The Purpose of Life Is to Be Happy

"The purpose of our lives is to be happy."-Dalai Lama

For millennia, people have ascribed to the above theory. The one true purpose of life is to pursue happiness above all. It's so entwined in our societal fabric that it might as well replace the human condition.

But the Dalai Lama had it completely wrong.

We were never programmed to be happy in the first place.

It was just a distraction to keep us mollified. The reality was far worse. The Others needed to find a way to conduct their experiment without it inevitably self-destructing.

Their first few million Iterations always ended up in the same fashion. They planted their seeds, hit the fast-forward button, and waited for what feels to us like millions of years.

Every time some new Scientist - or at least that's what we would call them - started the next Iteration, it failed for a new reason.

Time after time, the Others regrouped, reassessed, and let one specific Scientist choose their idea as the main focus of the next trial run. The winning Scientist of every Iteration inevitably became the cause célèbre for the next time period.

And, of course, everyone wanted to be the Scientist, but only one could ever occupy the spot each time. The chances of winning that spot were infinitesimal at best.

The Others felt it was incredibly satisfying to watch us deal with the same universal ironies as they did - that we all want what we can't have.

But I digress.

Iteration #576,329 involved a world where gravity didn't exist as it does here. In this Iteration, people were short, stalky, lazy little creatures who couldn't be bothered to build a society around them. The gravity setting was simply too high. They were also a bit too fond of magic mushrooms, which were simply easier to reach for with this series of humans.

In Iteration #3,427,239, they changed the color settings of the world. The winning Scientist was convinced having a slightly darker hue in the atmosphere would encourage the evolutionary growth of large, bulbous eyeballs. He reasoned that granting greater sight to us would allow us to eventually see reality for what it was. He was wrong, of course. It just led to a chronic shortage of eyeliner until the world collapsed in upon itself after the resources ran out.

Iteration #1 was simple enough. It consisted of a human named Greg who invented the first block of cheese. He later died of listeria since he failed to invent antibiotics in time.

By Iteration #10,000,000, the Others were finally starting to get the hang of things. At this point, they had expanded the number of experiment parameters to at least one untrigintillion. A number so high it would take the corresponding Iteration's humans nearly one billion lifetimes just to count out loud.

The ten millionth Iteration was the longest-lasting trial so far. It was here where the Scientist du jour had the idea of planting an Easter Egg of sorts.

One that humans would eventually stumble upon during the stand-up post-ape years.

"The purpose of our lives is to be happy."

It was a simple message embedded in a simple heart-shaped locket. But despite what Iteration #10,000,000 human scientists believed, it wasn't just 2,500 years old. That's just what the "carbon dating" told them.

In reality - their reality - the locket literally pre-dated time itself. Or at least their understanding of it. Carbon simply didn't exist to the Others. It was just another parameter for the human experiment.

But the 10 millionth Iteration sparked hope for the Others. Ironically, it was the act of giving hope to humans that did it. Every former Iteration self-destructed, eventually. Time after time, the cells would split, they'd eat other cells, leave the ocean, climb the trees, cut down the trees, and expand until they grew too far. And then collapse.

This occurrence was so common the Others even had a name for it - shbloobadagging. It was a buzzword for a very long time and made you appear smarter if you said it out loud. Especially in the Others' business meetings, where nothing meaningful was ever accomplished.

When the first philosopher stumbled over a rock (which later turned out to be a human skull he named Madonna), the overwhelming urge to dig beneath it overcame him.

This was of course a preprogrammed reaction built into the skull itself. Since the dawn of time, anyone who found themselves in the proximity of Madonna felt the immediate urge to dig out their ears. But the philosopher of "British" origin, to his credit, was smart enough to immediately scrawl "Dig 'ere" in the dirt - and dug there instead.

The shiny golden, heart-shaped locket was only 5 pentaclichters beneath the dirt. The Philosopher smiled. 

"Oooh, shiny treasure" his thoughts streamed to the Others on their version of computer monitors, which were called Big Macs in their universe, for some reason.

He grasped the timeless trinket. Turned the locking mechanism, and pried it open. The left side of the locket had a simple phrase inscribed upon it.

"The purpose of our lives is to be happy."

The right side of the locket was blank. Just a shiny piece of tarnished metal. A simple golden piece that went on to help inspire billions in this Iteration. 

The greatest secret of Iteration #10,000,000 was that any Philosopher who wished to become timeless must first touch timelessness in its physical form. 

And so the locket was passed down generation after generation. From "Socrates" to "Plato" to "Britney Spears" - every 20th-year-iteration of humanity had their own Philospher.

The Others would argue over whether the choices for mankind's inspiration were correct or not every time. But until the one true Philosopher came - they always found themselves laughing. 

Not because of the enduring quotes they loved seeing passed down generation after generation, like:

"One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing."

or

"Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance."

or 

"Hit me baby, one more time."

No, none of these classic scriptures were the reason for their laughter. When each Philosopher laid their hands upon the heart-shaped golden locket, they all missed the point.

The locket was timeless, and as with all antiques, it needed a good cleaning. Only one Philosopher ever thought to use a healthy spritz of Mr. Clean on the right-hand side of the locket.

If the earlier Philosophers had done so, perhaps the experiment would've ended much quicker.

For if they had actually bothered cleaning the other side of the locket, they would have realized the true nature of the timeless message.

It wasn't for us to pursue happiness. It just wasn't in our programming. The real message was far simpler and yet far more impactful.

"The purpose of life is to be happy." 

"(Other optional names are Joe, Samantha, or Keanu. But definitely not Greg.)"

And so the last great Philosopher of Iteration #10,000,000 legally changed his name to Happy. And the Others shut off the lights, immediately looking for the best idea to start the next Iteration. 

Because this one sucked.