Trip

I stood outside the grocery market, thinking about the dark blood that seeped out of the man’s skull down the street before I actually saw it.

Just before Aiden and I had made our way inside to get our awaited weekend’s groceries, I’d seen the man wearing a black jacket, with whom I assumed was his girlfriend, walking in before us. Aiden gave me a look, which I’d expected as we’d both stared through her jeans on our way in.

The girlfriend gripped the man’s arm, she was short and very loud, laughing in his ear. He must’ve not been much older than Aiden or I, and a lot taller than her. His posture was like a statue’s and he was light on his feet. He seemed stable, the short, too loud girlfriend, only clinged tighter with each step.

The man had a thin stubble, neatly trimmed that ran up his jaw and past his ears to meet with the hair on his head. His sharp nose and wide lips were complimented enough by the thin mustache matching the neat trim on his chin and jaw. I’d only seen that amount of delicacy and barber efficiency in movies or one of those men’s health or sports magazines I’d never been interested enough to buy, despite the clear and, frankly, pointless effort to appease an audience with a stranger’s perfect face magnified on a cover. Still, I’d followed him through the sliding glass doors, finding it unusual, the way he’d been so relaxed around that girl. They reminded me of the way remora fish stuck, vigilantly and stubborn against a shark. I found myself following his gaze from afar. An exigent presence burning through my concsiousness. I believed I didn't trust him.

The man’s eyes were an icy blue, maybe even green, I’d rarely see eyes cool enough to match the morning’s mountain crisp where we’d stay for the weekend.

Now, as I walked towards the man and the girfriend kneeling beside him on the floor, all I could think about was the remora; helpless and disoriented, losing its shark and its purpose.

Now the air felt even cooler, my fingers numbed as I clutched the grocery bag filled with beer, cold meats, and snacks close to my chest, watching the girlfriend crouch beside her boyfriend’s limp body. He’d slipped on an ice patch by their truck as they’d put their groceries away. He didn’t get a chance to hold on to anything or even soften the fall. He fell backwards, skull hitting the curb.

Tourists and other mountain visitors began to crowd their way around, their murmurs barely audible over the young woman’s panicked screams.

A short, older woman beside them dropped her groceries and pulled her husband with her near the couple. Both kneeled beside the girlfriend on the ground to help. The older woman’s husband pulled out his phone and dialed frantically. I thought of the way fish schools weaved through one another, gaping their emtpy mouths on nothing; twisting and turning, going nowhere.

“Come on, we shouldn’t crowd.” Aiden spoke low beside me, bumping my shoulder forward with his.

Aiden and I set the groceries in the back of his car, I stole a glance at the scene just a few yards from us, then at Aiden. His growing hair ruffled with his movements. He too, was glancing cautiously behind him, his normally vibrant maple eyes shaded in the dark, pinewood stillness of the air.

The last time I remembered feeling so queasy was when my shins fractured in a cross country meet. Aiden had been there too, we’d done every sport together in high school. We met in middle school, and he’d been my closest friend until now, even after going to different colleges. We’d planned this weekend and paid his father to rent a Big Bear cabin from one of his coworkers for our yearly boys trip. It hadn’t actually been a yearly thing since we were juniors in high school. That was four years ago. Senior year applications and our conflicting college and work schedules broke our streak until now. I found myself thinking how little I knew about Aiden at this very moment, my stomach took a turn.

I hadn’t seen Aiden in months now, since some random party we both got invited to by a mutual high school friend. We’d met up again and made it possible for this trip to happen after weeks of planning over the phone. I felt a clenching dryness around my throat during the drive. The feeling resembled that of the first day in a new school, except the only other student was Aiden and I felt a brittle crack of light within me, flickering behind my eyes on whether he’d let me sit with him at lunch.

The scene in the grocery store parking lot seemed to finally break the ice, and unfortunately, break something else too.

