Walls Around the Heart

If walls could talk the voices of the walls built up around her heart would have so much to say. They mark boundaries and expectations and have been reinforced throughout the years by many failed attempts at love. They creak and sway with every attempt to break them down, but it always ends the same.

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It's not you, it's me. I've been reinforced throughout the years. At first, I was put in place as a protective barrier. I was never meant to keep you out, just meant to keep you at arm's length. A safe distance. Put in place to allow for the layers of reinforcement to erode away over time. But, as time went on they didn't budge. You made promises, bought flowers, showed up, and opened up. The flood of your love left a mark but still wasn't enough.

It's not you, it's me. There is a knowledge within that could've been of some assistance to you. You'd have learned in the past promises had been broken, and it was a learned behavior not to hang on your words. It's become easier to expect disappointment. With that realization, you may have tried harder to keep all of the promises you made. Maybe it would have made you realize that I was as much of a protective barrier as I was a set of expectations. The expectation of when you say you'll do something then you'll actually do it because it was your actions that were needed, not your words.

But, now that I think about it, maybe it was you and not me.

It's not you, it's me. The gifts were lovely. All the flowers were vibrant and lively. You always went out of your way to mention all you did, and were quick to get defensive when she'd say, "they're nice, but...". Maybe if I had not been in place she would've been better at communicating. You'd have understood she didn't need the gifts to feel loved, she needed to hear you say you're proud of her. You'd have known on days she's feeling down she'll feel loved the most when you help her. Help her with dishes, help her with laundry, help her simply by listening to her. Then you'd realize she'd been communicating the whole time.

Thinking about it now, maybe it was you and not me.

It's not you, it's me, I think. You showed up for her. But, only when you felt like it. At first, she didn't notice, and she believed all of your excuses. All it took was a few Snapchat stories and Instagram posts for her to realize you were lying. Maybe it was a good thing that I was here. It hurt at first but I am so reinforced, it didn't hurt for long. She didn't even cry. In fact, she chuckled and said "why am I not surprised?". The disappointment built me up stronger, and I started to wonder if she'd ever be loved. If I had not been there, maybe she would have worn the hurt on her face, and you'd have better recognized it. You'd have recognized she'd caught onto the lies, and you'd have shown up, actually shown up, for her.

I keep thinking about it, and I'm starting to believe it was you and not me.

It might be you, and not so much me. You opened up to her. Wore your heart on your sleeve and let her in. She listened intently to all of your stories, she took on your hurt, and she wanted to help you heal. When she told you stories, looked to you to carry some weight, and wanted you to help her heal you were nose deep in your phone. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Gone. You were off in your own world. It was as if she were talking to someone of the likes of me, a wall. The difference though? It hurts when she talks to you, and I help to lessen the pain. Now I'm happy that I'm here because without me you'd be at an advantage. I'm so reinforced that only the strong will break through. I will only budge for the man willing to take his time, and work his way through each layer of my being, to get to the woman kept safely within. Maybe, he'll appear one day.

There's nothing to think about anymore.

It's you, not me. I'm here because of you. I'm boundaries, expectations, and strength, everything that she learned from her experience with you. It'll be because of me that she finds the love she deserves because I will continue to keep her heart safe, and will only allow someone deserving in.

It's not me, it's you.