War of the Clowns

The sugar-rushed children were running through their parents’ legs, racing to the games and rides to the left of the amusement park. The games were buzzing and ringing to celebrate the people who had lost their money in the middle, and beside them the smell of sugary, salty food wafted through the whole park. On the right, all the bigger rides—the rollercoasters and flipping boats—were pouring their machinal and organic screams. Throughout it all, the clowns were going to war.

Team Real Clowns was led by Boris. He had a traditional white suit with red buttons, and a painted-on frown. He flopped about clumsily and fell over a lot. His opinion was that all clowns had to be an expression of the worst parts of a person, taken and parodied until it was funny. He was joined by Ah Choo—in a traditional suit but hospital blue, who had a painted frown with furrowed eyebrows, and was always faking sick—and BeeBee—a clown in a quilted business jacket and black and yellow bowtie, carried a briefcase, and was always talking about being late for work. Ah Choo and BeeBee didn’t particularly enjoy the idea of being on Boris’s side, but had agreed by the insistence of Spots.

Team Time Moves on Old Man was led by Spots. She had a skirt like a marigold flower, all puffy and bright yellow (with little bike shorts underneath). She would flip around, walk on her hands, and teach kids how to do somersaults and cartwheels. Boris had started to tell the kids that she was just a “decorated acrobat” and Spots had simply had enough of it. She was joined by Topsy—who dressed like an American footballer but with even bigger shoulder pads, and would poorly copy the dances kids showed him—and Jangles—in a traditional court jester’s suit and hat and covered in bells, who would ask the teens and parents if they thought the king would notice his absence.

The rules were simple:

1. The kids had to have fun too

2. If Team Real Clowns won, Team Time Moves on Old Man would all have to change their looks and bits to fit more in line with Boris’s opinion on how clowns should act.

3. The war began at midday.

4. The entire amusement park was a battlefield.

5. If you get wet, you’re out.

6. Not shooting at the makeup.

Midday was approaching. The sun was creeping into the middle of the sky.

Topsy and Ah Choo were in the section with all the kids’ rides. The teacups, bumper cars, a lazy river, and the like. They were on opposite sides of a path. Topsy was explaining to a young girl how, actually, she was right because dinosaurs are the coolest thing, like, ever. Ah Choo was snottily explaining to a boy how he never ate is vegetables, but he was the—AH CHOO—picture of perfect— ah-ah-ah-AH CHOOOOOO— health.

Topsy and Ah Choo shared a look across the path. A few people crossed their stare, unaware of the realisation that was hitting them both. Topsy pulled a water balloon out of his pocket. Ah Choo attached his squirting flower.

On the other side of the park, where the rides got too big for the kids, BeeBee and Jangles were sitting across from each other playing a game of cards. Jangles had BeeBee’s jacket on, and his shirt and pants on the back of the chair, leaving BeeBee in his black and yellow bowtie, makeup, socks, and comically small heart printed underwear. Technically it was against the first clown commandment, but the amusement park didn’t know what clown code was. A small group of onlookers had amassed around their little table.

BeeBee sighed and put his cards face down on the table. “I fold.”

Jangles nodded, the bells on his hat ringing. “Go fish.” BeeBee sighed and took off his socks, handing them across the table. Jangles looked up to the sky, then over to one of the onlookers. “Oh, court boy! Pray tell the time?”

The man laughed and checked his phone before informing him that it was 11:59. Jangles removed BeeBee’s hipflask from his jacket and handed it over the table.

Spots and Boris were in the middle of the park. Spots was near Duck Shooters, teaching a couple of kids how to do cartwheels. Boris was out of sight, last seen near the corndogs, falling flat on his face.

Topsy threw his balloon and it landed centimetres from its target. Ah Choo bounced back and tried to look for an opening. Topsy kept his eyes on Ah Choo and started to race backwards, toward the Lazy River. If he could stay out of Ah Choo’s range, he would have better luck. He threw another water balloon. It flew over Ah Choo’s head and exploded above the Turning Teacup booth, soaking Jake who was tearing tickets. Ah Choo raced forward. Topsy ran backwards. His foot couldn’t find the ground. He turned just in time to see the Lazy River under him before he went toppling in. Above the water, children were peeking into the river, looking at the clown who was laying underneath. Topsy stood up and was waist deep in the water, defeated but not injured. All the children laughed, and the ones going by on their floating devices asked what he was doing.

