Waiting at the Light

I stop at the red light. It’s the early hours of the morning, before the sun has risen. I’m not sure why I’m up right now. Lot on my mind, couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a drive. When I first got in the car, I turned the radio on, but after a while I turned it off again. All of it just sounded wrong, and I found myself unable to enjoy it or tune it out. So, I’m just sitting in silence, waiting for the light to change.

I feel like I’m in a trance. Like I’m living the same day over and over again, and I don’t know what to do. Don’t know when all of this started. I think I used to be happy, once. Probably in my childhood. I remember laughing back then, at least. Things seemed better then, but nostalgia always lies.

Everything is grey and dull now. Life has lost all meaning, assuming it had one to begin with.

I know it started before losing Quinn. Hell, I’m pretty sure it was before losing my grandmother. Both of those would have made sense. Big life changes tend to do things like that, right? But nope, neither one is the reason. Must have been something gradual, so slow I didn’t notice until I looked up one day and realised I didn’t care about anything anymore.

Well, that might be an exaggeration. I care about some things, I guess. I have friends and family, and I don’t want the world to end, per say. But not like I used to. It’s a duller way of caring, if that makes any sense. I care, I feel, but it’s like everything is covered in a fog. It’s there, but not clear. Sometimes I can’t find it at all.

That’s probably why I envied Quinn so much. Even when ze was dying, ze was full of life. No matter what happened, ze could just walk it off. Part of me wishes I could be like that. The other part thinks it doesn’t matter. Ze died in the end. No amount of upbeat attitude could prevent that.

And maybe it doesn’t matter, but who cares anyways? No matter what happens, the only thing guaranteed is death. Ze drilled that into my head.

Quinn wanted me to embrace it as this beautiful thing, but I’m not sure if I can. But I’m not horrified by it—I have a feeling that’s worse. Or that’s what most people say is worse, anyways. Just because most people say it doesn’t mean it’s true.

Well, that doesn’t always mean it’s false, either. And who are they to say what’s right, anyways?

And now I’m actually starting to sound like Quinn. Isn’t that wonderful?

I bet ze would be disappointed by my world view. But that seems to be the one thing I did consistently the entire time we knew each other.

I wonder if ze would have understood how I feel.

Even if ze didn’t, ze would have listened at least. That’s all we can ever really do for each other, isn’t it? Listen and try to support the ones we care about?

Losing Quinn definitely didn’t start this apathy, but it has been getting worse since then.

I shouldn’t be missing someone I barely knew like this, but yet, here I am. I should have been nicer to zir. If I knew they didn’t have much longer to live, I would have been—aside from at my grandmother’s funeral, but ze deserved that.

The light turns green, but I stay where I am. I can’t make myself move forward.