Aiden sat beside me on the driver’s seat, our eyes met for a silent second, his eyes still captive to that strange gloom. I noticed this is the first time I’d seen him clearly today. The skin on his face appeared layered with enamel, guarding it from impurities, like a coat of gloss over a china plate. His eyes lifted slowly, catching the sun inside them, still, as if afraid to break. I wasn’t expecting the wide grin that broke his expression to it’s usual vivid cartoon resemblance.

“You good, Dylan?” Aiden laughed, airy and exaggerated, “You look constipated.”

I smiled, chuckling through my nose, feeling less heavy.

“Well, it’s not every day I see a man literally die in front of me.”

“Do you think he’s actually dead?” Aiden said, turning his key on the ignition.

“I don’t know.” I rubbed my cold nose, taking the gloves off my hands, “Looked like it.”

I glanced at Aiden’s hands, gripping the steering wheel, they were bigger than I remembered. His knuckles clenched and relaxed, running his hands over its smooth curve. They went up , then down to the sides with ease. His thighs shifted as he turned to face the rear end of the car, backing up. My gaze traveled up to his arm, bicep flexing behind my seat as he stretched to look. His straight nose and jaw, stuck forward, pointed like an arrow to whatever direction his eyes looked. His eyes were still softened against the sun in a brown solidified cider. I turned away to the window.

My eyes froze at the sight of the man with the black jacket, standing up, well and alive. The blood, now dripping down his face, onto the dips of his eyes. He was alone.

The girlfriend disappeared, the older couple beside her, the lingering watchers, all gone. Dark red, wet circles formed where his blue eyes should’ve been. His neat beard was tainted by small red drops pouring from above. That wasn’t what concerned me most, his cheeks were hollow, caved into the bones in his skull, mache paper skin coated his skeleton. My throat was getting smaller. Thin, gray holes began to form where the skin grew thinner and thinner on the man’s face, ready to spurt more black blood. His eye sockets clenched, as if stuck in a painful blink, or grimace, and more dark liquid squeezed from them like black boiling, poison.

“Dylan” Aiden repeated from his seat. For a second, his wide smile turned in its corners and began to fade. His light eyes that were beginning to soften from their cool grip earlier, crisped again, hiding their warm honey color inside.

“Do you see that–” I turned back to the window, but the scene was the same as before we’d entered the car. The small crowd filled the area, a police car had arrived, and at a distance, an ambulance cried.

“What?” Aiden leaned forward to look around me. The sight was the same as earlier, except the elder couple had stepped back, holding the shaking girlfriend. I blinked quickly, my head felt fuzzy.

“Oh….the police” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t going to admit what I’d seen, I didn’t even know what I’d seen, or thought I’d seen. My throat was still thin, like a straw.

“Chill dude,” Aiden chuckled again. “I’m sure he’s fine, you just need a drink.”

I began to feel giddy. A trapped breath left my lungs as I remembered the trip and what we were here for.

“Damn, say less.” I faced the road again. “We both better be plastered tonight after this shit.”

“Let’s go!” Aiden yee-hawed loudly, turning up the stereo and speeding down the street toward the cabin.

Upon entering the coppice-covered driveway that ran up for almost a quarter of a mile, Aiden and I couldn’t stop staring at the giant pines leading the way to the cabin like soldiers guarding their queen.

For a moment, I lost interest in the stillness of the trees and instead, watched them through the reflection in Aiden’s eyes. His grin widened, jaw slacked in awe. Tiny hair strands almost reached his marble eyes, falling like silk on his forehead.

“This cannot possibly be worth what we paid '' He laughed. “This is a fucking steal, we should’ve brought a group of us!”

Of us. I’m not exactly sure what Aiden meant by this. We hadn’t really spoken to anyone else outside of people in college here and there, and even then, I didn’t know who he knew, and likewise for him. Not that I had met many people. If he meant our high school group, we haven't even spoken to them in a while, maybe a year. I’m sure Aiden hadn’t either. It took a considerable amount of effort to do stuff like this with new friends, I’m sure he felt the same. The longest friendship I had was with Aiden, I’m not sure there’d be many ‘of us’ besides ourselves.

