Treasured, Mysterious, Over-Achiever, Protector and Twenty-Four Hours

Mister Treasured,

I'm glad I wasn't there when it was confirmed by doctors that you couldn't be revived. You would think that that sounds cruel, and I do too, but based off of the stories I've heard of what went down then, I don't think I could've handled being there.

It hurts just imagining it.

A scene from those sad movies, that's what it was, but it was terrible because it was real. Your mom went off at the staff. She screamed and cried and no matter what people would do to hold her back she couldn't keep still. Of course, I get the professional's side of the matter. They did their best. The thing is, there's a big difference of "best" when it comes to saving lives and something random like making sandwiches.

And "best" wouldn't cut it in a mother's mind unless you came out of it alive, as it should be. It's that way for me too. I'll always continue to wish something wouldn't gone different, even if it spared your life by barely a second.

Your sister was distraught. For as long as I've known her, I've never seen a drop of sadness on her face. She always had the widest smile and that's what made her so admirable. It was her greatest asset, sorta like yours was. Even though she was still gorgeous when she cried in your mother's arms, it almost didn't feel real to see such a sight.

It appeared as some world that shouldn't even dare to exist.

It was the biggest disgrace I've ever known.

Still, the most terrible idea to process through my head is the fact that I mourn this bad, and I haven't even known you all your life. I'm not a sibling of yours, or a parent. I'm just a person like many whose paths crossed in our early adulthood, and yet I can't even believe that there's a feeling worse than the one I'm experiencing.

How can they possibly cope when I'm not doing a good job at it myself?

As was said at your funeral, a child losing their parents makes them an orphan, but there's no word to explain losing a child, and that's because there's no word for it's pain. It's something that nobody deserves to go through, and a sibling too; they should never lose the person whose been their best friend, maybe since the time they were born. Someone whose been there for them since day one.

Your girlfriend. She doesn't deserve to lose her other half. She doesn't deserve to have an interrupted story with a person whom she gave her heart. She shouldn't have to wait for the season two where she sees you again.

But like was also said at your funeral, they and I-- we somehow have to go on, and the key to doing that is imagining that you've gone abroad. That's what we were told to do. They say that to us so that we know we're for sure allowed to miss you and remember you, and be sure our memories to live on.

Paradise is on countdown.

You knew that too, before you passed.

See you soon.

-C.L.

-

Mister Mysterious,

There is something about you that I don't understand, and I don't think that I ever will. Even if you showed up miraculously right in front of me right now, I wouldn't have the guts to ask you. We've chatted all the time since I've been away and I've never once built up the courage to ask you anything along the lines.

What made you decide to hang out with me?

I hurt you when you did. I didn't mean to. I'm not the type to usually get visitors and I'm not one to be known as sociable. I know you thought that I didn't acknowledge you. That I didn't care that you made so much effort to visit me from quite a distance. I heard the chatter around my relatives. Apparently you admitted that I made you feel that way.

I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry that I didn't better explain myself, but I do mean it when I say that it's not that I didn't want to be around you or speak with you. It's that I didn't know how. That's not an excuse. I'm not trying to buy myself out of the blame of losing you, but it is far from a lie.

It was kind of intimidating if I have to admit. I didn't expect it to get that far. I had this longing to be around you and that's all that I thought about, but when it came to be, and out of nowhere at that -- making an effort that no one else made, I didn't know where to go from there.

What I imagined came to reality, and I only allowed myself to imagine it because I thought it'd only be a work of fiction. Not something that I could actually hold in my hands. Before I knew it though, it looked like I actually had a shot.

But I wasted it, ignoring you -- coming up with some inner look-downs on myself that this must be a trap. Someone like you was too cute for me. I was someone no one paid attention to. I was once ranked to be at the bottom of my middle school in appearance, before getting out of there and behind a screen, the only place I was comfortable. Someone like you was too popular for me. I never got texts. You had a wildfire of admirers, left and right and they filled your inbox. I saw that when you were before my eyes. I thought that didn't leave space for me.

Someone as beautiful as you must've had a girlfriend already, when we first met, right?

Apparently untrue.

Someone as beautiful as you didn't want something from me, unless you were dared, right?

Also apparently untrue.

Someone as beautiful as you couldn't actually look at me and think anything besides a joke, right?

Actually, I don't know.

I don't know because I never tested the theory. I never tested where I thought there might be a chance I could be happy.

And in all my hypotheticals, you were upstairs in my vacation house, playing guitar, and singing. It was a cover of "Out of My League" by Stephen Speaks. I could hear you a little through the cracks of the ceiling, even better too, when you uploaded to your social media. Then, everyone could hear it.

Some people liked to say it was for me.

