The Ride

There must have been some kind of a lurch or a jolt or a bang, because Aaron was suddenly awake - hungry, wet, and reclining as best he could in the seat of a passenger train.

"There he is," cooed a shadowy woman standing over him. His vision was blurred - had he fallen asleep wearing contacts? He felt the woman wipe his brow with a soft cloth and sensed that she had been taking care of him for some time. Had he been asleep, or unconscious?

He started to form a question, but found his mouth entirely uncooperative. The gray woman let out a long shhhhhh and bustled over to a cabinet in the side of the train wall, where she set about assembling a plate of pasty, unappealing food. As his eyes adjusted, Aaron realized they were the only two people in the train car, which was set up like a kind of infirmary. His head felt like it had just been released from a vise. He struggled into an upright position and found the words, "What happened?"

"We're not really sure," replied the woman simply, setting the mealy concoction on a foldable tray in front of him. "Eat."

Starving, Aaron took a few tasteless bites before catching sight of his reflection in the window of the moving train. He felt no connection to the face staring back at him, a dark and nondescript male.

"Where am I? Who are you?" he asked the woman, who had been gazing at him gazing at himself. And then he realized he had a more important question - Who am I?

"Tut tut," said the gray woman patiently, and tried to dab at his brow again. Aaron dodged her outstretched hand and motioned to stand up as he judged the train's steady sway. "Look, I'm not sure what's going on here," he said, more forcefully this time.

As if on cue, a peaceful tone rang out from a speaker in the ceiling of the train car. An even more peaceful voice followed, but much more faintly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Conductor," the voice said. Aaron strained to hear. "If you're just joining us, welcome aboard. We're currently right where we want to be and heading into some truly beautiful countryside. We'll be colliding in exactly one hour, so please, enjoy the ride."

"I think he meant arriving," Aaron said, chuckling in spite of himself.

"Oh, no," said the woman, "The Conductor is never wrong. We'll be colliding for certain." Aaron had gone from disoriented to perplexed. "It's inevitable, I'm afraid," said the woman, "but I'll be long gone by then." Aaron blinked as she seemed to grow even more gray and frail before his eyes. "Why don't you sit back down and rest here with me, where you'll be safe?"

"Look, you've been very kind," said Aaron anxiously, "but I'm fine now and I really need to be getting back to...my seat." As he said it, he wondered if he was traveling alone. Perhaps someone in one of the other cars knew him, or could at least tell him why he was on this train. He glanced at the door at the front of the car and patted his pockets, looking for a ticket that wasn't there.

"Well, I suppose I've done all I can," the gray woman said, and seemed to well up with emotion. She set her hands gently on the sides of his arms, sighed, and looked directly into his eyes. "You can make any choice you want," she whispered tearfully and earnestly, "as long as you can live with the consequences."

"Rrright." Tense and uneasy, Aaron wriggled free as politely as he could and headed for the door to the next car. As he grasped the handle, he wondered if he should tip the old woman, or at least give her a heartfelt thanks. He turned to speak, but she must have vanished behind one of the cabinets. The carriage was empty.

Aaron moved quickly into the next car as the train seemed to accelerate. Several men were arguing loudly down in front as others lined up behind them. Women and elderly couples sat anxiously in the overcrowded rows, dividing their attention between the escalating dispute and the agitated, crying children around them.

"I've just spoken with the Conductor," one of the men in the front was saying at the top of his lungs, unconvincingly. "Everything is under control, we just need to sit back and relax." Some of the people in the car nodded, looking anything but relaxed.

"We all heard him plain as day," said another argumentatively. "He said we're going to be colliding at our destination. Colliding," he emphasized. "He's trying to tell us this train has been hijacked, and they're going to crash it in the middle of the city!"

"That's right!" Another voice called out. No one seemed to have any evidence for their competing gospels.

The first man shook his head in exasperation. "Everybody here must sit and do as they are told," he shouted. "That's what the Conductor said. That's what we will do!" An infant wailed in protest. Aaron looked over and saw an old man praying quietly as a bead of sweat carved a path down his forehead.