Inside was just as impressive as the outside. Wooden walls laid out, high with stationed, sanded bark guarding the admirable collection of skillfully developed oak furniture like a boscage of trees. A large brown leather couch draped in stitched cotton blankets, like quilts, sat in the center of the living room across the widescreen television and corner fireplace. The kitchen shared a marble table with the dining room as a bar with wooden stools. A separate, large dining table sat beside it with six chairs, each with a fluffy cushion stitched in. There were two bedrooms upstairs, each bed with a giant cloud-like sheet, memory foam on the mattress, and matching beige drapes on the windows. There was a full bathroom between the bedrooms and a half one downstairs by the living room.

The best part was in the backyard, on top of the wooden porch. Sitting over another hardwood level was a four-person hot tub with a protection cover, side settings, and a small cocktail bar right beside a second fireplace.

Aiden took out the beers from the car before any other grocery bag and opened one for himself and me.

I watched as Aiden headed out and jumped over the hot tub cover, bouncing from one leg to the other.

“You’re gonna fall in and I’m gonna laugh my ass off, watch” I said, leaning against the cocktail bar.

“You’re acting like you wouldn’t jump in with me, you ass.” His wild eyes roamed the yard, I stared at his back as he turned away. His shoulder blades were almost visible under his jacket, they moved, widening and flexing as he stretched his arms wide over his head from his position over the tub.

“Look, there’s a chopping block.” He said excitedly, pointing below the porch.

I walked towards it and grabbed hold of the ax, positioning a piece of firewood beneath me.

I watched as Aiden tried to follow, but the tub cover slipped and he lost his balance. He scrambled loosely, almost falling into the water through the open hole on the side.

“Oh shit.” He tried to whisper, but his voice shook from the struggle.

I bursted into a loud cackle. “What did I tell you?”

“Fuck off”

I raised the ax above my head, staring at Aiden’s tense shoulders and his back again as he held onto the edge of the porch for balance. I remembered his bicep back in the car. I couldn’t see it now, just the outline of it under his jacket. Patches of snow covered the ground, it was freezing, of course. I made myself cringe and shook my head. It's been a while since I’d seen him, he must’ve been working out more. I was jealous, I'd been slacking.

My throat clenched on the thought of the man’s twitching eye sockets, pushing out hot blood into his skin like his cracked skull on the pavement. I looked at the forest around us, an endless, graying darkness of trees stretched out in the distance. What I’d seen back then didn’t even look like blood, it looked like a toxin, ready to suffocate me, oozing, growing and bubbling. Then I felt the forest turn. The tree branches twisted around me, circling and closing in, stretching, whispering, screaming. I brought the ax down harder than expected, cracking the wood beneath me.

Inside, Aiden and I fixed bowls of crackers, chips, cheese, cold meats, dips, and appetizers on the dining table. We placed the stuff that would go bad like milk and eggs in the fridge. We didn’t bother putting away anything else that didn’t need to be, hence why food boxes, wrappers, and bags littered the kitchen table and some layered on the floor.

“We’ll clean it up before we leave.” Is what Aiden said. After all, it would just be the two of us this weekend, there shouldn’t be a lot of mess.

By the time we had unpacked, chopped more firewood, and settled by the table, we must have been on our fourth or fifth drink. Aiden and I didn’t do a great job of choosing our liquor at the market, so we ended up combining wine, margarita mixers, beer, and a couple of different shots.

“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” Aiden asked from his slumped position on the bar stool. He was leaning forward, two of the stool’s legs on the ground and the other two in the air. He cracked another wide grin, stuffing another cracker with cheese into his mouth.

I thought it was curious how the lines on the sides of his lips dipped down into his chin and then appeared as tiny dots on his dimples. They reminded me of stitches on a rag doll, strategically placed to sharpen his features. Aiden was a character, animated and vocal, he always said what was on his mind, not a second thought, honest and simple. He didn’t second guess himself often, which is probably why he had incredible grades. Multiple choice was his favorite part of exams, while it was my least. Aiden dissected the air around him in the same way that eagles spotted their prey. Hesitation conducted putridity, waste, and complication. He was only missing the wings.

