The Spy Who Did the Heimlich

My name is Bruce, like Bruce Wayne and Batman. On my birthday, I moved to the group home. I turned 30. Dad said I was a man and real men have their own places. I live with two other guys. Dave is in a wheelchair and Bob uses an iPad to talk to people. They watch football with me. Go Penn State!

There is a bench in the front yard at my group home. Steve, my favorite staff person, lets us sit outside on it and wave to everyone. I saw a red Mustang drive by ..brummm, brumm.. and lots of girls in short dresses. Oh boy, one girl with blond hair waved back to me! I even saw Batman drive by on a 3-wheeler, just like the trike my Dad built for me when I lived with him. My Mom and Dad died. They put them in dead boxes and buried them in the ground. They are with Jesus now.

Hey, I shook hands with Jesus! I went to the Easter play with my friend Ruth. The church is really big. It looks exactly like a warehouse, and the band sings songs about Jesus..like at a rock concert. We saw Jesus on the Cross, and Jesus shook hands with me after the play. He's the LORD, you know!! Then Ruth got me a hamburger and ice cream. I saw a guy that looked exactly like Chuck Norris in the restaurant. He showed me his muscles and shook my hand. Another guy had hair like Donald Trump. I don't like Donald Trump. He's bad!

A new housemate moved into the group home. His name is Dan. He doesn't talk to staff and uses a wheelchair. He looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln in the movie, and like the Indian brave in the Mohican movie. He can't walk and gets put in a lift that goes onto the toilet and into the shower. His Mom gave him a little iPod that he puts in his ear to listen to music.

Dan likes to wear his iPod and sit outside with me. We watch the neighbors in the big house across the street. They have limos with black windows and a big gate. People there never wave to me. I like girls next door much better. I call them Jane Seymour and Teri Hatcher like the girls in James Bond movies. They have a big white dog that licks me. I am a girl watcher!

Ron is another staff person that works at my group home. He has a baby that cries a lot. Ron falls asleep in the chair. He does not help me when he's asleep.

One night Ron was snoring. I got out of bed and sneaked some Halloween candy from the staff room. I choked on some jujubes. Ron did not hear me. I couldn't say anything. I couldn't breathe! It was very scary!

Dan ran out of his room and did the Heimlich on me. He squeezed hard and the candy popped out of my mouth. "Are you okay, Bruce?" he said. I didn't know Dan could walk and speak!

"Ron is not safe staff, but I won't let anything happen to you while I'm here. I am a spy like James Bond, but you must swear yourself to secrecy and tell no one," Dan said as he put his finger to his lips and made a shushing sound. "I'm working undercover to catch some really bad guys, so don't blow my cover!"

I promised to tell no one. Dan did not walk or talk to staff in the morning. Staff put him in the lift and got him ready for his day program. I put on my Penn State shirt. A new staff person was shadowing. She had black skin and short hair. I named her Halle Berry and told her Dan was James Bond.

Opps!!! I tattled!!! Halle giggled and smiled.

Dan and I had to wear our warm coats when we sat outside. The neighbors raked the leaves. Jane Seymour and Teri Hatcher brought us hot cocoa on the bench. The guys blew the leaves with big machines across the street.

On Thanksgiving, Dan's Mom drove her green pick-up truck into the driveway. She put all of his things in the pick-up. Dan was moving away and not coming back. I was very sad. I missed my friend. He was a secret spy! (Ron also left and never came back. I did not miss him.)

Black Friday was very chilly. I begged Steve to let me sit outside on the bench. I had to wear my scarf, mittens, and knit hat. Three police cars and trucks drove up to the house across the street. Steve came out and sat with me. We watched men put up roadblocks. Steve said we had go inside the house, but we watched from the window in Dan's old room. (It sounded funny in there with no bed or dresser.) The cops put three bad guys in handcuffs into the police truck and drove away. Yellow tape and blockades were around the big house for a long time.

Christmas came! Steve told me the bad guys next door were mobsters, like in the Godfather movie. The cops put them in jail. We would be safe now. And I told everyone I saw that James Bond came to my group home! They all laughed and smiled.