The Real

Xavier rubbed his eyes vigorously, his tears carving small rivers down his flushed cheeks. His stomach lurched violently, and he quickly grabbed for a nearby trash bin. His body shuttered and strained as it forced him to empty the contents of his stomach until there was nothing left to expel. His entire body throbbed with pain.

Xavier slumped back into the enveloping arms of his VR rig, every curve and cushion designed specifically for his body, for him. He felt safe here. Protected. He belonged. This was his world.

God, he was thirsty.

Wearily, Xavier turned to the hydration module of his rig and strained to read the screen. His vision skittered and blurred like a bad acid trip, so he rubbed at his eyes again and squinted fiercely at the neon letters.

He let out a groan in frustration. The hydration module had run dry 18 hours earlier. No wonder he felt like total shit.

Coming out of immersive VR never got any easier. The longer you were under, the harder it was to come out, both physically and mentally. Players were supposed to surface at least once every 48-hours to flush and reload the bio systems that managed and monitored the body's physical needs while they were under, but like many of his Underverse "friends", he had managed to buy some black market mods that enabled him to stay under for 5 days at a time.

It was dangerous as hell, but like many players, Xavier no longer felt he belonged in the world of flesh and bone, shit and piss, vomit and sweat. After all, there was no place for him here. Resurfacing in a world wrecked by climate change and pollution, plagued with pandemics and unemployment, crime and despair, was like waking up from the sweetest dream to a punch in the teeth.

Xavier would rather take a few risks than stay a minute longer in reality than he needed to. Especially if it meant being with Eva longer....

His heart lurched in his chest at the thought of Eva. Something went wrong...something terrible had happened... but his mind skittered and veered all over the place, unable to latch onto the appropriate memory.

As the typical resurfacing haze slowly began to fade away like a thick fog, his eyes refocused on the main computer screen.

"Confirm overwrite. Reset password". The words pulsed patiently.

Xavier's stomach plunged with a feeling of dread. Why did I start the overwrite sequence?

The only time a player would ever reset their password was when they wanted to overwrite a current reality and start over, from scratch. Unlike most players, Xavier only had one reality in the Underverse, and it was the one with Eva in it. It was his whole life.

But why had he started the overwrite sequence to begin with? He wracked his brain but couldn’t remember doing so. Thank God he hadn’t confirmed it.

It made no sense. Why would he ever give up the life he had spent the last 5 years carefully crafting, piece-by-piece, moment by moment? He was like an architect, scrupulously creating and building his own perfect reality. Why would he ever start over? Unless something really bad had happened… had it?

An image suddenly flashed through Xavier's field of vision like a stab of electricity. They were called "after images", a common side-effect from being under too long. Pain radiated through his skull from ear-to-ear as the memory played out before his eyes, as if in real time.

Xavier gritted his teeth and waited for the after image to play itself out.

It was Eva, dressed in the worn, oversized t-shirt she always wore to bed, standing at the kitchen sink, washing the breakfast dishes. She was laughing and singing out of key to that god awful pop song she loved so much...the one that Xavier always made fun of. The sun had been shining brilliantly through the kitchen window that morning, dancing off of every surface. Eva had said it looked as if the sun had set everything in the room on fire. She had turned to him then, her soft brown eyes crinkling in the corners mischievously as she threw a handful of soap suds in his direction.

The after image faded quickly, like all memories of pain do, but the haziness still remained. His memories were like a jumbled soup of partial images he couldn't make sense of.

The words on his main screen still waited patiently for his response, "Confirm overwrite. Reset password."

Why can't I remember? Xavier growled in frustration, pounding at the sides of his head as if to force the memories out, one-by-one.

There had to be a reason that he started the overwrite sequence the minute he resurfaced, but he couldn't imagine what it could have been? He would never abandon Eva, or the life they created together. God, she was his life. What else was there?

Another after image surfaced, soft and hesitant, like a whisper. Xavier held his breath, willing it to unfold and bring clarity. The memory unraveled gently this time, like water lapping at the shoreline.

It was Eva again, sleeping, snuggled up next to him in bed. Her cool forehead pressed closely to his, her warm breath tickling his skin. He could smell the lavender of her favorite shampoo.

"Tell me again," she had said sleepily, her eyes still closed, her mouth curled in a contented smile. Her long, dark lashes fluttered like black butterflies against her pale, smooth skin.