"Forget that," said another man worried about the collision, and several voices muttered in agreement. "We need to talk to the Conductor ourselves and figure out how to stop this. You're just trying to stop us from leaving this car and talking to him directly. How do we know you're not one of the hijackers?" Several voices began angrily shouting at this accusation as the scene became increasingly hostile.

Aaron stepped forward to try and move through the car, but something outside the window caught his eye. The train was moving through a pristine natural landscape, one that seemed to morph slowly from mountains to desert to rainforest in a way that couldn't possibly be contiguous. Aaron watched as horses galloped alongside the train through a grassy meadow that turned into a snowy tundra, which melted into a river that slowly sank to reveal intricately carved stone pillars.

How can we possibly be less than an hour from a city? he marvelled.

A woman's scream. Bodies thrashing. Someone at the front of the car had thrown a punch, and the men were a mass of ugly, righteous faces and stiff limbs. Aaron saw a path to the door at the front of the car and pushed through the mob, narrowly avoiding an elbow to the temple. As he extricated himself from the teeming throng and closed the door behind him, he could just barely make out the glint of a knife being brandished and raised above the crowd.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The train heaved forward in acceleration, and Aaron stumbled awkwardly to his hands and knees just inside the next carriage. They were now careening along the track at a clip that felt reckless and determined at the same time.

The first thing he saw was a glittering platform shoe. Aaron raised his head to follow its owner's long, stockinged leg to the hips of a young waitress in a sequined bodysuit. She passed without offering to help him up, and set a tray of drinks down at a table where a group of well-dressed and overweight men were smoking cigars and playing what looked like a miserable game of cards.

The train car was set up like a casino, but was now traveling so fast that no one seemed to be taking pleasure in their winnings. Dozens of people stared stone-faced and nauseous into screens that flickered with sparkly animations and blinking messages.

A man with bloodshot eyes peeked out from his seat and bobbed his head back and forth, then sneered at Aaron, "Wanna get high?"

Suddenly the ceiling speakers pulsed out the calming tone, but no one in the car seemed to be paying attention. Then the Conductor's voice, even fainter than before.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. There's something for everyone here on this express journey, where dreams and destiny merge. We'll all be deceased in just about 40 minutes, so please, enjoy the ride."

What the fuck? thought Aaron. He ignored the junkie's outstretched hands, and stepped forward past the rows of vacant passengers, looking for an empty seat that might have been his, or a face that looked more familiar than his reflection. The car was twice as long as the first two had been, and gradually the screens and slots gave way to tables where people appeared to be creating their own games. Still further into the car, passengers played guitar, practiced yoga, or appeared to meditate.

"Excuse me, do I know you?" A woman with a kind, soft face had tapped him gently on the shoulder. Though she wasn't beautiful, Aaron felt instantly attracted to her. Her skin was perfectly clear and radiant, and her mouth rested in an almost bemused smile that Aaron could have looked at all day.

"I hope so," he replied. "I just woke up in the infirmary with a terrible headache and not the faintest recollection of who I am or how I got here."

"I feel like we're connected," the woman said, "but I can't remember either. I think nearly everyone on this train is suffering from some sort of amnesia. Do you remember your name?"

"It's Aaron," he said reflexively, before he had time to think. It was as if he had named himself by speaking.

"And I'm Beth," she said, "but I don't know anything else about myself. Except that I know you." The two paused, looking into one another's eyes. Even if she couldn't give him answers about his identity, Aaron felt a comfort between them. "And I think we need to figure out what's going on on this train."

"Some people in the last car were saying it's been hijacked," Aaron said, "But I don't see any hijackers. And the Conductor keeps giving these weird messages."

"Have you looked out the window?" Beth asked, still half-smiling. Something about her made Aaron feel like their bizarre situation was an adventure instead of a trap. As he had moved past the windows, the outside world had flashed past in a blur. But as he turned his head to look directly outside, his jaw slowly dropped.

The train still felt as if it was speeding along a track, but the sky and the ground were an indistinguishable black. The moon was larger than Aaron had ever seen, and was quickly growing bigger. Soon he felt he would be able to reach out and touch it.

He looked back at Beth, grinning. "Do you see that?" he asked. He turned his attention back outside only to see stars, planets, then whole galaxies appear to pass by. The glass of the train window seemed to disintegrate, and Aaron felt at one with the universe, careening through it, exploring its depths, and coming to know its mysteries.

