Wall Chat

"If walls could talk, which of us do you think would be worth listening to? Oh my goodness, you heard me--Hallelujah! Almost no one does! What was that? I told you, I'm the Wall. You may call me Wally, if you like. Oh there's no one here but you and me, you needn't be agitated.

Try to stay calm. I understand this is an unusual experience for you. As I mentioned, almost no one manages to hear me. That's a gun, isn't it? You'd be surprised at how many of them I've seen over the years.

You're threatening to shoot me? Really? I'm a wall... Oh people have punched me and kicked me in frustration. They only hurt themselves. I don't feel it. Mister, I'm a wall. Don't you get it?

Well I don't know. Maybe your hearing is different in some way. Is it? Ah, you have a special new hearing aid. Well, maybe that's it. Honestly, I haven't had a conversation in a very long time. This is very enjoyable, even though you are waving a gun at me, and you sound angry. Oh, go ahead and look at me like that, and point the gun at me if it makes you feel better. You can't hurt me. As I've tried to explain, I'm a wall.

Yes, that's right. So what about my question. Now that you know you can hear walls, which one would you want to have a conversation with? Don't jump right in, give my question a moment of your precious time. Think about it. Humans are always in such a rush. What? Yes, we've gone over that at least twice. I'm a wall, and I'm communicating with you, or at least I'm trying my best. What? Of course I have the faculties of communication and consciousness. Thank you for bothering to notice. Are you thinking about my question, or are you just saying Golly! Gee! A talking wall. Well, I can see I'll have to go slowly with you. Walls can talk. Which wall would you want to listen to?

The Berlin Wall? I suppose you think that's funny. I feel it's insensitive of you. A perfectly good, hard-working wall, old, dignified, authoritative, knocked down for political reasons. Do you not see how insulting your little quip is? All right, then. Don't do that again or this conversation is over. Well yes you would. You say that now, but I think, that later, if you cut your first conversation with a wall short, you would regret it. What if this is a one-time event for you? What if you can't hear the next wall? Have you heard walls before? Well there you are. I'm sure I don't know.

I know you didn't know that I can talk. Few humans know that walls can talk. If they did they wouldn't be so loose lipped.

Yes of course I watched that. Why wouldn't I? For one thing, I have no television. The disrespectful types who installed it left it around the corner. Also, the two of you were right in front of me. I couldn't help seeing everything. She seemed all right, actually a cut above. You were lucky. No, I don't judge. Two people want to liven up their convention what's that to me? Unless one of them is interesting or maybe famous of course, unless it would give me something worth gossiping about, something I could trade with. Not that I have anyone to gossip with. But I don't think you're important are you?

That's what I thought. Don't take offense at what I said about not being important. Hey, I'm just a wall in a Hilton, but you might find that I'm worth talking to.

Oh let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Questions, questions, you have loads of questions. Okay, let's get this part over with. It's the only way you'll settle down.

All walls can talk, but usually it's a slow process. To you it sounds like scratches, cracking, the occasional popping noise. That's how we talk mostly. You know it could be the paint. They applied a new, experimental paint in a modern shade last week. Oh you noticed. How does it look? You're not a designer? That's all right. What did the painter call this shade? Palermo Sunset?

Your parents came from Palermo? That's nice. Where's Palermo? Sicily? Where's that? Italy? Oh, okay. I've heard people talk about Italy.

The paint? My guess, maybe it refracts the light just in the right way so that I can get my words out at a good speed, and you and I can have a little chat. A little extra aluminum in the paint, maybe a touch of radium not so's you'd notice. Photonics, right?

Oh I'm just kidding about the radium. Can't you take a little joke?

Name? I don't have a name. I woke up here. I'm a wall. I told you. Call me Wally.

How old? They put me up in '82.

Good. Are we just about done with the pleasantries? I have a request.

Yes a request. I need you to move the television from around the corner to that counter behind you so that I can see it.

What's in it for you? Oh that's the way these days, isn't it? What's in it for me? What's in it for me? That's what you humans obsess about all the time. Never a thought for an entity less fortunate than you. Oh I'm just a wall, what do you care if I have to stare at the same thing day after day? Oh the superior human with hands and feet and mobility can torture the wall, an inferior entity. It must make you feel very important to deprive me of the little bit of entertainment I've been hoping for all this years. Yes, you certainly are superior...

Thank you, I appreciate it. Yes, that's a good spot. Oh, how kind. I think I would like to watch some news. Oh my, my! Robbie Coltrane died, imagine. He stayed in this very room, you know. No, he couldn't hear me. Large man, and kind, I thought. Oh yes he ordered room service, the very best, prime rib, fine wine. He snored. No one's perfect.

Oh that looks like a bad fire! Is that close to the hotel? It is, isn't it? My goodness, a fire like that would be the end of me.

Oh there's the Lieutenant Governor on the news. He's stayed in this room too. Well, yes lots of famous people have stayed with me. I'm a wall in a premium room, after all, and this is the Hilton.