With a heavy heart and a broad smile, Topsy said, “Just taking a dip,” and laid back, letting his shoulder pads keep him afloat.

Topsy was out.

Jangles had BeeBee’s hip flask in his hand. BeeBee reached out to take it, but Jangles undid the lid and turned it before he could get it. BeeBee flung back so hard he knocked over his chair and kicked the table. Jangles jumped out of the way, stumbled, tripped, and poured the flask’s contents on himself. He stopped for a moment, processing the water that was now on his suit.

Jangles was out.

Spots was upside-down, showing a girl how she could hold herself with just one palm on the ground. She unzipped the pocket of her skirt and pulled out a lollipop for the kid, who plucked it from her outstretched hand. Spots flipped back to upright and grabbed another lollipop for herself. The kid was struggling to get the plastic off her candy, so Spots knelt down and unwrapped it for her. She beamed, thanked her, and ran off giggling. Spots did a cartwheel backwards, just for show.

Boris jumped out from a small pack of children, armed with a water gun. Spots leapt out of the way, jumped onto a bench, jumped off with a flip and pulled two water guns out of skirt pockets, and landed while firing. (She’d been practising that all week and was thrilled that she actually pulled it off.) Sadly, her shots did not land.

Topsy, Ah Choo, Jangles, and BeeBee all came toward the food court. Topsy was still soaked to the bone. Jangles admitted to being wet while trying to get BeeBee. They all stood and watched the battle of Spots and Boris.

Boris was clumsy, but wasn’t trying anything particularly showy. Spots had all the grace of a gymnast, but it was flashy and not a good dodging technique. She pirouetted out of the way of an oncoming attack but! On her skirt! The water had struck her!

She collapsed to the ground like a fainting maiden. The children flocked to her and she lifted her hand to the nearest one’s face, holding it gently and whispering, “The rest is silence.” She went limp with one final sigh.

Spots was out.

Having seen the end of the battle, Topsy and Jangles were horrified. To think they would need entire new acts. Entire new costumes. Entire new personalities. Topsy wasn’t sure he was ready to stop being Topsy, and Jangles wasn’t ready to try and figure out a new bit.

Boris stood over Spots and proclaimed, “I won! That’s it for you. Now you’ll have to go back to square one, and be a proper clown. None of this acrobatics nonsense. A real clown who looks into the depths of his soul and pulls out his most horrible qualities, and makes those funny. I won!” The children started to cry.

BeeBee and Ah Choo looked to each other. Boris was right that it was how clowns traditionally found their humour. BeeBee had been terrible at being on time to work, or dressing business like, or making financial decisions, and his clownery was corporate as a result. But it wasn’t as if Ah Choo was sick regularly, or was particularly ashamed of his illnesses. Some clowns, even the traditional ones, just did the bits because they were funny. Besides, it was pretty hypocritical for Boris to uphold traditional clown values if he was going to break the eighth clown commandment: “I will be committed to providing an atmosphere free of discrimination and harassment for clowns of all ages to share ideas and learn about the art of clowning”.

Without any words spoken between them, Ah Choo and BeeBee approached Boris. Ah Choo aimed his flower, and BeeBee emptied the last of the hip flask onto him.

“You made the kids cry,” BeeBee said.

“That means they’re not—ah ah!—having any fun. AH CHOO!”

“You lose, which means Spots, Topsy, and Jangles all get to keep their acts exactly as they are.”

Spots sprang up from the ground. Her water guns were still armed and at the ready. “What do you say we call an end to the clown war, and just have a good old fashioned clown water fight?”

Thirteen parents emailed the amusement park the following day requesting financial compensation after their child witnessed the death of Spots the Clown. No settlements were reached, and the children were judged to be untraumatized, despite their parents’ concerns.