Things Left Unsaid

I looked out the window of Susanna’s Dessert Bar, straining my neck to see as much of the street as I possibly could. I was sitting on the little padded bench they have for people who were waiting to be seated. I wasn’t exactly waiting to be seated, I was waiting for my Carlos’ persistently late ass, and growing more annoyed with every second. Friday night at Susanna’s was a standing date for us, but lately he’d been cancelling and rescheduling. It was the first time in three weeks he hadn’t called to reschedule.

Where are you? I texted him. The message was delivered but after two minutes of starring at my screen it went unread. It was 7:26 and he was nearly 30 minutes late. I wanted to start without him, but that would have been petty and rude. So, I sat there in my yellow sundress and white sandals, looking casual but cute and waited.

At 7:42 Carlos finally walked in, wearing an open gray button-down, a plain white t-shirt underneath, faded blue jeans and his beyond worn out black and white Converses that he refuses to get rid of. He had hints of bags underneath his eyes and a scruffy beard growing in.

When he saw me, he gave me a charming smiling, showing off dimpled cheeks. “Hey babe sorry I’m late,” seemed to be part of his regular way of greeting me. There was no sincerity behind those words. He gave me a light kiss on the cheek and I ignored the gesture. Instead, I moved to the podium to tell the hostess we were ready to be seated.

She walked us to a back booth by the window with a view of Central Park. She placed two menus in front of us and filled our glasses with water. I already knew what I wanted and so I sat quietly watching him peruse the menu mumbling about stuff that he wanted to try. A moment later the waiter came by, a new guy, tall with a really cute smile. He was cuter than Carlos, but probably five years younger.

He introduced himself as Jason our server and asked, “Do you guys know what you’d like to drink?”

Carlos answered quickly without looking at me, “A glass Chardonnay please.”

They both turned their attention towards me, “Just Sprite please.”

“Alright, I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

When I looked at Carlos, he gave me a very obvious what-the-fuck look.

“Oh stop, I’m just not in the mood for wine tonight. Have you decided yet?”

“Yup I’m going with the peach cobbler today. What about you?”

“The double chocolate mousse cake.”

“Again? You had that last time.”

“I know but it was so good. It’s been on my mind all week.”

“Hmmm same dessert twice in a row and no wine. Who are you?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “In a row would insinuate consecutive. It’s been three weeks, it’s not consecutive.”

He gave me another look, “What’s your problem tonight? You pissed caused I was a little late?”

“Not pissed, annoyed. You act like you don’t care that we’ve barley seen each other in a month.”

“It hasn’t been a month Nikki, don’t exaggerate.”

Jason returned with our drinks and I asked him, “How long have you been working here?”

“About two weeks, why do you ask?”

“Oh, we’re somewhat regulars and I’ve never seen you here before. I was just wondering.” I said with a sweet smile.

“I just moved out here two months ago. I’m actually an actor so I’m doing this part-time. I just had a small part in an episode of Law and Order. It aired two weeks ago.”

“I love that show. I’m a little behind but, I’ll definitely look for you when I start watching again.”

“Cool.”

He then proceeded to take our dessert orders and Carlos’ attitude was evident in the way he said “peach cobbler.”

I didn’t care.

“What the fuck was that?” He asked when Jason walked away.

“What?”

“You know what, you were flirting with him right in my face? So what the fuck are you so pissed-off about that you had to do all that?”

“Lower your voice.” I whispered. “I’m not pissed, just annoyed that you don’t seem to care that we haven’t seen each other in almost a month.”

He took my hand and gave me a sincere look. “I hate it too. It’s just that these freakin publishers are ruthless. They’re on my ass about editing, branding, marketing, preliminary sales, everything. I barley have time to eat, sleep and shower. Plus, you know I got CJ, so life has been pretty hectic. But trust me I’ve been missing you too.”

I cover my face with my hands and let out a deep sigh.

“What’s wrong,” He asked, his tone serious, concern etched on his face.

Before I could respond, Jason arrived with our desserts.

I dug into three layers of chocolatey goodness right away. For a moment I completely forget what was upsetting me as my taste buds danced with the perfect mixture of dark and milk chocolate layers filled with a creamy mousse. After three bites, I looked up at him and he hadn’t touched his cobbler.

“Well? What was that sigh about?”

“Nothing,” I said quietly, “I don’t want to ruin dessert.”

He gave me a curious look and said, “Nah whatever it is, say it.”

I had really hoped to be able to get through dessert before we got into any heavy stuff and for a brief moment I wished for some liquid courage.

“It’s just that things have changed so much between us. You used to be the guy that was so different from every other guy I’d ever met, but you’ve become just like them. I feel like I’m settling.”

