This Is It and It's Only The Beginning

(This is the eighth and final installment of the My Alternates series. If you haven't already, read the first here.)

“You’ve come a long way.”

The therapist clicked her pen and Luciana gave her a soft smile.

“Indeed, we have.”

She trailed her fingers along the chair upholstery. The patter soothed her, a series of interlaced diamonds with little circles inside each one. Outside, the birds chirped, and the cicadas screamed, announcing the end of spring and the arrival of summer.

“I think this will be our last session.” Luciana murmured, her eyes on the branches of the pear tree tickling the office window.

The therapist nodded. “You all have grown so much in these past few months. I’m so proud of what you’ve become.”

Luciana’s eyes sparkled. “You think we’re ready to go out into the world again?”

“Without a doubt.” The therapist replied. “I just have one question.

“What are you going to do first?”

Luciana laughed, her heart filled to bursting with hope for the future she would write.

“Whatever I want.”

-

The notebook laid open on the desk, its blank pages staring at Sahar tauntingly.

She had sworn she would never write a word in this little notebook of secrets and intimacies. The things she held were much too valuable, much too precious to be unleashed upon the world. She held secrets the others couldn’t even imagine. She held the weight of their life in her palms, and she had not dared to let it loose.

They hadn’t been ready. They hadn’t been prepared. All these years, they had been happy, but they had not been healed. Their darkness lingered in the background, with a thirst unable to be quenched, but one year ago, they had let it out. And like Sahar knew it would, it had consumed them. But with courage and determination, they faced it. They took it into themselves with ugly tears and open wounds, and they embraced the warped shadows. And they healed.

Sahar picked up the pen and began to write.

-

They gave her odd looks and baffled expressions as she passed, but Season didn’t care. She felt at home in her light blue fantasy gown and black cloak. It billowed out behind her, catching the wind, and fluttering like a sentient being. To her, it might as well have been.

She felt the energy in the air, and she harnessed it, bringing it into her chest like light. Strength flooded through her veins and she held her head high, her heeled boots clicking like the echo of confidence on the sidewalk.

She could see her already, her soft brown skin glowing in the sunlight, frizz framing her tangled black curls, blue eyes bright like mountain streams. A slit ran up the side of her blood red gown, and gold chains hung off her waist. Season took her in with heavy eyes.

Season brought her close, tangling their fingers, and pulling her into a gentle kiss.

“I love you.” Linnea whispered in the quiet warmth of the setting sun.

Season rested her forehead against Linnea’s, a smile like glittering stars on her lips.

“I love you more.”

-

Theo stepped into the barn for the first time in fourteen months. He inhaled deeply the scent of hay and horses, closing his eyes as he took in the sunlight streaming in the dusty window above his head.

His boots crunched over the hay as he approached the closest horse. She came to him, placing her soft muzzle in his palm and whickering softly, and a grin pulled at Theo’s lips.

“I’ve missed you too, girl.” He murmured.

God, how he’d missed this.

-

Shards twirled the knife in her hand, lifted it, steadied, and threw. The blade struck the target dead center, and satisfaction dripped from the smirk on her lips. Beside her Winsley shifted her feet, her lip in between her teeth, gauging the right position. To Winsley’s right, Linnea barely hesitated as she went all for it. Her blade bounced off the wall, and Winsley’s hit the target on the circle closest to the edge.

“How do you do this?” Winsley huffed.

Linnea laughed as Shards leaned her back against the wall, crossing her arms and gazing over her friends with a haughty uplift of her chin.

“I’ve had six months of practice, Win.” She said. “It takes time, dedication, and commitment.”

And a damn strong will.

Shards turned back to the target and picked up another knife.

-

Shark barreled into the waves and dove under their salty crests, surfacing with a wild laugh. His swim trunks floated around him, a little too big for their feminine body, but it made him feel good to wear them, a little closer to the Shark he envisioned in their head.

Winsley ran in after him, splashing water everywhere.

“Best. Idea. Ever.” Shark grinned. He kicked back and floated, staring up at the yellow ball of fire in the cloudless sky.

“You deserved a vacation after everything.” Winsley replied. “You deserve to feel happy.”

Shark let his legs sink until his toes just barely touched the sand bar. He paddled around him, relishing in the feel of the sea on his skin.

He belonged here, in the ocean, water caressing his form with the sun beating down on his red cheeks. He finally felt right. He felt more like himself here than he ever had before.

He was home.

“I do.” He said, casting his gaze out over the endless ocean. “I do feel happy.”

-

Dare fiddled with the rubber band. It had been a long time since they’d used it. They’d snap it against their wrist and the pain would ground them against the thoughts and the urges that plagued them. It had been a long time since they’d clenched ice in their fist or dug their nails into the palms of their hands.

Dare had spent their entire life wanting one thing: peace. Peace from suffering. Peace from pain.

Peace from life.

They had one goal, one purpose, one mission: to stop. To stop everything.

