The Pain Of Love

The morning sun peeks through the curtains. I lay there half covered after tossing and turning all night. I get up and stroll to the coffee pot and then out to the patio. The trees are green and blocking the earliest rays of the sun, just the green traffic light and the occasional car. I can see my neighbor's house, and I watch him stir, walking out to get the morning paper and then give me a quick wave. He is a beautiful man, a tall blond Australian, and newly divorced. I have tried to find out why he wound up getting a divorce from his wife, but no one seems to know.

I pull my shoes on and decide to go for a jog. Maybe today, I'll get five miles. My watch notified me yesterday that I had ten thousand steps while I was standing in the Wiggly Piggly Donut Shop beside Earl, the Police Captain and I know that wasn't right, so today I make another attempt to make it right. My shoes fit so nicely; the tops are like socks with bands that fit closely and make the shoe feel like a foot glove. I start off running. I notice my neighbor exiting the house. My first up-close view of him, and he is more beautiful than I thought, I gasped slightly. I know he heard me. He raised his head slightly, tilting his head, and smiled. "Hello," I stammered, "Hello," replying, trying to catch my breath.

"How are you today?" I respond, "Great, and you?" still trying to catch my breath.

He walks over to me, "I'm Ben. I see you about from time to time. Nice to meet you, neighbor." I see those beautiful blue eyes, and that long curly blond hair, and those really hairy legs. My thoughts are, "He has hairy legs. I am so going to be in trouble."

You have a sense when you know you are about to fall deeply head over heels in love with someone. There is a point you have a choice you can walk away from, but there is a point you welcome it, especially if you've gone a long time without someone significant in your life. I knew I was willing to fall. Something said, "He might like me." Maybe it was that smile. We talked for twenty minutes. He grew more adorable with every passing minute.

I tried to excuse myself, but he found a new reason to keep talking and looking me in the eyes, and looking me over at times. "Could he be?" My mind has a new toy. I will delve into the possibilities as the night unfolds. I'm sure I'll be planning a wedding by tomorrow and after this attention who wouldn't. Finally, I excuse myself and start my run.

I start to run and think. My head runs wildly, and I can feel the parade of horribles that would come with me having another relationship. Disheartened, I begin to cry and run faster, trying to burn up this emotional energy from my last disaster. I knew something was up when he started to change toward me. I tried to be a good husband. I asked myself, "Why do I always seem to be the person that gets it wrong?" I could feel a pulse of anger then that old demon depression, followed by what I call "Terminal Uniqueness." The only me, no one else, has been through this, and now I'm too old to have that dream of a happy relationship come true. Something within me crumbled slightly. Then I cut the corner, and that pulse of futility surged, I sped up.

"My X is happy. Why can't I be?" I stop and scream at myself, "Enough of this self-pity!" Then from the side, "You ok mate?" I whip around in shock. "Yeah, I'm fine." Those blue eyes and curls looking at me, "Your head doing you in?" While he taps his fingers on his freckled sun-parched forehead. "Where did you come from?" Without missing a beat, "My Mum." I turn and laugh. "Cute." He smiles, "Thank you, mate." "Oh, and Cheeky too." I laugh as I respond.

He smiles and says, "Let me buy you a proper coffee." I need to shower and clean up. He says, "Nonesense mate, you are fine as you are." We walk into the coffee shop he pulls out the seat for me. The Barista walks over and brings us our coffee, and smiles. Here you go, gentlemen. His female co-worker says, "they are a beautiful couple." The Barista says, "They are both hot for sure." I whip around and say, "We're not together." The lady says, "Yet." as she turns her back. A surge of hopefulness runs up and down my spine. Ben sits there and smiles. I noticed he was looking at me more intently. I turn away, the intensity of the moment being far too much for me. Outside I see the traffic light turn green. The Street sign beside it Sixteen Sixteen Happy Lane, I think, "How Ironic." I turn back to him to see him looking at his phone.

Then as quickly as he was a part of my life, he was gone, "I have to go, man, can we possibly meet up later on?" I say, "Sure." too many times. I saw this story unfold and know where this was going. I would be traded in for either some hot chick or some "Better" dude. I sit there. I can feel that disappointment hit again. "I hate this feeling." I can feel my body closing off and saying, "Enough."