Not much of a tipper, the lieutenant governor, quite a conversationalist, though. Well yes, there was, and between you and me, I'm sure that it was not the Mrs. Lieutenant Governor. Of course I'm not one for idle gossip, but I did not notice a ring on her finger, and something about the way she addressed him...

Did money change hands? My what a mind you have. I don't deal in gossip. But then you did move the television for me. The first act of kindness I've experienced in many years. Yes she was, how do you say it? A working girl?

What other famous people? Well Julia Childs, how about that? And, you'll never believe this, but she could hear me. And she was very nice, so I gave her Paul Prudhomme's recipe for lobster. Oh that lobster was the talk of the whole hotel! And Mrs. Childs seemed so very nice. Such a polite, lady, and very down to earth. She certainly treated me well.

We critiqued the room service food together. Can you imagine room service sending dishes to Julia Childs? That must have made them nervous. You know, they put steak sauce on the asparagus and hollondaise sauce on the meat? Mrs. Childs wagged her finger, then laughed and laughed, and sent it back. I laughed with her, and she laughed harder because the wall was laughing and no one else could hear me. Fine sense of humor she had, Mrs. Childs. Tall woman, with a big voice. Not at all like the visitor you had.

Actors, yes, Tom Cruise, for instance. Interesting man, very serious when he stayed here. He kept studying his script, memorizing it, talking to himself about it. Something about a vampire I think. And what is a vampire?

Oh? Really? That's strange. Now as for bats, I've seen a couple of them in here. They seem to upset the guests.

Oh look, that man on the television stayed here last night. Salvator, I think his name was. Oh they've just said that on the news.

Yes, the bald one. And the police are looking for him. Oh, to think he was right here.

He had quite a few visitors, and they called him 'Boss.'

Oh my, and wanted by the police.

Well, it seems to me there were several people here with him, in a kind of meeting. And the boss said something like 'Pay him a visit, and don't be knockin' on no door.' Something like that.

Oh my goodness--that was a hit? What's a hit? Oh. Oh my.

Oh dear the man he killed was a friend of yours. Oh close, like family. Yes of course I'll help you if I can. You moved the TV for me. You're very kind. Well, and I must try to remember everything. Please keep calm. If you make me nervous it'll be harder to remember. He said they were to meet. 'Meet tomorrow,' that's what he said. Well that'd be today, wouldn't it?

What time, what time, think, let me think! 8 o'clock. Where? Where, where where? Where did he say to meet? I think it was a street address. He said it was in the North End. Think, think! In the North End, at a restaurant. Carmelina's. That's it! Carmelina's restaurant.

Oh you move fast--you're making a phone call! Oh is that going to be another hit?

"Move!"

"Federal agent. Freeze."

"Federal agent. Hands or I'll shoot."

"Boston PD. In a way I'd be happy if went for it. But for the record, reach for it, and I pop you one in the chest. Capisc'? That's better. Cuff him, sergeant. Beppe Zingaro, I am placing you under arrest for the murder of Rocco Todesco, for complicity in the murder of Sergio Gonzaga and Pasqualino Gonzaga, for five counts of kidnapping, racketeering, embezzlement, oh and carrying a concealed weapon without a license. You have the right to remain silent. You have a right to have an attorney present at questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand these rights as I have explained them to you? Please say yes Beppe. Thank you. I am remanding you into federal custody. Go ahead, guys."

Six federal agents swoop in, and take custody of the suspect. Two more emerge from a panel behind the wall, painted so artfully it could not be seen. They speak to the Boston policeman. "Thank you officer, how did we do?"

"Oh this is the best op I've seen in years. This one'll be a legend." He walks away laughing.

"What is this?" Beppe says indignantly.

"This is what the public calls a 'sting,'" one of the officers explains.

"This is entrapment!" Beppe shouts.

"No, you've been caught in the act," the first federal officer answers.

"I want my phone call. I wanna call my lawyer!" Beppe thunders.

"Later," the second federal agent says. "Sometime this evening, perhaps after nine o'clock."

"I wanna call now!" Beppe screams.

"I'm sure you do," the G-Man answered calmly. "But at the moment, the agency is in hot pursuit of your boss Rico Montana and some of your associates. We have reason to believe we will find them around 8 this evening at a certain restaurant in the North End. That restaurant is, of course, closed today, but we will leave the lights on and the door open."

"Then you're entrapping them," Beppe protested.

"No, we're trapping them. You told them Salvator Mercado and his men will be at the restaurant tonight. Your gang will show up, guns at the ready, to take revenge. Actually, you are the one trapping them as I think about it. That's how we know you'll be state's witness on the whole gang," the federal agent said with not a little relish.

"I'm no stoolie," Beppe protested. All I gotta do is tell Rico--"

"Tell him what?" the first FBI agent cut in. "Tell him that you got a tip from a talking wall in a hotel room?" All the agents laughed. "That's rich. Come on, let's get you to a safe house. After tonight your life's not worth a plug nickel. You're a made man who just ratted your boss and his gang out to the feds. You do the math. Palermo Sunset," one agent turned to the other. "Nice touch," and they laughed as they moved Beppe to the elevator, and into a waiting car. "What do you say, Beppe? If walls could talk..."