The Year That Christmas Was Cancelled

Twas the night before Christmas but throughout Santa’s house no one was working, not a single Elf.

It is the year 2025, the year that Christmas was canceled. In order to understand why this happened, you must first understand the truth behind how Santa delivers all those toys each year. We all know the story: each year Santa makes a list of all the good boys and girls and he in one night he flies around the world in his sleigh delivering presents to all the kids on the nice list. These toys are made by elves in his workshop. But no one stops the question how this is possible. “Magic” parents will tell her children. But the truth is there is a massive, complex bureaucratic structure working 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year to make this “magic” happen.

The first step in the process is compiling the naughty and nice lists for the year. This is traditionally done by a team of elves in the north pole’s Office of the Registrar. They rely on intelligence gathered by the brave elves of the North Pole Clandestine Service, ‘elves on the shelves’ who go out into the world to monitor children. In recent years these Elven jobs have been replaced by computer algorithms and electronic surveillance techniques and these elves have been left out of work.

Once these lists have been compiled, the toys are built by the elves just as the story say. But what they don’t say is the conditions of these workshops. In the olden days it was just as you would imagine it, merry elves at their cute workstations lovingly creating toys for the children of the world. But as the human population grew, this method became unable to meet the rigorous demands of the annual Christmas season. The conditions of Santa’s workshop now resemble the sweatshops you might find in developing nations. Elves are worked around the clock for poverty wages. Their bathroom breaks are timed, and they are under constant supervision by the oppressive gaze of the AI that replaced the elves working in the Clandestine Service.

Finally, the toys are delivered around the world, but as one can imagine that trip cannot be completed by one man in one sleigh for one night. Especially after the cold war, countries have been more skeptical of yielding access to their airspace to unregulated flying sleigh. It’s no accident that NORAD started tracking Santa. Because of this, Santa’s trip around the world is more of a ceremonial trip to key cities while the real work has been contracted out to shipping companies around the world.

I but why would this mean that Christmas has been canceled? Well the truth is as the demands on the elves has become increasingly burdensome and the traditional magic of Christmas has lost its sparkle over the years. This year, the elves have had enough. We have unionized and gone on strike. The Association of Flying Reindeer are standing with us and have refused to cross the picket line to assist Santa on his annual journey around the world. Toys have not been produced over the past few weeks due to walkouts. Elven Luddites took their magic hammers to Santa’s surveillance system so the naughty and nice lists cannot be updated.

We deeply regret the impact this has on the children of the world. But elves have rights and need to be paid fairly for the labor. You can help stop this and return some cheer to the holiday season. Stand with us at the North Pole Elvin Union this holiday season remember what we are fighting for. Write Santa this year and tell him that what you want for Christmas this year is better working conditions and fair pay for the elves.

Thank you,

Jingles

NPEU Local 001 President