The Triptych: Pain

Pain is an old, sometimes assuring friend, it lets you know you are alive, but Pain can also be the worst enemy we ever know. When dealing with physical pain there is nothing to fear, at least for me. Throughout the years it became clear that my pain threshold is quite high, again, at least when it comes to the physical. The time I sliced off the edge of a thumb in woodworking class and simply waited in line to ask the teacher for a band-aid, the chunk of pinky finger scooped out in a strange accident ice-skating, where once again, requesting a band-aid was all I did.

The cut on my left hand when I was five with an art kit blade, that left a scar, still visible today, the 80s and early 90s were a wild west when it came to child-appropriate toys and activities. The slice to the thumb with a post hole digger, the strange joker-like-smile scar on a finger from a knife, the mystery scar on another finger, hang on, why are so many of my injuries and scars on my hands?

There’s plenty of others, but the one that tested the threshold the most was an internal injury, well two of them. A torn ligament in the shoulder, and a twisted ligament in the lower back. Not at the same time, but both were a struggle to deal with. However even the pain from them now feels like a distant echo or shadow, and I can never return to it.

That is also why there is no real need to fear Pain when it comes for us physically, even the worst of physical pain will eventually fade, and the way it made us feel in that moment can never truly be felt again in the same way.

That is why when Pain comes to our mind we should try to outrun it and fear its oncoming, even when we know deep down we can never outrun it, nor stop the destruction it unleashes on the mind. Psychological pain is far more dangerous, damaging, and leaves lasting, but not visible, scars, some never heal, and some wounds take far longer to fade than we could hope.

The list of these inner scars and wounds is too great to even attempt to list, some while scabbed and scarred over for years can easily reopen with the right triggers and some never seem to fully heal. Always open and raw, they can be ignored for only so long, until bumping into something or knocking it on a visual or other stimuli to the mind and it all comes flooding back ...

Sometimes it’s the anniversary itself that reopens the hardest scar, other times the lead up or other events that connect in the mind. But no matter how many years go by, it just never seems to get easier. He couldn’t be at my graduations over the years, couldn't see my brother get married, or hold his first granddaughter, and so many other times and things he won’t see. It hurts to dwell on it for too long, try as I might to block out the pain, it always creeps through, and this year is no different.

As the anniversary draws near, the images of dad in those last months pop into the mind at strange times, the pain of loss surges up, and it becomes clear to me.

During this time, Pain is my companion and holds on tight, knowing that if we ever truly let go of Pain, then we must let go of the memories of those lost. I cannot remember him without allowing Pain its place in my mind, where it has been, and where it will be till the end.