"Tell you what?" Xavier had yawned.

"Tell me what our future will look like..." she had murmured drowsily and burrowed even deeper into the crook of his arm. Her long, jet-black hair was draped across his bare chest like a blanket.

Xavier had chuckled quietly before acquiescing, "Well, one day soon, I'm going to buy you a diamond ring, one that reflects all the colors of the rainbow all at once, and I'm going to ask you to marry me. You will say "yes", of course, and we will invite all of our friends and families to our wedding. Afterward, we will travel the world for a while, and see everything we want to see, oceans, and mountains, and deserts, all of it! Then, when we get tired of traveling, we will find someplace we want to make our home. And we will lay in bed like this every night and talk of our future together...just like we are now..."

The memory faded abruptly again, leaving Xavier feeling empty and untethered, like a ghost.

Disoriented, Xavier clumsily removed his IVs and monitors and scrambled out from his rig. The ground swayed beneath his feet precariously and he steadied himself by clinging to his bedpost. His VR suite was stiff with dried sweat and crunched with every movement.

Xavier managed to stumble to his bedside table, where a half-empty bottle of water sat, collecting dust. He grabbed the bottle and chugged the water greedily until it was gone. His stomach lurched again, threating to reject the water, but he slowed his breathing and forced his body to accept the hydration without complaint.

The water provided some relief, but the confusion still weighed heavily on him, like a relentless fog. He glanced back at the computer screen, still waiting for his confirmation, "Confirm Overwrite. Reset Password."

Xavier closed his eyes and forced slow, deep breaths, in-and-out of his lungs, lowering his heart rate, determined to bring forth the memory that was evading him.

Finally, another after image bubbled to the surface, but this one was skittering and shuttering, like a TV with poor reception.

No Eva this time.

It was just him.

Xavier turned the key to their apartment door and walked into the dark, silent kitchen. All the lights were off, the apartment shrouded in deep shadows. Beyond the apartment windows, the night was ink black, interrupted by thousands of city lights, like an upside-down sea of stars.

Xavier tensed with concern. Eva should be home by now.

"Eva? You home?" he called out.

No response.

Dropping his laptop bag and phone on the countertop, he hurriedly made his way down the long hallway to their bedroom.

The bedroom was pitch black like the rest of the apartment and just as empty. A computer tablet lay in the middle of the bed, casting a luminous, eerie glow across the room, pulsing in standby mode.

Xavier glanced around the room, confused.

"Eva?" he called out again, the tension in his voice evident. His voice rang hollow through the apartment. The silence that followed weighed heavy.

Hesitantly, Xavier approached the waiting tablet, the light from the screen pulsing like a heartbeat, beckoning him.

He reached out a trembling finger and tapped the waiting screen.

The computer flicked to life and the image of a young woman came into focus on the screen. Xavier frowned with confusion.

The young woman had a round face, and large, dark brown eyes ringed by dark, purple bags. Her skin was pale and sallow, and she had wavy auburn hair to her shoulders. She was wearing a plain, worn t-shirt and something about the t-shirt niggled at his memory, like an itch he couldn't scratch.

The young woman was plain looking, someone you probably wouldn't notice in a crowd, but her face was kind, and maybe even a little sad.

Intrigued, Xavier tapped "play" on the screen.

"Hi Xavier," the young woman said.

Xavier instantly recoiled from the screen. It was Eva's voice, but that was not Eva. What was going on? Stunned and confused, Xavier stared at the screen intensely.

The video continued.

"It's me, Eva. Eva in The Real."

Xavier gasped out loud and stumbled back a few steps. "The Real" was what players called the "real world", but in the Underverse, there was an unwritten rule that while in the Underverse, players were never to speak about their life in The Real, or bring any aspect of The Real into the Underverse. The two worlds were not to coexist under any circumstance. Like oil and water they were to remain separate realities, with firm boundaries dictating where one ended and the other began. Breaking this rule was considered the ultimate violation in the Underverse. Afterall, players came to the Underverse to escape The Real. What was Eva doing?? Why would she do this?

Xavier was paralyzed with shock and dismay.

"I'm sorry to do this like this, Xavier, but I couldn't think of any other way. You see, I tried to talk to you about this once or twice before, but I could never find the right words, or the right time, so here I am..."

