The Promise Sacrificed

As I pass a light green neon sign, the ghost of memories past comes rushing in. Saddam’s forces were raging across Kuwait and the tradition of following in my grandfather’s and uncle’s footsteps was weighing heavily on me. It’s been thirty years since that day, I think. My thoughts drift towards Shane and the promise I made. It still haunts me and pulls at my soul.

It was two weeks after Shane’s surgery, when I stopped to visit my friend and found him lying there defeated and broken. After the initial hello and small talk, our conversation drifted to the future.

“What can I do? I don’t have a leg. How am I supposed to live?” Tears welled in Shane's eyes.

I sat down next to him. “You’ll walk, run, and swim again. Hell, maybe even get you roller skating. I’ll be there. I promise. Let’s just concentrate on getting better though. I brought something.” I reached into my bag and pulled out a stack of comics. “You missed a few weeks,” I stated and handed them over.

At sixteen years old, my home life was a chaotic mess. My Dad had walked out the door, my mom was in mental despair and dying, and I was left to care for a fourteen-year-old sister. I was working till two and going to school at seven most of the weekdays. To say those times were rough would be an understatement but I managed.

Shane’s house was an oasis in a swamp of turmoil. I found myself staying there more than half of the time when I was off. During one of those times, the veneer mask of carefree happiness broke apart and the truth settled in. Both Shane and his brother held me as I cried. Years later, a psychiatrist would comment that it was a miracle that I wasn’t a drug user and a criminal. The truth is Shane’s family saved me. I owed them everything.

We had so many good times back then. Sure, there was Shane's chemotherapy treatments, the sickness that went with it, and my own family issues but it didn’t keep us down. Quite the opposite, because death had reared its ugly head so soon we became determined to never hold back or have regrets. We were teenagers and immortal. Fear lost its meaning.

While going surfing, I stumbled upon a semi secluded spot that was ideal for hanging out. A defunct abandoned business with a florescent tubed sign sat on the edge of the road and sand. It's soft green glow was enough to light up the parking area but wasn't bright enough to block the night. An older tire swing rested on the coastal beach just to the right. It operated fine and we quickly discovered just how fast we could swing it round and round. Better yet, a few yards away was a bonfire pit cast in stone resting about a hundred feet from the water. I brought my friends the next time I went there and we claimed the area as our own.

At least once a week we would all find ourselves there celebrating our teenage youth. We would stack the wood high, light the fire, and dance to the music coming from my truck. On the hot days, we would play in the surf and waves and see who could stay on the tire swing as we whipped it around.

Shane and I did everything together. If I was taking a girl out, then he was too. For most of the girls they thought it was sweet and romantic. They knew the backstory and how we had built each other up and made each other stronger. The girls that had a problem with double dating we didn’t see again. Shane and I, we were brothers. It was that simple.

After a little over three years, the time had come to overcome the last and final challenge. I took us roller-skating.

“This is so weird,” Shane said but there was a smile on his face. We finally conquered it all.

I had made a promise and it had been fulfilled. Shane’s cancer was gone and the war in the middle east was calling my name. As we sat there under the neon sign, I felt it was time to tell Shane that I was leaving.

“I joined the Army, Shane,” I stated bluntly.

Shane glared, teeth clenched, and anger in his eyes. “Why? Why would you do that?”

I shrugged. “I’m going to be twenty, man. I was going to go to college but with Saddam attacking Kuwait… This is something I need to do. I’m going nowhere and the Army will give me the time to figure it out.”

“What about us? You promised me you would always be there.”

“And I have. I always will be, but the cancers gone, man. My sisters graduated too. I don’t have to worry about her anymore. She’s made it clear that the big brother crap is done. I need to figure out where I'm going.”

Shane’s hands folded around his head and he stared at the ground. “We’ve done everything together. You’ve been there to get me up, to help me walk, to run, and to swim. Now, you’re going away. That’s some bull. We could have gone to college together. You know that, right? You didn’t have to join the Army.”

I left it there for a bit before answering. “You don’t need me like you did. Man, we are closer than I am to my own sister. I’ll always be there for you. Joining the Army doesn’t change that.”

“You promise?”

“Swear to God, I will. I would never let you down. You know that.”