“You’re one to talk,” I took another drag of my drink, not even remembering what it was by now. “You’re gonna break that stool.”

“Nah, I’m gonna break something else.” He said, slurring slightly and standing from his seat. He leaned to the side and walked toward me.

I knew what he was doing before he had taken another step. I hadn’t seen that expression on his face since we were freshmen in high school. Aiden’s playful grin took a twisted turn every time he’d want to wrestle. He’d suck in the air in cheeks and poke his tongue to one side, then the other.

“I’m gonna stop you right there because I still somewhat care about you, and I don't feel like kicking your ass right now” I said, leaning back in my seat.

“Get up.” Aiden was standing before me now. He placed his arms up in a fight stance. Through his thin shirt, I could see his big chest and swelled arms flexing as his thumbs ran up and down his tightly fisted fingers.

I looked down at my drink in hand, staring at it a little too hard. I knew he wouldn’t stop now. In a split second, I placed my drink down and lunged forward, burying my shoulder on his chest, pushing him to the ground. The skin on my head began to sting.

Aiden groaned and laughed in surprise as his back clashed with the carpet. I could see now that my head had hit his bottom lip and slit his skin open, a drop of blood squeezed through. Before I could react, he wrapped a leg around mine and tried to flip me over, but I pinned his other leg down with my free knee. Aiden relaxed for a second, and then released his hold on my leg to kick me on the ribs with his knee.

I gasped in pain, losing my hold as he found leverage to flip me over and kneel over me.

“You dick.” I muttered through pained breaths.

“What, you give up?” he smiled down at me, his teeth were perfectly straight, and white, except for the blood smearing part of them now. His brows furrowed slightly as he peered through low lids.

I raised my arm to grip his shirt, but he pinned both my arms down with his hands, fingers tight and stingning my skin.

I could see his chest rising and falling softly, his lips parted. The smell of alcohol and lime filled my nose. I looked sideways, catching a glimpse of empty cans on the floor. There shouldn’t have been so many, my head began to spin. I tried my arms again, but Aiden was very still. I met his gaze, his brows relaxed. His hair hung before him, the strands almost touching my face, saved by an inch of space. He released the pressure on my arms, I didn’t think he noticed, he just stared, quietly for a second. I tried to focus, but he seemed to be doing the same, recognizing me. I wondered if he felt the way the room began to spin. The blood on his lip poured slowly down his chin. I blinked and the blood turned darker, thicker, almost black, but it was just Aiden staring back at me. I blinked again, his lashes laid over his large, glossy eyes like tiny drapes. His lids rose slowly, letting just a glimpse of the honey seep through and then closed again. He was so strong.

I could feel a tight heartbeat, like a baseball pounding down the sides of my throat. I tried to swallow, but the giant pulsating ball prevented anything from passing through. Aiden’s pink lips closed for a second as he swallowed, and parted again, the blood came down further. I stared at his lips, they were glossy, I could almost smell the iron in the tiny red streak. Another blink, thick black blood, then another, Aiden and his lazy gaze. There was a heat straining in my chest, in my stomach, no, not there, somewhere, I don’t know where.

“Fuck off” My throat hitched struggling for words. My right arm, now free, rose up in the air to grip Aiden’s shirt tightly and pull him off roughly to the side.

Aiden sat on his knees, struggling for balance and gripped the wall. I stayed on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. I felt like an hour passed as I lay, frozen. A slight shiver traveled down my spine, the hair on my arms lifted in response, but a thin layer of sweat coated my chest.

Aiden was standing over me now, his shirt gone, jeans unbuttoned and drooping slightly.

“You coming?” He said, turning away and sliding the glass door to the backyard. I blinked in confusion and slight panic, not entirely sure I knew what was on Aiden’s mind anymore. What was he doing? Where did he think he was going? It was freezing.

