The Mysterious Package.

I woke up to the sound of monitors beeping and a shattering pain in my head. I could barely open my eyes, they felt so heavy, my body felt weak. I couldn’t remember the events of last night or how I got here. Why am I here? I thought to myself. What happened to me?

I tried to get the nurses attention but my voice was barely a whisper. It hurt to try and even speak, the words just about leaving my lips ‘Nurse, Nurse’. I’d have to try and get their attention when they came closer, she couldn’t hear me over all the noise. The machines were so loud and the patient next to me was making an awful lot of noise. I’m not sure what is wrong with him but he’s not very happy. Maybe he has dementia I thought to myself, he does look very old and he isn’t making a lot of sense, rambling away to himself.

I hated hospitals, the smell was the worst, so sterile it smelled like bleach and the food was barely edible. I’m not sure it can even be classed as food really. I wanted to get up but my legs felt like lead weights, completely immovable. Well I guess I’m stuck here until a nurse comes back down the ward to check on me. Which hopefully won’t be too long from now, speaking of what is the time I wondered. There were no clocks nearby and I couldn’t see my bag or phone or any of my possessions for that matter.

What an earth happened last night? I remember getting in from work, I came home and made dinner…eugh it was that horrible mac and cheese again. I don’t why I insisted on keeping it, its absolutely vile but I’d spent good money on it and I was damned if I was going to let it go to waste. Last time I spend money on ’luxury velvety smooth vegan cheese’ ever again. It was not smooth nor was it anything resembling cheese. There are good vegan cheeses out there but that was certainly not one of them.

Okay so, hmm, I ate the mac n cheese and yes that’s it I remember now. I washed it down with the expensive bottle of Chardonnay Matt had bought me for my birthday. I’d been saving it for a special occasion but fuck it when was that going to happen and I needed to unwind after the day I’d had. The boss Margot was on a rampage again today, I don’t know how much more of it I can put up with. I swear one day I’m going to snap and tell her to shove her papers where the sun don’t shine. Really she deserves it though Margot is such an uptight bitch and everyone in the office knows it.

The Chardonnay tasted damn good though I drank the whole bottle and I don’t regret a minute of it, or maybe I will when I find out why I’m here, hopefully there’s not really wrong with me. I mean…there can’t be right, I’d know and plus if I was really that sick all my family would be here right now, surrounding me by the bed. If they haven’t been called then it must not be anything serious, I tried to reassure myself but I’m not that convincing. Looking around for the nurse again, or an orderly, anyone but the halls were quiet, oddly quiet actually. The man next to me had been sedated by now. I guess he was causing to much of a disturbance. All I could hear was the hum drum of the machines buzzing and whirring in the background and the ’beep, beep, beep’ of the machine measuring my heart rate.

It all very quickly became background noise as I lost myself in deep thought again, back to last nights events. After the Chardonnay though it all gets a little bit fuzzy, it must’ve gone to my head a bit too much. I’d never been good at handling my alcohol but not usually that bad. Then again I’d only had a small meal that night, I’d tried but couldn’t stomach much of the mac n cheese it was just too much. I remember a knock on the door, it must’ve been late at night because it was very dark out and it’s summer right now so it doesn’t get dark til gone 9 at least. The roads had been eeerily quiet for a Friday night. I’d of half expected some drunk college students to be stumbling around as I’m not far from the local chippy and kebab shop. It usually sees a lot of business on the weekend much to my displeasure.

I don’t remember anyone being at the door though, at least I don’t remember a conversation if there was someone there. I remember a parcel, yes, a box wrapped in brown paper decorated with a twine bow and a tag. I wasn’t expecting a delivery though and I’ve not ordered anything recently. What was it I wonder and who was at my doorstep delivering it? I went to reach for the water as my throat was drier than the Sahara desert by now and that’s when I noticed them, the scars I’d tried so hard to forget. I paused for a moment, it’d been a long time since I’d really truly noticed them. I always covered up, never looked at myself in the mirror at least not with my bare arms visible and I certainly didn’t look in the shower. I did my utmost best to avoid ever having to look at my arm it wast just a reminder of all the ways I’d fucked up and disappointed everyone who had ever loved me.

I traced the scars with the tip of my finger, the soft bumps that have healed so well they’ve almost disappeared or could be mistaken for stretch marks although maybe in the wrong place for that. If it wasn’t for these raised bumps though, they’d probably blend in, no longer a deep shade of pink and red but now a faded out white, barely noticeable against my pale white skin. I still remember each and everyone like it was yesterday, ever scar a reminder of the terrible things I had been through. I thought they’d help and at the time it did, but now they make it hard to move on. I guess I never thought I’d live this long or ever get to a point of trying to recover. Now that I have and am trying to move on with my life they just haunt me, like bad memories that cling so tight I fear they’ll break my bones and suffocate my lungs.

I still wake up some nights gasping for air and reaching out but you’re not there. No ones there, not anymore. I guess I really did drive them all away, not that my parents don’t love me they do very much so, in their own way. They never wanted to see me hurt so bad, I was their little girl after all. I just, I couldn’t face seeing them after they found out. It was like a dirty little secret that left me so ashamed I couldn’t bare to see their faces change, the way they now looked at me with pity in their eyes and fear leeching from their skin I could feel it in every hug and every touch.

It was as suffocating as the nightmares, and it wasn’t their fault they were trying to help, they wanted to ‘fix me’ as if I were just this broken piece of furniture they could take a part and put back together again and suddenly I’d be fine. But I’m not, and they couldn’t, the more they tried the worse things became. These scars are a reminder of what I’ve lost in the process of healing. I hope one day I will be able to bear to be around them for more than a few hours at Christmas and family gatherings. I long for the days where they saw me as me and not the girl with the illnesses, just labels that’s all they are, labels but yet some how they redefine my entire being to those around me. Suddenly everyone is looking at me differently like I’m some lost little puppy dog or a deer in the headlights that they need to shelter and protect.

I just want to be myself again, is that too much to ask?

‘Tilly, Tilly’ A nurse called out faintly snapping me out of my thoughts and not a moment too soon. ‘Yes’ I responded weakly still not having had that drink of water. “Do you know why your here’. Of course I don’t know why I’m here I thought in my head but instead responded with just ‘No’.

’You were found by your next door neighbour earlier this morning, passed out by the front door, they called the police and an ambulance as you weren’t responding. Now if you’re feeling up to it later today the police would like to come by and ask you a few questions about it all‘.

What the fuck happened to me I thought, I don’t remember any of this. ‘Uhm okay….but why are the police wanting to talk to me? Is there something wrong? Why am I in here what‘s wrong with me? I said getting more panicked now.

‘Calm down, Tilly’, the nurse did have a very reassuring voice, I tried to take a deep breath like I’d practiced in Therapy, In-Out-In-Out. The nurse continued on speaking I’d zoned out there for some of it but I heard something about a concussion that’d explain the god awful headache I’ve had since waking up. ‘….and then there’s the package they found with you, you were clutching it so tightly they had to pry it from your hands…‘ wait what, the package, that’s it I’d answered the door hadn’t I and there was just this weird little package on my doorstep. I still don’t remember who gave it to me though or what was inside. Did I even open it? The nurse was still talking but I was too lost in thought at this point.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this damn package, why was it so important, what did the police care about it for and who an earth hit me over the fucking head.