The Master of Disaster

Sometimes my life is pure comedic disaster. To be blunt I’m an idiot with a scheme. I agreed to pet sit this pup as a means to open up a conversation with my next door neighbor, Denise. I should of just said hi. But no I had to do better. I’m complicated or better yet I make things complicated. This adorable lab was supposed to be sweet. He was the game changer to make an everlasting first impression. He's a piece of shit! The air is humid and I can barely catch my breath as I slouch over my faded blue jeans feeling the fire burning in my rib cage through my sweat drenched dress shirt. This whole master plan has gone up in smoke as I chase this black labrador around my apartment complex. It’s like this little game of his. I wipe away the sweat and dirt from my forehead. I look up and there he is Buddy just sitting there wagging his tail panting happily. “Buddy, I swear you need to get over here right now!” I shout in deep breaths. The black lab closes his mouth and cocks his head to the side waiting for me to make my move. I inch closer slowly. With each step his eyes grow wide. I take another dive for his leash and miss. Looks like I’m off to the chase again. My face gets a sloppy kiss from the moist grass and I lay there wondering why things went wrong.

Earlier I went to pick up this pup from a friend. I remember walking up the pathway to this cozy house lost in suburbia. The scenery is green with trees and hedges along the entrance. The sweet earthy scent of freshly cut grass filled the morning air. Excitement gave my white sneakers a jolt walking across the red path in an upbeat rhythm. I rolled up the sleeves of my dress shirt then knocked on the front door. The anticipation for my plan had me wiping my sweaty palms on my pressed jeans as I waited.

The door opens and I’m met with an explosive warm greeting as Fred, my mammoth sized friend shouts, “Barry! Thank you so much!” His husky open arms scoop me up like a football player as he lifts me up effortlessly. I mutter through collapsed lungs, “Oh dear god. I forgot you were a hugger.” I brush my dark curly hair out of my eyes. I look him up and down. He is wearing white shorts with flip flops and a collared red shirt with flowers imprinted all over. I ask, “So Fred, you hitting up the beach? You look good.” His chubby face blushes and leans on his arm against the door frame and answers, “Yeah, me and Mary need a getaway. It’s been too long.” He rubs his gleaming bald head then says again, “Seriously thank you for watching Buddy this weekend.”

Shortly after I hear frantic clicking nails against the tile floor as Buddy this young pup came rushing to the door tongue out and panting with high energy. I hear Mary, Fred’s wife screaming in the background. “Fred! He got loose.” There he was this sweet high strung puppy sliding across the tile unable to make the sharp corner and colliding with the wall with a loud crash. It didn’t phase Buddy one bit as he found his footing and darted to the front door where Fred and I stood. Fred instinctively caught Buddy in his giant bear hug and lifted his dog in the air with pure love in those soft brown eyes of his as Buddy showered him with drooling wet dog kisses. I cringe, disgusted.

He sits Buddy down and clips this neon blue leash to his collar and hands it to me. Fred leaves for the kitchen. I stand there frowning as this pup looks into my eyes. I kneel and get closer to him, as I hold out my hand Buddy presses his cold nose against my open palm. I say, “Look, I need your help. I know you don’t understand me but you’re my wingman for the weekend. You’re cute enough to draw her in but I need you to behave as I take it from there” Buddy looks at me dumbfounded and happy. Fred returns, handing over the bag of dog food then says, “He’s a good boy but he tends to let his curiosity get the better of him. Please shoot me a text if there are any issues.”

I don’t know how I made it home in one piece because once in my car Buddy was all over the place. Two possible accidents later I pull up to my parking spot, frantically breathing out the stress of the car ride. My heart is pounding. I look over at Buddy shaking my head in frustration. Through the windshield there she is, Denise, making her way to the gym.. She is wearing volleyball shorts and a t-shirt. Her long black hair is done in a ponytail and has this tanned complexion to her skin that glows.

I sit there and the anxiety fades as she smiles over her shoulder then makes her way through the gym doors. Without warning I hear my passenger window roll down. Buddy had pressed his paws clumsily on the button and without hesitation he was gone. I growl frustrated through clenched teeth and raise my fists as I make a break from the car trailing after that neon blue leash. Buddy is Houdini the escape artist.

I dive through bushes, gates, and this game of tag has me sweating, and flustered. That’s how I became such a mess lying face first in the grass in defeated exhaustion. I trail him to the indoor swimming pool in front of the gym. I’m panting as I find him with Denise as his bark echoes on the tile walls of the pool. The smell of chlorine fills my lungs as I say “Buddy, you are a nightmare.” Denise’s eyes go wide when sees the mud stains on my jeans. My shirt ruffled and unbuttoned. She laughs then says, “He’s a sweetheart,” she pauses then sternly asks, “What happened to you?” I sigh and recap the chase with her. She laughs hysterically and then I confess, “Look I’ve been meaning to work up the courage and talk to you.” Her narrow face holds back a smile through pursed lips as she says, “I’ve noticed. Why?” I shrug and say, “Well for one I think…” Buddy’s leash catches my legs and I trip. I feel the impact on the back of my head as I’m knocked senseless. I see bright white lights. A silhouette peers over me then I feel a wet sloppy tongue caress my face. I zone in on my surroundings and Buddy is all over me. “Barry are you okay?” I see her laughing then I answer in defeat, “Can I just get your number or can we get coffee sometime?” She shakes her head then answers, “I never had anyone fall for me like this. But sure I know a place.” Buddy rolls over on the tile floor and smiles at me. I swear he even gave me a wink.