Wedding Bells and Cow Pies

“You’re kidding.”

Jenn sat dumbstruck staring out the window of her luxury New York office as she listened to the tale that Krista spun. It wasn’t every day that your childhood bestie surprised you with the engagement to a man you didn’t even know she was dating.

“I know! I can barely believe it myself. The whole thing seems so surreal, but I have it all planned out,” Krista paused briefly to take a hurried breath, “I can’t wait for you to meet him,” she trailed off.

Jenn hoped her suspicion sounded more like surprised enthusiasm as she said, “But really, an engagement?”

“I know! I didn’t see it coming either, which like, never happens. I’ll send you a picture.” Krista’s voice was some combination of shocked and excited, but she continued on at the fast-paced speed-talking that was typical for the successful phone-based saleswoman that she was.

It was really hard to take Krista by surprise. She was always moving ahead at break-neck speed and planning everything out months in advance, so you never really got a chance to make your own plans. In fact, mere seconds after you told her about some event you wanted to plan, Krista could tell you the who, what, where, when, and how down to the napkin color. Jenn always thought Krista would’ve made a fantastic wedding planner to the Stars, she was that good.

There was a beep on Jenn’s phone, and she pulled it away from her ear to open the picture that Krista just sent. It was the classic, ‘we just got engaged’ picture of Krista holding out her hand to show off the large diamond that now monopolized her left ring finger. Hugging her from behind was Krista’s newly betrothed, Marcus.

At first glance, Marcus looked like every other average Joe from rural Wisconsin. The pair were posed on a beach—Jenn did remember that Krista was going to Florida for New Years—and Marcus held onto Krista lovingly. Like many tourists who visit Florida, he was wearing an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt that obviously covered up his farmer’s tan. He really did seem to be Krista’s type because of his stocky build and, well, ‘dad bod.’ In all honesty he reminded Jenn of Krista’s dad. They did say you tend to choose a partner who reminds you of your parents after all.

He definitely wasn’t Jenn’s type, but she had to be happy for her best friend. Krista had been dreaming of her wedding day for as long as the two of them could remember. Jenn, on the other hand, had no idea why so many girls got so excited over the prosect of spending over twenty thousand dollars on a single day. Jenn figured that if she ever decided to get married, she’d probably just elope. It’d be much better for her retirement fund.

“How did you keep this in for so long?” Jenn asked, “Like, how long were you two dating? I can’t believe you didn’t say a word about this mystery man.”

“I honestly didn’t want to jinx it,” Krista responded carefully, “I’ve gone on so many dates and thought I found love so many times that I didn’t want anyone to know until I knew this was serious.”

Jenn laughed in the nasally way that she only let her closest friends hear, “Well, I’d say this is pretty serious judging by the size of that diamond. You have to tell me more!”

Krista paused again and was a little more tentative this time, “You know that dating app, Bizmo?” Jenn gave the practiced, uh huh, response of the expert journalist and interviewer she was, and Krista continued, “The app was holding a single’s night a few months ago in Green Bay, so I drove the hour into town and stayed at a hotel so that I could go. I didn’t even tell my parents because I knew they wouldn’t approve.”

“Right,” Jenn responded. Mr. and Mrs. Bradson were hip, but not that hip. Dating apps were definitely a generational gap that was difficult to explain to those who still believed you could walk up to someone on the side of the street and ask for their number. There were way too many serial killer documentaries dominating the media to make that a possibility.

If you were so bold as to approach a solo woman on the street, you were more likely to get pepper sprayed than a date. Thus, dating apps reigned supreme because talking to a random stranger online was so much safer than meeting them on the street. Or at least that was what the current generation believed. Jenn was more skeptical.

Krista continued, “I just wasn’t having much luck Clicking with guys on the app. One day I would Click with a guy, and we’d have great conversation, then when I offered to meet for an actual date, I’d be ghosted. Most of those guys just wanted a hook-up, you know?”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Jenn responded in her best sympathetic tone. She knew that Krista was not really into hook up culture, so she usually didn’t press the matter of exploring sexuality or talk about her own love life with her. Jenn, like many other independent women she knew, partook in the forbidden fruits of the classic Netflix and Chill more times than she cared to admit to her more traditional best friend. Not that there was anything wrong with either approach, Jenn just wasn’t into the whole ‘relationship’ thing. Not with the career she only just started a few years ago anyway.

