Therapy

You are sitting in your therapist office wondering why you are here. You have been going for a year now and it has been a really slow process. You have had a few small breakthroughs. That is why you keep coming back every week. The truth is you have grown tired of not being able to open up and talk about their important stuff. The honest truth is that you don't think you can be helped. You are too damaged. If you would have started going at a young age you might could have been helped but now as an adult, you feel like it is too late to get real help.

You finally verbalize this to your therapist. They know little about your past. The reason they only know a little about your past is because one you had more immediate needs relating to everyday life that you have had small breakthroughs on. Two is that you do not talk about your past.

Your therapist asked why you don't think you deserve to get better? You do not answer them. You know why but are not willing to tell them yet. You know it will make you sound crazy and may end up with you in a mental hospital.

Your therapist pushes for another year for you to open up about it. You finally start to talk about your past a little. Your therapist wants more so they suggest guided hypnosis. You agree to it. You are afraid it would reveal who you really are. You are also a little excited because maybe it will help explain why you are the way you are.

At the next session you lay down on the couch and they guide you into the past. They start with your childhood. They start there because you have no memory of your childhood. They go through your childhood and find only good memories.

They then go to your preteen and teen years. This is where your therapist starts to learn a lot about you. They guide you through your depression years and the cutting phase Then they learn about the abuse from a friend. They stop after that for now. They bring you back and you have a lot to discuss.

The next few months you talk about the depression and abuse. After talking about it and learning techniques to deal with the depression and forgiving yourself and the person for the abuse and learning ways to deal with it. She asks you ready to go back under and continue the journey. You say you are ready.

They again guide you into the past this time they start in your early 20s. They learn about your struggle to figure out who you are and the abuse from a family member once you do figure out who you are. They then guide you into the secret you have been hiding and trying not to tell them. They learn that you have always had thoughts of hurting, raping, and killing women. They want to know if you have ever tried it. You respond no but you've had a plan and almost did it to someone. They go deeper and find out how you tried suicide because the feelings got so strong that you wanted to stop yourself from hurting someone. They bring you out of it and they say we have a lot to talk about.

They want to focus on the suicide first. You describe how you were feeling and what led up to it. You work through that over a couple of months.

Then you start on the feelings of you wanting to hurt someone. You ask at this point why they didn't commit you to a mental ward when you disclosed it. They say since you haven't actually hurt someone you did not need to be in one and they will try to help you with therapy, you say OK, but you don't totally agree that therapy will help this particular problem.

After six months of delving into this problem you do not feel any better. You begin to think this is just who you are. You think you were born like this and only your upbringing kept you from becoming bad. Your therapist tries to help for another six months with no improvement. You both decide that it might be time to go see a psychiatrist and get medicine. You agree with them. You set an appointment with a psychiatrist. You have to go a few weeks before you can see them.

You start to have the feeling you want to hurt people again. The reason is because unbeknownst to you is that when you were under hypnosis your former therapist implanted an idea and trigger words that will basically turn you into a very bad person. In your last session with them they activated the thoughts by saying the trigger word several times. They also made you say it several times. The urges started slowly and after a week they were almost unbearable.

You had to do something, and your good side was losing the battle and this time there was no thought of suicide. Your former therapist also took that thought away when you went under the second time. You still had a week before your appointment with your new Doctor. In that week you started stalking a couple of women. You developed a plan and when you finally see opportunity to do it your good side wins out at the last second.

You go to your first meeting with the psychiatrist. They put you on meds immediately. They make you feel better about everything else, but the thoughts are still there and strong. Your former therapist also made it where medicine would not help the thoughts You worked together to try and control the thoughts for six months with no luck.

They recommend brain simulations try and get rid of the thoughts. You aren't sure about it, but you agree. It takes two weeks to get an appointment. Two weeks was too long. In those two weeks you stalk five women and raped the first two and raped and killed the other three. When you are finally caught you have raped and killed 77 women and have no remorse for doing it.

Before the trial you are seen by a psychologist. They somehow figure out what the therapist did. You are found guilty but mentally insane.

The question is was it the therapist fault or because you had the thoughts to begin with would you have become a monster eventually anyway and the therapist just speed it along.