"I don't think we're seeing the same thing," Beth said, pulling his consciousness back inside the train. "When I look outside, I get these visions... of...molecules, I think." Aaron stared at her. If it was anyone else, he would think they were crazy. But she was so endearingly amused by it all. Was he crazy?

"Am I dreaming?" he asked.

"If I said this was real, how could you trust me?" Beth laughed. "We're just here, and we need to figure out why."

Just then there was a loud commotion in the back of the car. The warring factions had congealed into an angry mob, and Aaron saw some of the men from the first car, now covered in blood, running towards them.

"Quick," said Aaron, taking Beth by the arm, "Let's get to the front of the train and find the Conductor before they do. He must have some answers for us." The two lunged for the door at the front of the car, hand in hand.

The train was now hurtling along the track at a speed that couldn't have been safe. But the next train car was quiet, empty, and - despite the velocity - somehow felt calm. Aaron moved along the corridor, inspecting the seats one by one, still holding Beth's hand, until he came to row C.

And there he saw the children.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A bright-eyed boy of about six was softly flipping the pages of a comic book. Next to him, a girl who couldn't have been more than three craned her neck to see the pictures. They both looked up to meet Aaron and Beth's gaze, displaying the most beautiful faces Aaron had ever seen. Aaron thought he recognized the gray woman's features in the girl's face, but then the resemblance vanished. The boy smiled, and Aaron saw Beth.

"They look like you," Beth whispered. She crouched down to speak to them.

"Hey guys. Are you lost?"

"No," the boy replied. "We're right here." Beth smiled and made the briefest of eye contact with Aaron. "Well that's great. We're here too," she said, sitting gingerly in the empty seat next to them.

"Look, it's me," said the little girl proudly, pointing out the window. Aaron followed her outstretched finger to a space beyond the train car, and once again his sense of time and place began to evaporate.

He saw scenes that felt like memories out of order. Flashes, moments, big and small. The smell of cotton. The back of the little girl's head, toddling down a hallway. Beth with her shoulder hunching a phone to her ear and the little boy on her hip. Aaron tossing the little boy onto a mattress and tickling him as he writhed with glee. A doctor handing him a newborn baby. Walking down the street together, singing "Merrily we Roll Along." Beth lifting a white veil from her glistening eyes.

"I see us," Beth said, and Aaron realized she had never let go of his hand. Were these his memories? Was Beth his wife, and these their children? Aaron longed for clarity but felt an undeniable bond to the three of them. He recognized them in his body, even as his mind struggled to fully make the connections.

"Ladies and gentlemen, hello once again from your Conductor," said the Conductor's voice over the loudspeaker. It was clearer in this car, and it felt like it was coming from somewhere close by. "We have just about 10 minutes left together, and many of you have already found your purpose." Aaron and Beth looked at one another. Purpose?

"Just remember, you are loved no matter what, and please - enjoy the ride," the Conductor concluded mysteriously. Aaron began to panic.

"If this train really is going to crash, we're running out of time to stop it," he said to Beth. "Let's keep moving; I think the Conductor must be in the next car." As he stepped toward the door he felt Beth's hand pull him back.

"If this is a dream, maybe we can decide what happens next," Beth said. Her smile was gone, and she seemed to be pleading with him. Stay, her eyes said.

"But what if it's not? What if we're careening toward certain doom? I can't just do nothing," Aaron said. "I can't just sit here and look out the window with you." Beth dropped his hand and put her arms around the children. They were scared now, and clung to her.

Aaron moved forward, opened the door, and looked at the wide gulf separating the cars. There was no way he could safely bring the children over the threshold.

"Stay here," he said, "I'll find the Conductor and stop the train. I'll come back for you." The little girl began to cry. A tear welled in Beth's eye too. "I promise."

Aaron opened the door again and stepped out onto the threshold. He took one look back at his little family. He saw Beth mouth the words, "I love you." And then he saw the back door open. And the bloody mob rush in.

Before he could re-enter the car, the door slammed shut. "No!" Aaron screamed, trying in vain to pry the thick metal door back open, his words swallowed by the empty air rushing past him. He banged on the door, then scratched at it until his fingers bled. Sobbing, cursing, he tried the door to the next car and fell inside, weeping.