We sat there for a while watching the bonfire burn as our friends screamed, laughed, and played in the summer surf. The green glow flickered on and off behind us with a sharp electric whine signaling that it was close to it's own end.. I would be lying if I didn’t say that there was a knot in my chest as I took it all in. Nothing would be the same again.

I married three weeks before going off to boot camp. It had been a rushed affair, but the ceremony was nice and quant in a small Baptist church. Shane had been my best man, but he had put up a fight. One moment, I was single and the next I was getting married. More changes for him to take in and he handled it about as well as could be expected.

“Have you lost your mind? Why are you doing this?”

“If I’m going to change my life I might as well go all the way, right?” I gave him a half mischievous smile that usually would break the tension. It didn’t work.

“No, no you don’t. What’s wrong with you?”

My wife radiated with beauty and joy in the mid-morning sun. I had known her since the eighth grade and knew from the first that we were destined to be married. “Nothing’s wrong, Shane. This was meant to be,” I said.

The sun had set on one life and now it was the dawn of another.

I was given a choice of various duty stations after all the Army training. Talking with my wife, we settled on Germany. What better way to start our new life together than in a far remote place away from where we had grown up. As a young couple, it was the adventure of a lifetime.

Calling the United States was expensive and nearly impossible to do. Still, by Christmas time I had scraped up enough to get a handful of calling cards and sitting in a public phone booth we used them all. It was our present. Those on the other line probably couldn’t comprehend how much we had sacrificed just to hear their voice.

When I got Shane on the phone we laughed and joked but inside I was worried. He sounded tired and weak. I asked how he was doing. He responded back, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

His brother was more forthcoming. “The cancer came back. He’s going through chemo again, but they are pretty positive on the outcome.”

As I hung up the phone, I was unsettled but it was Shane. He had taken it on before and he could take it on again. I had no doubts that at the end of the day Shane would be triumphant.

In May, a letter from my wife’s grandmother came in. I tore the envelope and in the excitement a newspaper article fell out and fluttered to the floor. Picking it up, I noticed Shane’s name in the headline. A warmth strolled across my chest, and I could feel myself smiling. Shane had an article written about him once before about him beating cancer and marching in a band at the Rose Parade. Now, he was in the newspaper again. I couldn’t wait to show my wife.

Trying to read it though, I became confused. The warmth in my chest had changed to a chill. I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. The words were mixed. The sentences and paragraphs were unreadable. Nothing was right. I tried to read it multiple times, but my mind just wouldn’t accept what was being said. I could feel tears brimming at the edges of my eyes.

Far away, I heard Sergeant McDonald’s voice asking me what was wrong. When I looked up, she was standing close. Everything around me had become muffled and dull. Sergeant McDonald had taken me under her wing when I first arrived and was almost like a mother to me. Staring at her though, I couldn’t comprehend why she and everyone else was so concerned.

I turned to the letter. I don’t remember anything about it except that the contents straightened out my mind. The words in the newspaper article became organized. I struggled in reading it and found myself looking up for help that would never come.

What I held in my hands was an obituary.

The joy and happiness that Shane brought into this world couldn’t be contained in such a meager amount of text. His, “Ahhhhhhhhaaaahhhhaaaa” or the glint in his eyes as he told a joke wasn’t mentioned. He had never been in a fight or had harsh words thrown against him and that wasn’t covered either. The obituary didn’t come close to capturing who Shane was or the strength that was within him.

What would stick with me most from that terrible day is the fact that when Shane needed me, I wasn’t there. This haunting indelible fact would stick with me for decades to come and probably for the rest of my life. I have yet to forgive myself for that transgression. I don’t think I ever will.

As the neon sign grows distant in the rearview mirror, I reminisce not just on the bad but also the good. Once we were young; the waves smashed against the soft beach sand, friends played in the evening moon light, and a fire snapped and spit into the salt marine air. Then I left. The bonfire grew silent, the defunct business was torn down, and nothing exists to say we were ever there.

I pull my truck over and wipe a tear from my eye. It’s been thirty years since I sat under the pale green light. Thirty years since I sat on the tailgate of my truck and had that conversation with my best friend. I make a choice and turn my truck around. I am headed back to where the green sign still shines and maybe if I'm lucky Shane will be there waiting for me.