I go home to see Ben and his ex-wife fighting on the law. The police arrive and remove her. I walk back into the house and sit down, turn on the TV and phase out. I sit there playing out this drama in my head and ask myself, "Why do I let myself get hooked into these things?" I stand up, walk to the window, and out over the intersection, I can see Ben's house past the traffic light. The light turns green, and one lonesome car speeds down the street.

My friend Phil calls me up and says, "Let's go out for the weekend, ok?" I say, "Sure, why not." Phil is this extremely handsome man six feet tall beard mustache, wears his hat, backward loves to work on cars, and is all things manly baseball camping but is gay, and I love him for it. We go bar hopping dancing and have a great weekend. I come home and find a note from Jed saying, "Stopped by to say hi, hope all is well, miss you." I dig for my keys out of my backpack and unlock my door. I walk in, make coffee, grab my favorite mug and sit on the back porch. I notice something strange going on at Ben's place. Joan, Ben's next-door neighbor, said she thought there was some possible illegal stuff going on. I watch curiously.

Cars pull up, and Ben comes out, then the cars pull off, so I'm not sure what is happening. I shake my head. "This is none of my business. He is not my boyfriend! I have no right to care." I sit drinking coffee under my umbrella out of the hot sun. My neighbors walk by, noticing my flowers, "your patio is beautiful!" I reply, "Thank you." I walk into the house, and then the doorbell rings. I open the door, and it's Ben, "Hello, Ben." "Hello, Mate, mind if I come in?" I say, "No, please do." We talk briefly. "Let's have a seat in the breakfast nook." Ben sits down. Before I know it, Ben's hand touches mine. His fingers gently caress my hand. "You have nice hands, mate." I sit there in shock but also entirely in love. He tells me the story as to why he and his wife got a divorce.

I listened, and in all honesty, I couldn't tell you one word of what he said. I was too busy memorizing his lips, nose, eyes, hair, the way his face moved, you name it. I wanted to absorb everything about him, and he knew it. Then his hairy leg touched mine. I felt my pulse quicken; I could feel my face heat up, and I needed to breathe. I sat there. I was in love.

Then something asked me to ask about his wife. "What about your wife?" He said, "She's gone. We are done." I ask, "Mind if I ask why?" He says, "No, not at all. She caught me having sex with a guy." I sat there flushed. All of my questions were answered and laced with disappointment. The doorbell rings and interrupts our conversation. I glimpse out the window as I am opening the door, and the traffic light was green. I thought, "How odd."

Phil is standing there, "Can I come in?" I look at him, astounded. "Of course. Go into the breakfast nook and have a seat, ok?" Phil walks by the spice rack where I keep my curry spices for chicken curry. Phil meets Ben, "Hello." The two men begin a conversation. I can hear Phil saying, "have you tried his Spinach Chicken Curry? Man, that stuff is to die for!" I hear Ben respond, "No, I haven't." I heard Ben say, "He is awesome, isn't he." Phil says, "I love him." Ben says, "I can see why." I stand in the shadows for a while thinking, "I went from being a nobody to this" At that second, I look up again and see a green reflection in the window. The traffic light had turned green.

It must be coming fall. I couldn't see the glare from the light so clearly earlier this year. I look down at the couch and see marigold-covered pillows, then outside school bus 24 goes by Lorraine is driving again. Then in a flash, I hear a boom. Phil and Ben jump up and rush to the window. Ben says, "That's my ex-wife's car!"

Ben rushes out the door and into the street. Across the road, a large field and a huge bull stands, watching this unfortunate event unfold. Ben finds his ex-wife deceased with one of his friends. Phil and I sit with Ben and take care of him for the next few days.

The police say the driver reported they had been stalking Ben's house to find out what he was doing and with who. The Sherrif then gets warrants and consequently arrests Ben for money laundering, drug dealing, illegal gun sales, and a gamut of other illicit activities.

Phil and I sit on the patio talking. Phil looks at me and says, "Boy, you can pick them." I get up, walk over to the water hose, turn it on and soak him. He takes the hose from while laughing and says, "You are crazy!" I reply, "Who told?" He jerks around, shocked I would say something like that, and says, "It's not like it's not obvious!" We sit and talk for a while. I guess the only thing missing right now is an English accent and a Mansion, right? Phil laughs. "Well, there are a few differences between this and Gatsby, my dear boy." I roll my eyes and laugh. Phil walks over and kisses me on the cheek, "I adore you, my friend." I reply, "I do you to my dear friend." Outside at the traffic light, which turns green, and one lone car speeds through the intersection.