I sat up and saw him removing the hot tub cover, hot steam rose into the sky. When did he turn it on? My head was spinning, I looked at the dining table littered with wrappers and food crumbs, there were nearly a dozen cans opened. I didn’t want to think further, so I removed my jeans, neglecting the cool breeze penetrating through the widened glass door. I stared at the forest, then Aiden’s heaving chest, jeans gone and hot breaths slipping from his lips, matching the hot tub’s steam. Suddenly, Aiden stood over the tub and dropped to the side, splashing hot water into the air and porch.

I laughed at his limp body, which stood up from inside the tub a second later, shaking his hair like a wet dog.

I stepped outside and raised my shirt over my head. When it was off, there was a white, sunken face among the trees. My heart sank and I lost my balance. My eyes fought through the tiny snowflakes falling and hot steam rising. I couldn’t see anything clearly anymore. I heard Aiden laughing, very far away. There was wind in my ears. I could hear an owl.

After what seemed like a lifetime, I finally reached the tub’s border, hoisting my body up, taking another look at the blurry forest, the white face gone. I let my body fall over Aiden, pulling him down with me. Our bodies twisted and tangled in the water’s heat. I didn’t exactly know which way was up, but soon, my head was over the surface, cold icy air stung my cheeks.

Aiden was laughing again, I laughed louder as I saw his face leaning backwards, lower and lower until he swallowed water and coughed.

I didn’t remember how I’d gotten here, I think Aiden and I had a conversation in the tub, broken by random laughter, I don’t remember that either. He said something, I agreed; I couldn’t even hear him, couldn't see him, I only felt him there. My eyelids were heavy, drooping over my eyes, I saw the last of the blood on Aiden’s lips disappear into a tiny line dragged by the water and then nothing.

I faced the clear glass door, feeling my body sinking into the warmth of the water. My muscles relaxed and the buzz of alcohol filled my head and chest with tiny trembling waves like soft white noise pouring out of a radio’s speakers. Maybe I was more like a record player instead, spinning and spinning, dizzying, and losing myself until the music stopped.

“Do you hear that?” Aiden shouted, no, he whispered. Right into my ear. He was right beside me. I don’t know how he got here.

“Hear what?”

“That singing sound…like a booing.” He said, turning his head, his wet lips grazed my ear lobe. He leaned down, resting his head on my shoulder, both of us sinking slowly.

“It’s an owl.”

I’d remembered hearing an owl when I was younger, it was at a cross country meet. I didn't know what it was, the coach said his grandfather owned two owls, that’s how he knew the sound of them. This was the same day that I fractured my shins. Aiden had warned me about my injury. I wasn’t supposed to race, the doctor told me I had been running with shin splints and that they weren’t healing because I didn’t rest. I didn’t want to rest, I wanted to run, so I didn’t tell the coach. Aiden was there when I fell before finishing the race, exhaustion and pain burning past my skin and stabbing through my bones. It felt like a giant adjustable wrench placed around both my legs, pressing down furiously, tightening harder into my shin bone just shy of breaking it. I began to panic, thinking I’d never walk again, but Aiden walked me to the nurse, he walked me to the car, and through the rest of the trip. And here Aiden was again, leaning on me, holding me, taking me with him.

He was always one step ahead.

The owl sang again. The sky had settled to a foggy graying haze, darkening with the last of the sun’s rays disappearing over the horizon. I could see the shadows of the trees leaning to the left just a few moments ago, and then slowly leaning to the right as the sun sank lower, and Aiden and I with it.

I turned my cheek closer to his face, my chin grazed over his forehead and pushed it slightly so he’d face me.

Aiden’s head was heavy. Despite the thick muscle hugging his body, he didn’t seem to have any strength left. He’d built himself through excess training and nothing sheer of his usual self-improving simpleness. I began to think it wasn’t weird that I could think about Aiden all day, I had been thinking about Aiden all day. I hated Aiden and his refined incompatible essence, grown upon nothing but himself.