I always said it was for some imaginary girl I didn't know at the time. Maybe even the girl you ended up dating after I rejected you. A girl who though I once envied, I care for a lot now.

That doesn't mean I didn't wish it was for me.

I wish it was.

I wish I saw that you actually liked me when you claimed that you did. I wish I knew how your heart beat at the time. I was so sure all those notifications on your phone were something you hid your true feelings.

I didn't realize that second guessing myself could be so destructive.

I didn't know that I'd miss out on the thing in the world I wanted the most because of it.

You.

-C.L

-

Mister Over-Achiever,

Don't you think it sucks that we all leave this earth in the same way? I mean, yes, it makes sense that we, all being born the same way, leave in the same way too -- and whatever the case, that's what I do believe is the most logical thing to go off of.

Still though, isn't it true that it isn't our vanishing that's remembered, but it's the way we lived when we walked the planet? That's what people think of us in. Memories. It's like the unit of us -- it defines our measure.

We don't remember death. We remember the life it once had. We don't remember that we've been left behind. We remember that at one point, we were side by side.

And you -- you've given us lots of things to remember. Good things.

You were never satisfied with the bare minimum. You lived in a place that took adjustment to what you knew, because you were determined to reach the goals in life that were important to you. You had to experience change and break down barriers that other people didn't have to.

Your life wasn't easy. You had to fight to get as far as you got, and based on what I've heard, everyday was another battle for you. That's why you cherished your sister so much. That's why you were so proud of her and bragged about her without fail.

She was all you had.

I could've been that person for you too, if I only would have known. I would've tried to be too, if I was certain I had that invitation. I would've done everything I could to make you happy and to live life the way you deserve. I would do everything I could to prove just how much you're worth.

I know myself, shyness makes us hold back on things that we later regret we held back on. I've been there, and to make myself feel better, I tell myself that that's why I didn't see the signs when our world's tried colliding. Because you were shy. Two shy people having trouble communicating what lies on the inside. That's what I think we were.

I mean it's not totally illogical, is it? It's just a shame. It's a pity our chances fell through the cracks.

But at least we did graze fingertips. At least we were almost there. I keep thinking that it's such a tragedy that that's as far as we ever got, but I should be grateful that we got to cross paths like we did. That our lives skimmed by one another's. This world is full of people that never got to meet you, and if they did, they all would have liked you. I know they would.

I'm not the only one. That's what makes it a privilege.

So maybe you didn't vanish from earth surrounded by angels playing harp and singing out in low, triumphant voices. Maybe it wasn't elaborate, with thousands of people bowing down in honor toward you. Maybe that didn't happen even if you did deserve it. Maybe you simply fell asleep and never woke up, falling away without a trace -- no rope encircling you to pull you back to reality.

Nothing about it was royalty, but that's not the point now, is it?

Regardless, I am proud to have met you. I am quite a fortunate guy. Yes, you disappeared like any one else in history has, but you're the only one out of anyone I've ever known that I say, "thank you for the lessons you've taught me in our limited forever" and "thank you for the life you lived".

That's what makes you different.

That's what makes me awe.

-C.L

-

Mister Protector,

Before you arrived to stay at our vacation house, I promised my girlfriend's little sister I'd spend some time with her. The family wanted me to be accepted by every single member and that included her, so I went along with the invite.

What could possibly go wrong spending time with a little kid? That's what I was thinking before I went, and I wish I didn't. I wish I declined.

We ate at a restaurant, just the two of us, and the kid was talking like kids tend to do. You can never really guess what is going to come out of their mouths no matter how closely you follow their conversation. They're totally random, and because of that, I was caught completely off guard when she looked up from her plate suddenly, and uttered out these words.

"When I grow up, I hope I can have two boyfriends like my sister. One for affection, and the other for money."

You could probably imagine my jaw fell to the floor. I didn't know what to tell her, and even if I did, my tongue wasn't going to let me get out the words. I stammered across every letter of the alphabet, of probably every language the world conceals, only to come out with one clean phrase: "what do you mean?"

She looked up at me keenly, between bites of her meal, a smile on her face that shouted how naive she was about the bad example her sister was setting for her, and she went on talking, but I chose to tune her out. This was confirmation that the so-called "ex" of my girlfriend wasn't her ex at all. She staged their break up, reassured me they were over, and then took advantage of me in every way she could.

I paid the staff and got the hell out of that place as fast as possible, that kid trailing on behind me without a single realization of what she just told me. I confronted her mother about it when I dropped the girl off at her house, and that's when it got a whole lot worse. The woman I loved and trusted like my own mother looked me dead in the eye and told me that her youngest was lying.

"You know how kids are," is what she said.