But Dare didn’t want to stop anymore.

They looked up the green glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling.

Dare wanted to live.

-

Winsley propped the laptop up on a chair and clicked into the call. Three faces popped up on the screen, all ranging from 20-50 years old, all from different countries, all with different cultures and experiences, but all with one thing in common.

Whisper hugged her stuffed bear to her chest as Winsley sat down beside her.

“Hi, everybody.” Winsley smiled encouragingly. “This is Whisper’s first time meeting other people like her, so she’s a little shy.”

“You don’t have to be shy!” The bright cheerful voice came from an older man with graying hair and a round belly, shirt stained from paint, with a wood workshop in the background. “My name’s Kiki and I’m six! Dan started this group for me and Stacey—she’s seven—and it makes me really happy.”

Kiki grinned a huge, toothy, childish grin, her eyes scrunched with joy and sparkling with excitement.

“I’m Timmy.” The body of the woman in her early 30s in the upper righthand corner of the screen said shyly. “I’m nine.” He sat on the floor of a bedroom, twiddling with Legos as he watched the others.

The last of the three, with the youngest body of only 20, blonde hair in double-braided pigtails, bounced up and down in her spot. “My name’s Rapunzel, like the princess! I’m eight like you.”

“Hi.” Whisper breathed, and the smallest smile crept onto her lips.

-

Dalia applied the black lipstick with ease. She guided thick eyeliner over her lids and brushed mascara onto her lashes.

Linnea greeted her at the door and lifted her brows at Dalia’s frayed black shorts and the chains hooked across the neckline of her raven top, even running her gaze down to the lace-up thigh-high boots hugging her calves.

“You look badass, Dalia.”

Dalia held her head high as she slipped her hand into Linnea’s, no longer held back by what she’s done or what’s been done to her, finally free to become exactly who she’d always wanted to be.

“That’s because I am.”

-

Thea lifted the lid to her laptop and opened up a fresh word document. The blank page stared at her like an old friend, fresh and crisp, but well-worn to her eyes.

Starting her own blog had never occurred to her before, but now she couldn’t imagine ever going without it.

She didn’t have much traction, but she managed to gather a few loyal readers. She had no intentions of grand success, just a gentle desire to touch a few hearts, and maybe help someone feel a little less alone.

Though Thea was always known as the ‘happiness holder’ she had managed to accumulate a tremendous amount of pain. Doubt plagued her like a disease and isolation haunted her like a ghost. There were hurdles the others had climbed over that Thea couldn’t figure out how to cross. She had never held hands with pain like Dalia, never cuddled on the couch with depression like Dare, never wrote love letters to her sorrows like Phoebe. Pain had never been her companion.

Thea’s job was to be happy, to be joyful, to be the epitome of everything they should have felt as a child.

But Thea had a complexity in her she hadn’t even known existed, and when she confronted that complexity, pain had come rushing over her like water through a broken dam.

Thea was no longer the ‘happiness holder.’

All the things that had alienated her from the others dissolved under the weight of her suffering, and new connections formed between them from the bridges they built through healing.

She still held her cheerfulness. She still held her joy. But she’d discovered a depth to her that she’d never known before.

Instead of a shallow lake, Thea was a vast ocean, and not even she had yet to explore her deepest trenches.

Are you ready, Thea? Dalia’s voice murmured in her head.

Thea stared at the blank page and the blinking cursor.

I doubt I’ll ever be ready. She responded. But I know you’ve got me if I fall.

Thea laid her fingers over the keys and began to write about the day she’d made the choice that changed their lives forever.

-

Standing in front of the big brick building with its tall white columns and wide metal railings, Phoebe wondered if she was dreaming.

Because this was surely a dream come true.

She’d never expected to go to college, never even entertained the possibility that she’d be able to. She had run away from home when she was eighteen, worked two and a half years in a coffee shop, and another one and half in a barn, then a final year barely managing to survive off of short-term disability, and yet, somehow, she ended up here.

You deserve it, baby. Shards gave her a little nudge.

Shark’s steady, comforting strength washed over her. It’s okay to be scared.

But don’t you dare let that hold you back. The sharp edges to Dare’s tone sent chills sweeping down her spine.

This is what you’ve always wanted. Luciana reminded her.

Phoebe took in a shaky breath, smiling through the tears welling up in her eyes.

This is it. Theo’s excitement fluttered through her stomach.

And this is only the beginning. Phoebe shook out Thea’s nerves.

The other students streamed past her, but Phoebe barely noticed.

I can’t believe this is actually happening. Dalia breathed.

It’s so exciting! Whisper exclaimed.

Season’s magic tingled in Phoebe’s fingers. You had it in you all along.

Sahar came forward with a power so strong it pulsed through Phoebe’s veins. The only thing left to do is take that first step.

Phoebe straightened the engagement ring around her finger.

And then she took that first step.

THE END