“So yeah, I was at this single’s event, and we did a speed dating game just like they do in the movies,” Krista went on, “I had gone through about ten guys when Marcus sat down in front of me, and well, the rest was history. After our three minutes were up, we both left and continued talking all night long,” Krista sighed, “It was like something out of a fairytale.”

“Sounds like the plot of a romance movie for sure,” Jenn paused, “And this was how many months ago?” Jenn ventured.

“Well, the event was in the beginning of September, so it’s been,” Krista mumbled for a moment as she went through the few months it’s been since September, “About 4 months and 2 weeks.” She stated with a nervous laugh.

“That’s pretty quick.” Jenn responded with suspicion growing.

“It sure was, I didn’t even see it coming, and I usually have these things planned out before anyone else!” Krista proclaimed with a squeal, “But that’s why I like him, he’s probably the only person who can catch me by surprise.” The two of them both spent the next minute laughing and exclaiming how absolutely true that was. Krista usually had multiple outcomes for every possible scenario.

“Now that it’s official, I suppose it’s time to start planning a wedding! Not that you haven’t done exactly that in the few hours that you’ve been engaged,” Jenn laughed, “What are you thinking for your date? If we start looking at venues now, I’m sure we can find a great venue for the summer after next.”

“I’m thinking June, it’s usually not too hot, but still nice enough to have great weather,” Krista replied.

“Then we really should start looking at places, I’ve heard the good ones will be booked out over a year in advance!” Jenn rolled her eyes as she laughed.

“Oh, actually, I meant this June.” Krista stated.

Jenn felt her stomach drop and paused because she knew she had to phrase the next question very carefully. Sure, quick engagements followed by equally quick weddings were normal about one hundred years ago, but now most people spent at least a year if not more planning these elaborate events. After a few seconds she asked, “Is there anything else I should know about the wedding?”

“Just that I want you to be my Maid of Honor of course!” Krista said, “You know, like we’ve been planning since we were like six.”

Jenn smiled. She’d been expecting to get that title. In fact, she would’ve been a bit offended if Krista didn’t ask her. Even though the two of them hadn’t seen each other’s faces in nearly three years, they still talked and texted often. But Krista still hadn’t fully answered her question, so she asked a little more plainly, “Now that I have to start planning your bachelorette party, uh, will we be drinking? You know I’ve been concocting your signature cocktail for years now.” Jenn laughed to lighten the mood.

“Of course! We won’t go too nuts because the bachelorette party will probably be right before the wedding, and I don’t want to look dead for the rehearsal or actual wedding. My bridesmaids live all over the US, so I only want to make them fly out once,” Krista added, “All of you have big careers and I know it’s hard to get away.”

Krista seemed oblivious, or purposefully avoidant, of the actual question Jenn was asking. She really was starting to think this whole thing was one of those, ‘get married before the baby comes shotgun weddings.’ But if alcohol was involved, then obviously that wasn’t the case. “I am so excited for you, love, but I have to ask, why make this so quick?”

Krista didn’t even skip a beat before responding with, “Marcus just knows what he wants. I mean, he is 30 and says he doesn’t want to wait any longer to make this official,” Krista’s shrug could virtually be heard through the phone as she continued, “And he’s finishing up his radiation tech classes this spring so that he can start his clinicals this fall. We wanted to be married before that happens because we don’t know where he’ll end up.”

Jenn bit her lip and was glad that Krista couldn’t see the puzzled expression on her face. She knew that age is just a number, and Marcus was really only four years older than they were, so that was more whatever than anything. She slept with guys who were older than that. Hell, her current sexy slice was a 38-year-old surgeon from Manhattan. Yeah, she was proud of that one.

Getting married before he started his clinicals was not the end of the world, Jenn supposed. They were probably stressful after all, and it did almost make sense to get the wedding out of the way so that he could focus on his school and career. He must have been going back to school to change up his career or something, but Jenn didn’t want to push that further just yet. She made a note to Google radiation tech programs after she was done talking to Krista. But for now, she let it go.

“If we are having this wedding in June, we sure have a lot of planning to do! I know you’re always busy with your job too, so please don’t hesitate to text me anything you need done,” Jenn said knowing her best friend was a control freak who didn’t delegate at all, “It’s your day and we’ll make it perfect.”

