Wallet World

Hi. I bet you wanna know my name, well I’ve got news for you, I don’t have a name. I’m not a person, I’m actually just a piece of property. An important piece of property I might add, but I don’t think my owner caught that newsflash. I am a wallet and if you haven’t been living on planet earth for well, ever, then you should know that I house some of the most important belongings for my owner including: a driver’s license, money, credit cards, state issued ID’s, even MVP cards for when you wanna knock a couple of dollars and cents off some of that high priced food you’re likely to purchase at food lion.

Right now you might be wondering why I’m giving you the full rundown of who I am when it’s quite clear that you already know why I am, well that’s because the idiot I belong to named my owner has left me here in his house, sitting on top of the dresser in his bedroom…unknowingly. This hasty fool was in a rush this morning when he left out because he woke up late for work. He was doing everything so fast that he didn’t put a lot of thought into making sure he had everything he needed. For a good 20 minutes I watched this idiot wake up, fly out of his bed, take a quick , but decent shower, throw his clothes on and fly out the front door all while walking past me atleast ten times in the process.

When he first left out the door I was irritated like “I know this fool did not forget the mist essential part of his daily movements?” No sooner than I could finish thinking that did he fly right back through the door. In my mind I’m thinking “oh good, he realizes that he forgot me and now he’s back to get me.” Sure enough I was wrong, turns out he just forgot his keys on the kitchen counter and came back to retrieve them in an annoying sigh of relief. So I’ve been sitting here for about 2 hours now. This dipthong clearly hasn’t realized that I am missing from his life yet, probably because he hasn’t began his norning routine yet. After his first two hours he leaves out of his office to go get some breakfast, I imagine that should alert him to my absence.

What’s even funnier is that the kid drives like a maniac, so I won’t exactly be surprised if I don’t see him at all because he ends up getting stopped by the cops for speeding and then they run him in for not having his license on him. Gosh this is so like him. I may very likely not see this fool for another day if he ends up spending a night in the bullpen. I guess if when those iron doors click he’ll have a lot to think about, like not staying up all night drinking yourself into another universe during happy hour while hanging out with your friends for thirsty Thursdays. I really wish I could’ve been purchased by a more responsible owner. With this kid’s wit I’m surprised I haven’t ended up in Japan or on a shrimping boat somewhere in South America. Common sense really ain’t this kid’s strong suit.

What’s that I hear in the distance? I hear some hasty footsteps stomping their way up to the second story of this complex, how much you wanna bet they’re headed straight for this door? You guessed it. The door flies open with a blast (Ice Cube voice) and my air headed owner makes his way straight back to his bedroom nervously saying to himself “please tell me I left it in here? please tell me I left it in here?” As soon as he gets to the room he spots me sitting on the dresser in all my glory and jumps for joy while letting out a sigh of relief. “Thank Heaven I found you I don’t know what I would do without you.” He said overjoyed. Well I certainly know what I would do without him, I’d probably be in the care of a less pretentious idiot, but one can only dream. Until next time, boys and girls