I leaned my nose against his forehead now, my lips pressing, opened against his brow. I’d attached most of this friendship upon Aiden’s prominence within me, I wondered if he did the same. What did he mean by more “of us”?, there couldn’t have been any more of us. I should let it go. Everything there was of us was right here and now.

I leaned even closer, falling over Aiden, his head turned upward, the water at his chin. His arm swung sloppily over the backrest, trying to keep his head above water. He must’ve pressed a setting in doing so, hot bubbles bursted, fawning hot steam into our faces and up our nose and lips. We rose slightly in unison, connected. I couldn’t feel my legs, I only felt him, somewhere beneath the angry steam. Aiden didn’t move, only followed, swaying, glancing up at me, a blush crowning his cheeks. His eyes had found their caramel hue, softened, excited, and glad, simple.

Aiden was so simple, I couldn’t read a thought behind his eyes. For someone who could talk his head off, he’d been so damn quiet about everything. Despite the urge to jump out into the crisp of winter outside, I pressed further into him, wishing I’d become part of him, that he'd stop being so simple, so compromising. He’d laid out every simple blank book for me to write in and I still couldn’t read a word. I'd wish he’d read it for me, I needed all of him, there couldn’t be room for more of us. He didn’t understand yet.

Out of the corner of my eye, a white face swung through the trees, into the reflection of the glass door. I turned, slightly, my heavy lashes, coated with tiny droplets almost sealed my eyes like glue. There was a man. He was here.

The man’s eye sockets and gaping mouth hole grew black and wet, oozing out chunks of blood. He ran toward us. I stiffened, suddenly cold and trembling against Aiden. I looked down at him, his eyes had closed. I turned to the reflection again, the man was almost on the porch, his mache paper skin thinned out completely, burning horrible ovals, stretching like gum, sticking to his cheekbones. Steaming hot blood bubbled its way out, invading his skin and the snow below.

The owl sang again. I called Aiden, his head turned slightly, a smirk on his lips. I yelled, his eyes shifted, barely opened. He wrapped a hand around my neck, pulling me down to him.

“Aiden!” I screamed louder, our noses were touching.

The man was at the porch steps, wide black, stringy arms hung over the hot tub, burying into my skin. My throat hurt, I was screaming.

Aiden’s eyes, in their molten syrup and brown sugary sweetness were replaced by the dark, ugly, gaping percolating holes on the white face. I tried to save Aiden, tried to stop it. Why didn't he see me?

I sobbed, my body jerked, fighting to stay afloat the darkening water, tinted by the wretched black venom. I could feel a stinging on my shoulders, I couldn’t see Aiden, I’d lost him, I panicked.

I shut my eyes, fighting the blackened strings and burning steam itching and crawling into my skin, hot tears met the drops on my face. I kicked, my back hit the edge of the tub, my shoulders burned. My fists clenched. I kicked again, my legs with a mind of their own, then again. Time dragged far too long until the pressure stopped, and I was still.

I fell back, head leaning against the edge of the tub, the bubbles stopped and I heard nothing. I was a flat, breathless, dying fish; limp on the water's surface.

I forgot how I’d gotten here. I missed Aiden, I wanted to feel him. Maybe I’d hated Aiden for needing him, he didn’t know. He didn’t know, and he knew so much. If he wasn’t so simple, maybe he’d know. Why was he gone?

An invisible stone sat lazily on my stomach, another on my chest, my lungs fought, punctured by the weight, the air getting out.

My sobs settled to small, whining breaths, coming in short and untimed spasms. I opened my eyes, catching the singing owl soaring through the sky. Its tiny white face and milky feathers swayed above, clear in the darkness of the sky, and out of sight.

I raised a hand weakly over my head and tried to catch it. I couldn’t bring it back. It was so far away. I sunk lower.

I blinked at the tightening darkness wrapped around my hands, bringing them down to my face. Dark, wet patches of hair tangled around my fingers, and nails. I inspected them. The water below me was a dark red.