Whacky Jacky

Written for L. C. Schäfer's *Fucked~Up Fairy Tale Challenge*

Story's Word Count 366

It started as, what a psychotherapist referred to as, " boyhood hyper-fixation"-it would pass, he was normal, just needed to be redirected, find something else to play with. His mother worked long hours in real estate and the household was run by his grandmother for the most part. She thought that little Jack Jr. was compensating for the lack of his father's presence; he'd run off with a rosy lipped hussy he'd met outside of an alleged gentleman's club. Jack was first caught fondling himself while watching the "Teletubbies"; his grandmother had been making his second favourite indulgence, pie. Her reaction was to send him off to the bathroom to wash his hands and without a huge fuss she said that playing with his "wee, willy winkie" was something only naughty boys did. She also banned the "Teletubbies" as they'd been rumoured to be gay. Jack was five and simply stared at her without full comprehension.

The latest incident was deemed "enough" by his grandmother. Whilst a stern librarian read a classic Christmas story, Jack dropped his trousers and downed his underpants then began running in circles reciting a centuries old rhyme.

“Now he sings of Jacky Horner

Sitting in the Chimney-corner

Eating of a Christmas pie,

Putting in his thumb, Oh Fie

Putting in, Oh Fie! his Thumb

Pulling out, Oh Strange! a Plum.”

" Why, it's as if he's possessed by adages stemming from old English political rhetoric!" quipped the librarian, " What little boy even knows the history of satirical poetry?" She requested they not return.

On the train home Jack's grandmother recited the classic poem re-penned by the infamous Mother Goose.

"Little Jack Horner

Sat in the corner,

Eating a Christmas pie;

He put in his thumb,

And pulled out a plum,

And said ‘What a good boy am I."

Found masturbating in a corner of his third grade classroom, Little Jack Porner was a name that stuck. A priest requested the boy see an exorcist to rid him of what he presumed were dirty minded spirits from 18th century aristocracy taking possession.

Unfortunately, Jack was ordered to live in a home for boys. Each Sunday his Grandmother left him a pie.