“I really don’t care about the specifics,” Krista added, “If it was up to me, we’d just elope because of how expensive these weddings are, so it will be pretty small and chill. One way or another, this wedding will happen.” She seemed determined, but Jenn knew her friend well enough to sense how overwhelmed she truly was. Or at least that’s what it seemed like. It could just be Jenn projecting her own dread of having to plan a wedding in only a few months.

“It will be beautiful, love,” Jenn laughed and rolled her eyes, “You always underestimate yourself and then end up making things too perfect.”

“What? No, not me!” Krista responded sarcastically. The reassurance seemed to have done its magic.

“But really, let me know what you need help with. I’m on call from now until the wedding is over. Give that new fiancé my love!” Jenn said.

“Oh, I will! Have a great rest of your day, babe, talk to you soon!” Krista squealed as she hung up the phone. Jenn put her phone down and sighed. Even though Krista wouldn’t ask for help even if it was offered to her on a silver platter, she felt like she would absolutely regret offering to be so helpful. Jenn had only ever been to one other of her friend’s weddings, but only as a guest.

Even though everyone always seemed to talk about Bridezilla and how high maintenance the brides are during their weddings, to Jenn it seemed like the Maid of Honor was the stressed out one. Granted, the bridesmaids at that particular wedding were a drunken mess and were stripping their dresses off as they climbed on top of the dinner tables to twerk to Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxx. Even though parents had to shield their children’s eyes as the mostly naked women were told to get down, the groomsmen were having a blast.

Jenn hoped that Krista’s bride squad had enough sense to keep their clothes on so that she could just focus on her speech. Or not, because then maybe she could get away with a subpar monologue and no one would notice. Sure, Jenn was a professional writer and journalist, but she hated public speaking. And even though the wedding was months away, she had no idea what she would say about Krista and Marcus. But really, how could she when she literally hadn’t seen her best friend in years and had only just learned about her husband-to-be?

She could write that speech last minute. It would be best to meet the groom before she wrote it anyway. With her stress growing at a rapid pace, she immediately pushed her wedding speech anxiety to the back of her mind and focused her attention on the article she had to finish writing. But that was a tall order considering the article was on an excruciatingly boring topic.

She had to write a summary of the interview done between a field reporter and a new hotdog stand vendor near Central Park. Granted it does take some major money and determination to be given the permit to sell in such a prime location, but it sounded like the guy just paid the fee to get there. He wasn’t even a local or anything, he just moved from another state and wanted to make money off New York tourists who didn’t know an authentic New York hotdog from an Oscar Meyer wiener.

And it was up to Jenn to make his story romanticized and glamorous. She couldn’t make up huge lies, but she could slip in some greatly exaggerated details and use the power of words to make the story interesting enough to read. She never got to write or report about anything she actually cared about. All she was responsible for was spinning stories to make the content more interesting and enticing for their readers. While it was not the work she wanted to do and it was not exciting whatsoever, she sure was good at it. Good enough at least to get herself into the fourth best office in her entire department. That’s right, no cubicle for Jenn. Jenn got a window that looked out over the dumpsters. If she positioned her chair just right, she could even get an average view of New York City.

She worked her ass off to get to where she was today. Even though she started at Star Weekly Reporting as a wide-eyed, ambitious intern who was forced to work with the other eight interns on a shared conference table, she worked her way up the ladder and was now in charge of two of her own naive interns. At least they were excited about writing such boring articles and Jenn could pick and choose the ones she wanted out of her daily bunch.

Yet, she was still not writing about anything interesting. She would need to keep working hard if she wanted the freedom to pick her own article topics. In all honesty, she would need to become the head of her department. Or at least have enough influence over her boss to inconspicuously suggest the topics of actually interesting articles. But alas, here she was writing about Stan the Hotdog Man.

Her boss was the daughter of some rich business mogul, so naturally she was hired on immediately after college and got full control with little experience. Pretty much everyone else in the office hated her guts and unjustified sense of superiority. Not to mention they all secretly envied her perfect hair and makeup, lipo-sucked figure, and opulent clothing. She was the picture of New York, and everyone knew it.

Jenn had to admit that she was also on that bandwagon, but she also found the girl fascinating to watch. She didn’t think anyone could be so clueless or oblivious to the world around her. When the tension in the room was so thick that every normal person would need to take out their machetes to cut themselves free, Janet Merrdue could suddenly develop the powers to walk through walls and gracefully prance on through.

As if on cue, Janet strolled out of her office and headed straight for Jenn’s office door. Jenn watched her walk elegantly on her stiletto heels with her arms held high like she was about to reach into the sky like a young woman dancing at a night club. Instead of knocking, Janet blew right through Jenn’s door and immediately began talking with no particular greeting.