Xavier stumbled to the bed and sat down shakily, pulling the computer into his lap, the dark room enveloping him like a cave. His eyes trained on the image on the screen. Hearing the familiar voice of Eva coming from this stranger's mouth was alarming and disorienting, but he couldn't help but feel drawn to her just the same.

"I know we aren't supposed to talk about The Real, but at this point I have to. You see, I'm sick, Xavier, really sick," the young woman paused and took a shaky breath, "The doctors have tried everything, and I've lasted much longer than anyone thought I would, but I don't have much time left."

Xavier's stomach dropped, his mind racing with disbelief and confusion. He wanted to stop the video and demand that Eva come home to discuss this in person, but somehow, he knew that would not happen. Reluctantly, he let the video play on.

Eva's eyes were glistening with tears, but she offered the screen a brave smile, "I'm sorry that we won't be able to have the future we always talked about. You painted such a beautiful picture, and God, I wanted that future more than I've ever wanted anything. But you see, Xavier, when I found out that I am not getting better, and that I am dying, I knew I couldn't hide in the Underverse anymore. I knew I couldn't pretend my sickness wasn't real anymore. It made me realize, I've been hiding and pretending for so much of my life, I don't know what life really is anymore. So, I'm going to spend whatever time I have left figuring that out, because I want my life to mean something, beyond hiding and pretending."

A hot tear slid down Xavier's cheek and plopped on the computer screen, distorting Eva's face. Eva took another deep breath, as if steadying herself, and continued.

"I won't be back, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I do care about you and I think you know that.”

Eva paused and smiled thoughtfully, her eyes taking on a distant cast, “More than anything, I wish I could have met you in The Real, because somehow, I think we would have helped each other be a little bit braver."

Eva smiled sadly at that thought, and then offered the screen a lop-sided grin, "Wish me luck, Xavier. Goodbye."

The after image faded slowly and painfully. Xavier sat stunned at the end of his bed, his head clutched between his trembling hands as if trying to contain his frantic thoughts.

All this time together, all the plans they made, and he had had no idea who Eva really was, or what she was going through. The life they had built together over the years suddenly felt ridiculously fragile, like a vapor or mist that could just be carried away with the wind.

Eva was dying.

Eva was gone.

Eva was not coming back.

So that was why he had started to overwrite his reality. He had intended to start over, to rebuild his life in the Underverse….to make something new, again.

Suddenly, Xavier felt deathly tired, but whether his exhaustion was from being under for too long, or from sorrow, or from simply running from reality for so long, he couldn’t tell. All he felt was bone-numbing exhaustion.

He choked on a sob. His entire life had been Eva. His entire future had been Eva. What now? Start over in the Underverse? Build a new life there without Eva?

Eva had returned to The Real to face reality, even though that also meant facing her death. That was a bravery Xavier had never known before, and he found himself admiring the stranger on the screen with the lop-sided grin.

Xavier took a steadying breath and turned to look out the small bedroom window. Evening was now falling and the sky was painted a brilliant burnt orange, streaked with wisps of red and hints of blush. The first stars of the night flickered high above the horizon against the inky backdrop.

Despite how real the Underverse seemed when he was in it, Xavier could always tell the difference between a real and a fake sunset. It was in the colors. In the Underverse, the colors were just an iteration of what humans thought they should be. Predictable, expected, unimaginative.

In The Real, the colors of the sunsets were irreverent, exuberant, and defiant of all algorithms and expectation. A violent clash of light against the rising dark.

The city was quiet below as many were tucking into the Underverse and other VR worlds, escaping The Real, escaping reality. Normally, Xavier would be right there with them, eagerly flushing and reloading his VR rig for another 5 day sprint.

Instead, Xavier unzipped his VR suit and peeled it off of his sticky skin, leaving it in a pile on the floor. The air felt cool and soothing against his bare skin.

Suddenly, his computer chirped at him, as if irritated. Demanding a response.

Xavier slid behind the console, the screen still waiting for his response, "Confirm overwrite. Reset Password."

Xavier stared at the screen for what seemed like hours. Finally, he lifted his hands to the familiar keys.

"Cancel Request."

"Request Cancelled," the screen confirmed with a chirp.

Xavier let out a heavy sigh and typed a new entry: “New request: Delete Underverse account."

“Confirm deletion of Underverse account. Warning, this action cannot be undone!"

"Confirm."

"Underverse Account Deleted."

Xavier nodded to himself with a small smile. He finally felt a brave, and the Real was waiting for him.