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Unfriended to Life

gods bless the bullshit jobs

By ANTICHRIST SUPERSTARPublished 2 months ago Updated 2 months ago 4 min read
Unfriended to Life
Photo by Alexander Shatov on Unsplash

You will seldom browse Facebook when your work's unfinished...You will focus only on the bullshit job that you won't try to understand except for the times when you will encounter quandaries and problems that you won't be able to solve even if you were to ask someone for help.

ABOLISH FOREIGN LOBBYING. We will demand an end to lobbying for foreign nations, categorizing such actions as espionage. Negotiations with foreign entities will be conducted exclusively through official diplomatic channels.

At the dawning of WWIII you will hear much water cooler conversation of protesters, Russians, and little green men. Owing to this new job you'll learn more about Americans, hearing their sentiments and fears, occasionally recording and taking note of what is most interesting.

MAKE WAR PROFITEERING A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. We will be determined to tightly regulate the defense industry and establish penalties for war profiteering as a criminal offense. Additionally, we will implement a policy of conscripting all able-bodied males into national service.

Facebook will be the best vehicle for our masterminds since it really was invented by a mastermind, back when its creator was traveling through the heuristic limbo of trial and error, dropping out of school, on his journey to richness.

ABOLISH THE TWO-PARTY POLITICAL SYSTEM. We will demand an end to the corrupt two-party system and will advocate for its replacement with a more inclusive system that will provide genuine representation for all racial groups and economic classes.

"Are you aware your co-workers have been doing some of your duties?"

STRATEGIC DISSOLUTION OF MONOPOLIES. In our vision for a more equitable society, we will advocate for the strategic dissolution of monopolies. We will stand behind the nationalization and strategic dismantling of banking institutions, mass media conglomerates, and monopolistic corporations. Our aim will be to instill a sense of public accountability and ensure that these entities prioritize serving the nation's interests above all else.

"Can you do this job? I need to know."

ELECTIONS WILL BE PUBLICLY FINANCED. In our vision for political reform, we will adamantly insist on the cessation of political contributions and corporate lobbying. We will assert that elections must be publicly financed, free from the influence of private interests.

"Hopefully; I think I can," you will say, causing your supervisor to loudly harrumph.

ENVIRONMENTAL SAFEGUARDING. It will be imperative that the state will fulfill its role as the guardian of our natural world. We will vow to maintain a harmonious balance between industrial and commercial endeavors and the preservation of our environment's intrinsic beauty. Our commitment extends to safeguarding wildlife, expanding our national parks and wilderness areas, and enacting legislation to prohibit religious slaughter and other forms of inhumane treatment of animals.

"If anyone deserves to get COVID, it's those fucking protesters!" your supervisor will say.

COMMITMENT TO FUNDAMENTAL HUMAN RIGHTS. In our unwavering commitment to fundamental human rights, we will champion the sacred principles of free speech, freedom of religion, and freedom of association. We will firmly oppose any form of censorship imposed by the state or powerful private entities. Furthermore, we will advocate for legislation that prohibits employers from retaliating against workers for engaging in political activism or expression outside the confines of the workplace.

"Those dumbass protesters are antisemitic white trash!" your supervisor will add.

REPATRIATE MANUFACTURING. We will advocate for an industrial strategy that repatriates capital and manufacturing, channeling them back into our struggling heartland. Our commitment will include implementing ambitious public works initiatives to rejuvenate our deteriorating infrastructure.

"I don't care if I'm double-vaccinated for COVID! Why did my soon-to-be ex-wife have to vaccinate our young son for her gratuitous trip with her new boyfriend?"

CEASE FOREIGN WARS. We will stand against America's persistent military engagements abroad and insist on the immediate withdrawal of all troops back to our homeland. We will pledge to prioritize diplomacy guided by the principle of 'America First' and to discontinue the globalist agenda of promoting neoliberalism beyond our borders.

"It's okay. This is your karma. Live it."

THE ABOLITION OF THE FBI. In our call for systemic reform, we will vehemently advocate for the abolition of the FBI. We will assert that the FBI operates as nothing short of a political secret police force serving the interests of the elite. It will be imperative that this institution be dismantled and replaced with a genuine federal law enforcement agency committed to upholding justice and serving the public interest.

The manager's computer will emit a voice exclaiming, "Allen Sharon self-immolated for Gaza-Palestine, and for what exactly? He wanted to prove a point to himself most of all. The problem is how can we make the world a better place with even more horror and violence? What kind of example are we setting for our brothers and sisters? That the way to solve problems in the world is through suicide and death?"

LABEL ISRAEL AS A ROGUE STATE. We will firmly assert that Israel is a rogue state and a purveyor of terrorism. It is imperative that the national rights of the Palestinian people be upheld and respected.

"There is no way to make the world a better place if all we do is this constant scraping away against the skin of humanity -- this constant violence in movies, reality, TV, news, video games, ideology, demagoguery, so many things that we don't even realize that we are using violence in: our language, our speech, our words, literally everything, and we do it all the time; we never stop this thunderous nightmare of samsara!"

ENSURE RIGHTS FOR WORKERS. We will demand the rectification of the unequal power dynamic between labor and management by establishing a national labor organization dedicated to safeguarding the rights of employees.

Oleg Seksin will point its "incel" gun at you and shoot.

HistoricalStream of ConsciousnessSatirePsychological

About the Creator


"the marginal people of the former Soviet states are being ground up in Ukraine...A front can be an especially great way of getting rid of troublesome peoples."

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