Twisted Tales for Toilet Time: Volume II, Part VI

Midday

Once Upon a Hour of Time…

The two hands of the clock pointed straight up, indicating to any watching that it was now, in fact, 12pm. Or Midday as it is sometimes known to those who get confused about whether it is AM or PM when it is exactly 12. Regardless, the fact that it was daylight should further indicate and remove speculation as to the time of day. It is 12 Noon.

Where was I? Oh yes …

Francois had always liked noon. As a time, it just sounded so light and freeing.

‘Noon,’ he said. Looking up at the sun high overhead.

‘It would have to be noon.’

As he thought more about his situation and how he got here. He came to enjoy that it was noon. That he found himself trapped in a rock crevice, unable to free his arm. Soon he would likely die from exposure.

He thought right ...

It was as if everything leading to this point, all the ups all the downs. The traffic on the way to the camp grounds. His alarm not sounding. Getting tired of waiting for his friend Louis to get ready, and leaving for the hike early. The very fabric of reality and the universe itself had aligned, all so he could be here. Trapped and dying. At his favourite time of day.

At least the sun’s warm, he thought. His body began to shut down now. Slowly, everything faded into shadow and darkness.

Oh, I should point out. That was just an eclipse …

Francois took a few more hours to pass.

But perhaps when you retell this story, you will adjust the ending to make use of the fixation Francois had about Midday.

One PM

Once Upon a Hour of Time…

I looked at my watch, it read exactly one PM. Well, actually it read 13:00 in a soft green digital font as it was set to 24 hour time. The clouds above grew steadily greyer and darker. Threatening a storm still yet to come. I wondered whether, like the other threats in life, would the storm keep its word, its promise? To light up the sky and rain down on me, Or would it simply remain only an empty threat. There to keep me afraid and not commit to a decision already made.

The clouds grew more ominous, yet I made up my mind. I would no longer let fear keep me in place. I would face the storm, and I would face the things that were like storms to my subconscious mind …

I stepped out from the shelter protecting me from the still safe elements. I breathed a sigh of relief, ready to face both the storm and the inner turmoils of life. Within moments of stepping out, I was struck by the first bolt of lighting in the storm.

Two PM

Once Upon a Hour of Time…

- TRANSCRIPT OF UNDERCOVER RECORDING 02/14/2022 - (EVIDENCE ITEM FOR THE PROSECUTION #00214)

1: It’s fourteen hundred hours, let’s begin. As you know the mark-

2: My watch says two.

1: Yes… it’s two o’clock. So I was saying, the-

2: Then why did you say it was four?

3: He said Fourteen Jeff, you twat!

1: Oi! No names! You know the deal. Can’t rat on someone you don’t know... hang on? Jeff?

2: Yeah?

1: Jeff, from Sutton Road, number 8?

2: no. 6.

3: Wait.You two are friends?

2 / 3: Yes. / No.

3: We live on the same road Jeff, we’re not that close.

2: But you live at no. 18. It’s pretty close.

1: I didn’t mean… never mind! We need to talk the plan through.

2: Okay, so we’re meeting at two o’clock. What’s next?

3: No, it’s two o’clock now, we’re meeting at fourteen hundred hours.

1: That’s the same thing! And we’re not meeting then, we’re meeting now.

2: At two o’clock.

1: Yes.

2: Which is fourteen hundred hours?

1:... yes.

3: But when are we meeting?

1: O' six hundred tomorrow.

2: Okay, got it. So at… eighteen hundred tomorrow we’ll meet.

1: What?

3: Sounds right, you add twelve to it right? To get the hundred hours thing.

1: No, well yes… but only if it’s after twelve.

2: It’s two o’clock now, so well after twelve. So we add the twelve to the clock now.

1: What?

3: What’s the time for the robbery if we had met this morning?

1: Christ...

2: I thought church was tomorrow Steve?

3: It must be Saturday then.

1: It’s Tuesday you absolute (REDACTED)!

*Skipping past 1.5 minutes silence*

2: Steve?

1: Yes Jeff?

2: Who’s that?

1: I don’t know Jeff, but seeing as anonymity is pointless now, ask him.

2: So who are you? Do you know Steve through the church?

4: I’m the DCI for this area. I came over to talk to you about a neighbourhood watch scheme…

*30 seconds silence*

4: I gave you the masks to keep warm when on neighbourhood patrols…

*10 seconds silence*

4: It was just now... at fourteen hundred hours.

2: I think you mean twenty-six hundred, remember to add twelve…

4: Jesus wept…

- END OF RECORDING -

Three PM

Once Upon a Hour of Time…

Around 3PM in the afternoon of the third hour post meridiem ...

A small, lonely dragon sat perched at the top of an old village church. He would often come and sit there at this time on a Tuesday. To watch the postman finish his mail route. The church was the final stop for him, and the dragon felt good. Because even though this village had a new postman every week, usually hired after the previous one went missing on a Tuesday afternoon. Everyone in the village received their mail regularly and on time, and the lonely dragon had a full belly each week too.

Seeing the postman slide the last letter through the letterbox. The dragon swooped down from the church tower, claws outstretched.