Yes. I do in fact know how kids are. They're bluntly honest, and this was hereby proof that it wasn't only my girlfriend taking advantage of me. It was the whole family.

I was hurt, and in the meantime, I didn't understand why I was because clearly this was the pathway that gave me clear reason to get out of a relationship I didn't want to be in, but for some reason it wasn't that easy.

That girl was my first kiss. She stole what was supposed to be special to me when she had millions of others in her past, and while I was beating myself up for emotionally cheating on her with you, she was out physically sleeping with the man she saw everyday at her college campus.

Me? She'd go weeks without seeing me and the times she did she acted like it was the biggest struggle of her life.

And yet I thought I deserved it. I thought I was supposed to put up with the mess my relationship was and be beat down over and over again because that's what came my way. I still thought that my mission to make her a good and better person was still in motion, and now even more crucial.

People even told me I had to do that. They said that to my face, and I didn't want to let them down.

I treated her like she was my responsibility when she never was, and because of that, I was hurt that a person I wasn't in love with broke her promises. After all, even if there's no love, someone breaking loyalty still hurts. Sometimes worse.

When I came home, you were sitting on a seat in the living room, scrolling through your phone uncomfortably. My family was doing their own thing, letting you sit there alone and they showed you no hospitality. I hope you cut them some slack and you weren't too offended because of that. People are busy. I think you know that. I think you're understanding.

You reminded me of the song you sang, "because it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea, but I'd rather be here than on land" because I keep remembering in my head, even if I made it up, that your eyes lit up when you saw me despite you feeling awkward, and for one second I actually thought, maybe you are in love with me. Maybe it's not something I allowed myself to think. The eyes don't lie, right?

And still, I didn't spare you a glance. The day I lived through was too heavy and it made me physically tired. I didn't even feel like breathing anymore. Life was far too exhausting, but you came through for me.

I don't know how you managed to know me so well, but one glance at me and you knew that I didn't walk to talk about what happened if it meant I was going to cry in front of you, and so, we talked about whatever you can come up to talk about.

You talked to me even though you were shy because you knew I needed it.

And that lasted the whole night.

For that I say thank you.

I haven't met someone like that.

Someone who chose me before themselves.

Even my girlfriend didn't.

-C.L

-

Mister Twenty-Four Hours,

They say when you're dealing with grief, there's that first second that you wake up in the morning that you don't feel any pain whatsoever -- or happy even, and that second everyday increases slowly until you can live the majority of your day in higher spirits. For a long while though, there's that moment that the sorrows of life bombard you into it's rubble, and what's consistent about it is that each time it comes it can't be shaken off.

I don't think I've experienced any improvement in those steps yet. It seems to me that you never leave my mind. I spend my day mourning you so much that your lovable face seeps right into my dreams, and the next morning I mourn all over again. It's a repetitive cycle that I don't see myself getting out of.

Twenty four hours, every passing day.

Our pictures together are everywhere, and they're so easily at my fingertips that I can't go ten minutes without looking at them. I keep remembering how many times you asked me when I'd be able to see you again, the promises we made to meet up, and what we did have together and it breaks me that those promises weren't broken because you chose to be, but broken because you were silenced and didn't have a say from your casket.

There's bad and there's worse.

I know that you wanted to live up to everything you said you would and you were about to, if you were granted just a little bit more time and I hate every clock for holding you back and for counting your miliseconds.

I always thought about our next time being fulfilled, and enthusiasm swelled up in my body when I did. I was so ready to see you again. It was overdue, and I can't simply accept that now I can't, unless it's to visit your grave.

And it makes it clear. We truly weren't designed to die, because even our brains can't process that our favorite people have to leave us. We were designed to live forever, until the Devil tampered with our world and laughed at our hurt. We need our world restored and we need it fast.

Only God knows.

As I wait until that time to come, I at first cried because of the idea that I wouldn't know the earth anymore if you're not in it, because really, I still don't totally understand -- what's going to be left of this world if you're not here? You are the earth. You define it. You're its harmony, the very theme song of the oxygen we breathe, and without you I don't think the earth should be able to spin anymore.

Yet somehow it does, and the sun still rises too. The snow continues to fall, it rains cats and dogs some days, and the sky is still up above us. Gravity hasn't forsaken us either. It's as loyal as ever.

How? How can this be? Nothing about creation has changed besides you flying off, and I can't function the same as I used to. It's a bigger change than what people choose to notice.

And so I tried to change my mindset. Though nothing is ever going to change deeply missing you, I keep telling myself that I'm lucky.

I am lucky because I had something that made saying goodbye so hard.

I had you.

But that doesn't change that now I don't.

So I have to be strong.

-C.L