What A Not-So-Lovely Buffet

I will never understand what possesses humans to the point of owning animals as pets, especially fish. It sounds pretty ironic coming from me, seeing I am a pet cat, but let’s get one thing straight. I own the humans, not the other way around. That is beside the point.

Fish are only meant to be eaten, not to be swimming around in the safety of a big clear box full of multicolored rocks, things that look eerily like my toys, and water. I heard one of my humans say it would be ‘great entertainment’ for me. What they really should have called it was torture.

I remember when they first started to set up this aquarium. A bunch of packages came to the house, something I am never upset about. I love a good set of boxes as much as the next cat. The humans noisily put this weird contraption together for the next couple of weeks. I hardly paid them any attention; my humans are definitely of the loud variety of their species. Ignoring them has become quite a specialty of mine.

Ignoring food or anything resembling food is impossible, which is why when my humans started bringing in the fish, my interest was piqued. My own little, easily-accessible buffet was set out before me. So many different types meant so many different flavors could dance on my tongue whenever desired. Or so I thought.

The moment I tried to sample from my personal buffet, I was offended to find that my humans had purchased a horrible choice of tops for the tank. There was only one small latch I could jimmy open, which barely allowed my paw to graze the water line. And as I tried to figure out another way in, my humans caught me with ‘my paws in the cookie jar’. That’s what the female told someone on the phone the same day. Don’t ask me to explain; my paws were in the tank. How she got it confused with the cookie jar boggles my mind.

So, for the past week, on top of my regular routine, I made time to glare at the mockery my humans bought into my home. I am sure the fish laugh and crack jokes about the cat who tried and failed to sustain her appetite for something other than her usual meals. Such insolence will not be tolerated!

But what could I do? Swiping one of those delicious, colorful fish and swallowing it whole as the others watched in horror was not an option. Not with that stupid lid barricading them in. The only sentient beings in this house who could conquer the tank cover were the humans. Unfortunately for me, I was not able to speak with them as they did amongst themselves. Even then, I doubt they would go along with my plans for their new pets.

Still, I glare at my humans, partially because they are the reason I am in my present predicament. The other part of me is silently willing for one of the humans to go and open the fish tank.

Suddenly, one of them, the male, stands up and does just that. I’m in such shock that I almost forget about my scheme, but I can not let it distract me. I stalk over to the tank as if I am a lioness preparing to pounce on a gazelle. As I am approaching, I am slightly confused by the actions of my human. He has filled up a container with water and is capturing the fish, one by one, with a small net. No matter, a slight change in location will not save these fish.

While the male is turned away from the fish, I slowly dip my paw in the fish-filled container. The fish scatter, trying to swim away from their unavoidable demise.

The subtle change in my human’s shadow sparks a wave of adrenaline. Hopeful for a good catch, I fling my paw out of the water and watch with glee as I see a fish fly through the air. I go follow it to its landing spot where it flops, desperate to get away and return to the nearby source of water. It is a very small orange fish; if time had been allowed and the fish were more cooperative, I would have taken a bigger one. But, beggars can’t be choosers. I swallow it whole, savoring the small taste.

Later…

A female voice cuts through the silent living room. “Honey, are you sure you didn’t accidentally dump one of the fish in the sink?”

“I’m sure. I don’t know what could—” The very obvious sound of me puking my guts out on the carpet interrupts the male’s response.

Ever since my delicious snack, my stomach had not felt right at all. Even from the depths of my digestive system, the fish was out for revenge.

I can hear the humor in the male’s voice as he speaks again. “I think I know what happened to that fish, hon.”

That fish might have been delicious going down, but its sacrifice ensured I would never see the aquarium fish as a buffet ever again.