To Live or Die

Live or die. We all would like to believe that we have semblance of control over our mortality. In most cases, it seems, we lack the understanding of the present; let alone the intricacies of concepts so big as life or death. But, I digress. In this moment, the choice was mine.

My mind had barely registered what happened in the seconds leading up to my attempted murder. Something about money? My purse- my assailant wanted to rob me. It didn’t take any time at all for me to hand over my keys, purse, and wallet. I’d lament the loss of my Mickey Mouse purse- a gift from my sister- another time. Keys, purses, wallets – replaceable. Turns out the corporeal form is not. A fact that was not lost on me as the person in front of me brandished a handgun. I couldn’t see anything past the deadly formed, piece of steel currently pointed at my chest.

Focus- raise your hands. Don’t make eye contact. Wait, that’s not right- make eye contact. Show them you're scared, not a threat. You’re a human being. Someone’s daughter, mother, sister, aunt, friend- whichever would appeal to their humanity. Move your mouth! Tell them you don’t want any trouble; you just want them to leave with you still breathing.

Unfortunately, words failed me. I also realized that part of the decision wasn’t mine. I didn’t hear the shot so much as I saw it. The blowback, a brief, spark of light, the whizzing of the bullet, and a puff of smoke. That was it- it happened so fast that I didn’t at first realize my flesh had been pierced. The acrid smell and taste of blood was the absolute least of my worries. The assailant’s eyes were dark, like the fabric that covered ¾ of their face. Once the deed was done, they turned their back on me and ran.

Okay, anatomy 101. What does my body need to survive? Oxygen. I’m breathing, for now. Blood. Blood loss! I can’t lose too much. Now, is there an exit wound? I could be gushing blood from two places. I’m already dead, damn it! Wait- I can’t be dead if I’m still thinking. Not for long- I will succumb to darkness soon. Think!

The bank and ATM vestibule! That’s where I am. Why does that matter? Am I demented? Will I die thinking useless thoughts? No, it’s a clue. I was facing my assailant, their face mostly covered by that mask, but their eyes on display. Their eyes kept darting to the left, behind me. Trying to see if someone could see us through the glass facing the parking lot. I saw the shot, but heard nothing. No glass shattering behind me. The bullet is lodged in me. Entrance wound, no exit. Fall backwards, not forward. Use your center of gravity.

As my body pitched backward, I knew my brain was still functioning, albeit in slow motion. Pain was beginning to creep in, and that acrid blood in the air and my mouth, suddenly felt well within my rights to worry about now. I wasn’t going to survive the pain. I needed to let go, give up. Die.

No! You don’t have to die. Someone will come. You just have to hang on. Calm down. You’ve been in pain before, you can fight it. You know pain well. Remember you said no shock or pain was worse than the day you lost grandma? Or when he left? Or any of the other funerals, break-ups, sicknesses, accidents, etc. that you have survived? Emotional or physical, pain is pain. You’ve suffered so much already. Are you going to let some nameless, faceless person snatch away the things that make you, you?

I wasn’t in shock. Pain was radiating through me. I had seconds, not minutes before I passed out completely. What was I going to focus on my last few seconds? The blurry lights above me? The faint, albeit undeniable, sound of sirens? The piercing, numbing sound of a whiny, high pitched noise I surely imagined, drowning out the faint pounding of someone trying to get into the locked bank to assist me? God, that was annoying. I could just rest. Let it all drift away. Forget the fact that I’d done the hardest part. I was so tired. Just a quick nap. Eternal rest.

They’re waiting for you to come home. Your mom and sisters will be expecting your silly texts and memes – though they claim you send them nonsense. Your best friend and godson are looking forward to that movie date you promised them. Your loved ones are waiting. You can not die! Not now. It’s not time. You are loved. You can not abandon them.

A single tear worked it’s way down my right temple, just as I heard a voice asking if I was still alive. I couldn’t answer aloud but I knew the answer. It would take some time- 2 surgeries, months of intense rehab, and an overall adjustment to my way of thinking and living. But I chose to survive. Live or die- in less than 60 seconds, I chose life.