Welcome To... Melburn?

Well, I've gone an' done it. Set the whole world ablaze and all for an ice cream, talk about fire and ice! How was I supposed to know the machinery had a limit? A cool down time, for a frozen cream machine, like seriously? They often say, 'One small desire burns a fire.' but somehow, I do not believe this is what they meant. I have to fix this, "Siri, how do you stop a blaze from consuming a city you just moved to?"

You might be wandering what the heck's going on and I will admit you're one of the currently hundreds of people having the same thought; unlike them you are not fleeing to maintain your mortality but unlike you, they are not privy to the answers. Hi, I am Samuel Fletcher, and I just moved to Melbourne, or as it will later be known as, 'Melburn,' if nothing is done to quench this inferno. Now my tale may sound like a once off accident or perhaps the fresh location riled my anxiety and caused me to wreak havoc on a peaceful city, however, it is neither of those reasons; the truth is even before I left home, I had a knack for trouble only this time there's no friends to cover my butt. In this battle it's me against the world, ok bit dramatic, me against a metropolis. A few things about me, abnormalities are a compass to my north; we go together like crucifixes and eggs; they do not seem to fit any other time of the year except Easter and abnormalities do not suit anyone else but me. City on fire for Jeff, bad, for Sam, eh, another FrIday ;)

Enough of my heated jokes, this is no laughing matter. I got to focus, which if my Biology teacher were here, her calculations would come up error, but she's wrong and not present, I've gotten out of worse and I shall face greater foes, even maybe William Defoe, stop judging me I could not come up with a better rhyme. Stress makes me hungry; I'm craving a panic snack, like the ones I used to sneak into exams. Everyone was trying clever tricks of water labelled sheets or the classic answers at the bottom of shoe gig; instead my attention was battling higher thoughts, sock snacks. Basically, it is as it sounds, I put Cheetos in my socks and while the ignorant teachers attention is bound to another student my mouth welcomes naturally salted Cheetos; he he he, my genius is too big for the boarders of my mind. Crap, my heads a light; dammit, hair, you are not a candle; do not give into the alluring lights charm. My body has a problem of attracting things of a warm nature, excluding love and woman, I pretty much get everything else; eh I take what I can get.

Where was I, oh yeah stress eating, I see the irony but all I can think about in this heat is ice cream. The customers at Coles always commented on how fickle the weather could be; they have no idea, if only they felt this morning's temperature of eight degrees and its rapid rise to the forty, then they'd have a story to tell. Sam, what were you doing eating ice cream in winter anyway? Judgey, I do not like your imagined tone; truthfully the move has taken its toll on my mind and I wanted my comfort food. That's where it all went wrong. Oh fate, do I ask too much of you? Will one delicious Jack Frost kissed treat always elude my curious tongue? *Sigh* I put that there for I am actually sighing but our technology is not of the desired level of development to capture the air flowing from my inner person trapping it in the laptop and sending it to touch your lonely cheek. Most fortunate for you, yet unfortunate for me because sighs make the flames bigger, que Homer scream, "Ah!"

Ok think what can a Uni dropout, a failed actor, a half-qualified street doctor from Shady Jude's Qualifricasion's Bestowerery, and an adept improviser do? Got it... Improvise, he ha, genius. They say don't fight the fire but whose tried such a feat, I am going in, "Siri, play back in black."

The music shifts my walk to match the illustrious strut of a peacock and my hand reveals unknown shades which meet my eager eyes only to be dramatically separated from my nose as I cast them away. I pull the same manoeuvre on my shirt, button it up then tear it off. "It's show time!" The fire recedes as my fist greets its face, "Oh you're done for buddy." I smirk. Though as quickly as my grin appears is it quicker burned away. Holy Dooley, my hand is on fricking fire! This was a terrible idea, why didn't you warn me. What is the point of reading this if you are just going to sit their stupid, like gamer assist man, cease fire, cease fire. 'Cease fire.' That's it, thank you friends, this time my plan won't fail, or my name isn't Abigail; yeesh I gotta work on this rhyming gig. "Cease fire." I plead with the fire; this is sure to work. I command my lids to shield my eyes from the flames tear evoking smoke; awaiting the fire's answer. Crack! No! It still feasts upon my very flesh, consuming my puppet hands; ps, I dabble in a bit of Pinocioing from time to time. There is something I am missing, fight fire... I've tried that and that was the wrong advice; guys, Dora the explorer help me out; I am going to think stuff and you gotta click on the right expression. What is another famous phrase when it comes to fighting fires...

Yeah, you got it. We got this, I turn to the fire and blare out, "FIRE! You may know how to move a moth, but I know how to move you mum! Burn." The flame recedes, this time it does not come back to fight me, I gotta keep going. "Hey fire, what's red and hot? A chili but unlike you a chili gets in people's mouths. Oh what! You're going to die alone. Do I smell cooked pork because you are officially roasted!" The fire begins to... flame cry? Damn fire, you weak and your fire crying is weird; it's like self-destruct or whatever. "ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE FULFILLED IN LIFE!" The fire wept as it went out. "Well maybe you should have thought about that before you messed with my ice cream." I murmured back: looking back on that statement it did not make much sense; it sounded cool in the moment; guess you just had to be there. Which reminds me you never learned how the fire started; oh silly me, I am bumbling bananza. Yeah, it's one of those classic greed stories of wanting too much and then dying out. I ate so much ice cream straight from the dispenser instead of pouring it into a cup; the machine malfunctioned and caught a blaze; any more of a sciency explanation than that and I would lose myself in the jargon.

Well, I still haven't made any friends yet, but it's early days here, I did roast a fire so I guess things are looking up? Maybe? I think I am going to take the days frustrations out on some hay and then maybe I will go to sleep. Who knows what whacky conundrums I shall find myself in tomorrow. Until then goodnight.