He remained quiet with an intense look on his face. He was pissed for sure. He finished the last of his wine then waved Jason over to order another glass. In the two minutes it took Jason to return with his wine, the silence between us was palpable. I wanted him to say something, but he was making me wait.

“You were the first person I went to when I got this book deal, before my own mother, I went to you first. You knew shit was about to get busy for me. You knew that. So, what now that I’m doing something for myself, you can’t hang anymore?”

“I just think we should cool off a bit, go back to being friends.”

“Wow, really?”

“I don’t want things to get so bad between us, that we can’t salvage our friendship. I wanna give you the space to do what you gotta do without feeling obligated to me and without me resenting you.”

“I think that friend shit is probably down the gutter too.”

He gets up and goes to the register, hands over his card, and waits for his payment to process. He returns with a to-go box, ready to transfer his dessert, and leave.

“Please don’t go yet?”

“You just broke up with me. Am I supposed to stay here and chit chat about our day now?”

“There’s something else.”

“Go tell the actor about it. He’d probably do a better job of acting like he gives a damn.”

“It’s important.”

He stopped packing his dessert and gave me a pissed-off, “What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Are you keeping it?” He asked way too quickly for my liking.

“Yes, I’m keeping it,” my tone annoyed and disgusted.

“You broke up with me while pregnant with my supposed baby and so now what? What’s the plan?”

“Eeww, it is absolutely your baby and we don’t need to be together to do what’s right for the kid. I’d rather raise this baby with my friend than a boyfriend I’m growing apart from. But don’t worry Carlos, you don’t have to do anything for us, just wanted you to know.”

“Are you serious right now? I just had a freakin baby two years ago. I’m not ready for a second one with yet another woman I’m not even with.” He put his face into his palms and let out a frustrated grunt.

I looked around and saw that nobody was looking at us and I was grateful for the isolation of our section.

“Nikki I’m not tryin to tell you what to do here, but just consider your situation. You live in a cramped two-bedroom basement apartment with your mother and sisters. There’s five of y’all in that apartment, ain’t no room for a baby.”

“I’ll just have to figure it out.”

“So now I’m the bad guy if I don't want the responsibility of a second kid. Last year I was too broke for this shit. I was looking forward to making some good money and now I’ll have to spend a nice chunk of it taking care of you and another kid. Between this writing career and two kids I’m sure that’ll leave me plenty of time to sleep and take a shit in peace.”

“I never wanted to jump to conclusions or accuse you of anything, but I really wasn’t expecting this reaction from you. This isn’t about two kids, this is about you not wanting Jen to find out.”

“Of course, I don’t want Jen to find out. She’ll drive me even more crazy if she does.”

“Nah, that’s not it. I kept my suspicions to myself and believed you when you said you had deadlines, but the truth is I started feeling like something was up with you and her for awhile now.”

Another frustrated grunt, “This shit again! I thought we moved past this. You of all people know what I went through with her. I’m just tryin to keep the peace for CJ’s sake. We are barley cordial roommates co-parenting. That’s it, no love.”

“Well do you mind if I confirm that? Lemme talk to her?”

“For what? We’re not even together right now, so what does it matter? You’re not about to cause extra drama in my life for a confirmation phone call.”

“If it’s not true then why not? It shouldn’t be a problem to get her on the phone to confirm y’all aren’t together.”

“No, I’m not calling her. She’ll use this shit to tell the courts I’m unstable or something.”

“I don’t believe you. You’re exaggerating and making excuses.”

He balled up his fists, pushed himself back in his chair, and grunted loudly. “I’m done with this conversation Nikki. I’m done. You wanted us to be over, we’re over. You want me to be there for my kid, I will. Text me your doctor’s appointment details so I can see for myself.” He snatched his to-go bag and walked out of the restaurant.

I looked at my dessert, barley touched. I decided I needed to take mine to go as well.

As I walked home, I scrolled through my contacts. I didn’t want to feel crazy, but I didn’t want to lose a friend either. After we had some time to cool off, I still believed Carlos and I could rekindle our friendship, start from scratch and maybe try again after some time. But if my suspicions were right then none of that even mattered. My gut was screaming at me, telling me I needed to know, but my heart wasn’t ready.

I took a deep breath and began writing the text. Hey Jen it’s Nikki, Carlos’ friend, I haven’t heard from him in a bit and just wanted to know if you guys were okay?

A moment later my phone dings. My heart fell to my feet as I look at the text.

Hey we’re all doing really great. I’m surprised to hear from you, I thought y’all weren’t friends anymore.

I let out a breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding. The truth was out, at least for me anyways.