Beth wouldn't be able to fend off the mob for long, he thought. He had to keep his promise: find the Conductor, stop the train. But the train was now moving so fast there seemed to be no friction or resistance at all. The car he had entered was not a passenger car, it appeared to be a mechanical room of some kind. And the blur outside the windows just looked like cables of light.

Aaron began furiously inspecting the machinery, but his mind was racing. Images of the children's faces kept flashing before his eyes. He felt Beth's absence ache in his body, like a slow-motion punch to the stomach. Then he heard her words, maybe we can decide what happens next.

He looked up and moved towards the window. As he focused his eyes outside the car, the fibers of light became galaxies again. Hurtling through the universe, Aaron watched as the galaxies began to arrange themselves in patterns. Suddenly he could see an equation.

That's it, he thought, and his mind snapped back into the train car. His eyes focused on a switch he hadn't noticed before. But before he could reach for it, the door to the car swung open. Aaron braced himself for the blood-soaked horde, then let himself hope it might be Beth. But what came through the door wasn't human at all.

It slinked like a tentacle, a purple so dark it was almost black. It glistened and spread, slimy, burgeoning, dense. It pulsed as it grew, and Aaron knew it was Death.

"Aaron," came the Conductor's voice, as clear as a bell. "It's time."

Aaron backed away from the throbbing growth and toward the other door of the car. It began to grow faster, and Aaron felt it consume his body as he opened the door to a wall of bright white light.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"There he is," said the Conductor. Aaron squinted at the intensity of the light, but found that he had no arms or hands to raise to shield his eyes.

"Did you enjoy the ride?" The Conductor asked affectionately, as if Aaron were a child who had just been on a carousel. Aaron had so many questions, but felt somehow at peace. He had the sensation of being bathed in warmth and acceptance.

"What happened?" he asked first. "Where am I? Who are you?"

"Well, I suppose I'm you, in a sense," the Conductor said. He had no form that Aaron could discern, but several figures began to take shape in the light behind him.

"The truth is, you've chosen one of the most painful and consequential human lives in all existence," the Conductor said. Although Aaron could not see him, the Conductor seemed to be leading him toward the other figures. "We ran this simulation to help you understand your choices and prepare for your human life. These were just shadows compared to the depth of experience you'll have on Earth."

"I don't understand," said Aaron, "I didn't choose anything. I couldn't decide what happened next," he said as the shadowy figures came into focus. He saw the gray woman first, then Beth, with her lovely half-smile. She held the hands of the children, who stretched out their arms to him.

"In this life, you'll be loved but regret not appreciating your mother. You'll be a brilliant physicist, meet your soulmate and have two beautiful children. But you'll tragically lose them, far too young, to the ugliness of the world, and the pain will be almost unbearable." The Conductor stopped, and Aaron continued to look in Beth's bright eyes. She had understood everything.

"Why? What is the point of it all?" Aaron asked. "Why do I need to lose my family?"

"There is beauty in all things," the Conductor explained calmly. "After your family dies, you go on to make an important discovery that prolongs our ability to experience consciousness on Earth for millennia. Without that particular anguish, you would never reach that conclusion."

"But I didn't understand," Aaron said, "I thought I could save them." He looked at the children, still reaching toward him, patiently, lovingly.

"Yes," said the Conductor, without elaborating. "We can run the simulation again, if you like." Aaron wondered how many times he had experienced the train ride.

"If I choose this life, I'll be with Beth again," Aaron said, looking for confirmation. Beth's half-smile became a wide grin. "Will I remember this? Will I be able to do things differently? Appreciate my mother? Save my family?"

"I'm afraid that's not how it works, my child," the Conductor said, leading him past the ghosts of his future life and towards a set of doors that stood side by side. One door looked like the ones he had seen in the train cars. The other was made of light. He took one last look at Beth and the children and knew he had made his choice.

"How will I know how to conduct my life?" Aaron asked the Conductor as he reached for the door made of light. "What guidance can you give me?"

The Conductor laughed. "I only ever gave you one instruction," he said, ushering Aaron through the door with a loving, gentle touch.

"Enjoy the ride."