Wall to Wall

“Hey K Dub, what’s that smell?” asked the Dining Room wall.

“Somebody left popcorn in the microwave too long,” Kitchen replied.

“Oh great,” said Corridor, “that means my smoke alarm will - and there it goes!” The annoying beeps seemed louder than normal.

“Just lovely,” complained Living Room, “let’s make today even worse!”

“What’s your problem this time?” Corridor inquired.

“Well,” Living Room sniffed, “my pictures have dust on the frames and some of them are crooked,”

“Ooh la la” mocked Bathroom, “Dust and crooked pictures? Do you want some caviar and wine while we play the grand piano?”

“Come on,” said Living Room, “there’s no need for that.”

“You have no idea what goes on in here!” Bathroom said.

“Preach!” said Master Bedroom.

Bathroom continued, “I see things that you, you just would not believe. Things that would shock you down to your baseboards. Every single day”

“Every day,” added Master Bedroom, “and every night. I can’t even talk about what I see every single night.”

“Come on,” said Dining room, “we all see some weird stuff.”

“Every. Single. Day.” Bathroom reiterated.

“Every. Single Night.” Master Bedroom echoed.

“At least you guys can see,” interjected Den, “I’ve been covered with this stupid paneling since 1972. I can’t see a single thing, I can barely breathe.”

“Give it a rest,” said Kitchen, “We’ve been hearing that for 50 years. You have such a great stretch of wall. With all the counters and cabinets and appliances all I have is a little sliver -“

“Child please,” Guest Bathroom interrupted, “you have more wall than I do, and you don’t have to put up with scented candles and scented soaps.”

“And I know what you have to see,” Bathroom said.

“You know it,” Guest Bathroom confirmed, “not as often as you, but, yeah, terrible.”

“Seriously?” Living Room asked, “It can’t really be that bad.”

“Worse than you can imagine,” Guest Bathroom replied.

“Way worse,” Bathroom agreed.

“Amen brothers!” Master Bedroom shouted.

“Not only do we have to witness the unimaginable,” Bathroom said, “sometimes, sometimes they’ll miss the toilet and urine gets on me!”

“Especially the kids!” Guest Bathroom said.

“That’s right,” Bathroom continued, “and it doesn’t get cleaned up right away. If it gets on the floor it gets cleaned in a day or two, but do they clean the walls?”

“No they don’t!” Guest Bathroom shouted.

“No they don’t,” Bathroom agreed.

“I hate getting stuff on me,” said Kid’s Room, “I have crayon and permanent marker drawings all over the place. And stickers! Man, I hate those stickers, and it’s even worse when they take them off. Is anything worse that stickers?”

“Grease,” said Kitchen.

“Urine,” countered Bathroom.

“Panelling!” Den shouted.

“At least we’re all still here,” said Corridor, “I remember when they took out the wall between Kitchen and Dining Room. That was a horrible day.”

“I couldn’t see it,” said Den, “but I remember her screaming the whole time. It was completely unnerving.”

“One of my walls is not load bearing,” Living Room said solemnly, “so I think of that day often, wondering if I could be next.”

They were quiet for a few minutes.

“I don’t think they’d do that,” Kitchen said quietly, “certainly not while the children are still living here.”

“I don’t even want to think about what might happen when the children grow up,” said Kid’s Room, “they could easily take out the wall I share with Master Bedroom.”

“You’re right,” said Master Bedroom, “that would be very bad for both of us.”

“Hey,” said Corridor, desperate to change the subject, “did you hear about the house across the street? It had mold! They had to cut out over 200 square feet of drywall and replace it.”

“That’s nasty, said Guest Bathroom, “then nothing matches until you get painted.”

“I guess we really don’t have it that bad,” admitted Living Room.