“How’s that last article going, Jenn?” She asked in her almost impossibly high-pitched voice.

Jenn looked at her blank document and had to make a split second decision on whether she should lie or tell the truth. “Oh, it’s coming along. It will for sure be done by the time I leave today.” She decided on the soft lie.

“Oh grand,” she stated in a tone that could have either been real or fake enthusiasm, “I just loved that piece you finished this morning on the new floral arrangements at the Mainstreet Flower Co., these articles on small local businesses are sure to attract more readers!” Janet exclaimed. Jenn suspected that she secretly looked for her approval considering Jenn was the only other woman in the office that was remotely close to Janet’s age.

It was also rather common knowledge that Janet didn’t know what she was doing, nor did she know how to research what her readers wanted to read. So she just went around talking about what she was doing and reveled in the happy and forced encouragement from her employees. The employees knew that if they didn’t play along, they’d be fired. Janet had already let seven people go in the year that she had been department head. And because Jenn was all about self-preservation, she played along with Janet’s games.

“They are wonderful! It’s such a great way to connect the public with local people. It feels like true New York!” Jenn put on her best fake zeal for emphasis. She could tell that Janet bought it, and that she was in a good mood overall. Jenn also knew that Janet needed months in advance to prepare for change and that she generally forgot time off requests if you didn’t remind her three dozen times. She might as well bring up this extended vacation that she would need to properly prepare for Krista’s wedding.

“Say, while I have you here I wanted to let you know that I will need some time off in June. My best friend called because she just got engaged.” Jenn said.

“Oh, how exciting! I simply love weddings,” Janet responded.

“Yeah,” Jenn continued, “I’m the Maid of Honor, but I won’t need much time, just about a week to help prepare for the wedding and attend the event.” Jenn had no intention of staying longer than that. Maybe she hadn’t been home in eight years, but she wasn’t about to spend more time there than she needed to.

“Well you should take some time off! You really haven’t taken much time to yourself since I’ve been here.” Janet sat and thought for a moment, “You know, you could probably work remotely instead of taking all your PTO,” Jenn could see the wheels turning in Janet’s brain. Unfortunately for Jenn, they seemed to be turning in the wrong direction.

“That won’t be necessary, I really only need---” Jenn started before she was cut off.

“Nonsense! You should take the whole summer off and work there. Family is so important. You could easily manage your team remotely.” Janet continued as she walked out of the office abruptly, “And just think of how cute this office will be as my own personal coffee room!” Janet walked away and Jenn could only hear the high-pitched squeals that ended each sentence. She also wasn’t sure she was going to get her office back.

And no way was she going back to Shawano, Wisconsin for more time than she absolutely had to. She’d rather come back and work from home in her New York loft apartment, which Jenn supposed wouldn’t be so bad. At least she’d have access to as much quality coffee as she wanted, and her cat, Yogo, would appreciate the extra snuggle time. As long as she got the time off she supposed she could go to war to get her office back at a later date.

Jenn sighed as she looked at the clock, it was already 4:30pm and she would need to write at super speed if she wanted to leave on time today. She grabbed her phone and was about to turn it off when she heard the familiar ding of a text message. Thinking it was probably Krista showing off more engagement ring pictures, she glanced at the screen. Well it was a picture, but not the one she expected.

“My surgery went too well so I’m getting out early tonight and I’ve got a bottle of red with our names on it. My place, 7:00?” Because of his crazy schedule, Jenn could never predict when she’d get a text from her very own Dr. Sexy, MD. She bit her lip and felt the familiar flutter of excitement stir in the pit of her stomach. How could she not when he attached a picture of his perfectly chiseled body shirtless under his white coat. His drawstrings were undone just so that his scrubs sat low enough to cover the large bulge that was easily visible through the thin fabric.

“You had me at wine,” she replied, barely able to contain herself, “I’ll see you at 7:00.” She added a Winky face for good measure.

Now that was the kind of motivation she was looking for. Jenn turned back to her computer and began crafting the most heart wrenching story about Stan the Hotdog Man. When she was done with him, he’d seem like the most relatable entrepreneur and would likely double his business. She smiled as she shook her head. When she dreamed of being a writer, this truly is not what she had in mind. All that was left was the sound of rapid keystrokes and her growing anticipation.