The Lie-ball Of Garyology

Disclaimer: This is the true story of my birth, scribed and put to paper by the finest wordsmiths in the world at the time.

Book One: Creation

1: In the beginning there was darkness. And Gary, from within the womb, spoke unto the lord, “let there be light,” and the lord responded uncannily fast, despite his massive work load, and replied, “alright mate.”

2: And The Lord guided the hand of Dr Olatunji in the Earth’s most precise caesarean to date, and from the womb pulled the finest baby to have been born, basked in a golden glow.

3: And so there was light. And from the light came sight, and then scent, and then sound, and the prettiest of ladies, Elven in appearance, cut the life-giving cord (from the mother He’d been sustaining) and whisked him away.

4: Unto a table she laid Him down, and sponged His body til the remnants of birth were removed. He never suffered cradle-cap, and had long golden hair and a full set of perfect teeth from conception. The mother suffered wicked heartburn.

5: A moment of stillness and silence came over the hospital. The clouds parted and sun shone down upon the land, and a voice from the heavens spoke as if in to the minds of all those present, and commanded, “dress my son in the finest leathers and loin cloths, and adorn Him with only silver and gold.”

6: “Fashion for Him an axe from steel and bone, and carve the blade with runes of power, for this will be your eventual salvation.“

7: And once the command was spoken the clouds closed once more, resuming darkness, wind, and rain—reminding the hospital staff that they were in fact in England.

8: The beautiful midwife, a virgin whose name was Mary, held aloft His bare body for all to see, and spoke, “I have been blessed with a message from The Lord, and the message is His name.”

9: “The child shall grow into the greatest of all men, and He is to be my husband. I must remain chaste until He is ready to claim my hand in marriage. He shall be called Gary, and the whole world shall know His name.”

10: People from the street crowded around to catch a glimpse of Him, from the neighbouring buildings eyes peered out from behind glass windows, and a fair number of cars crashed in an attempt to reach the holy site.

11: Into the room walked three wise enough men. At first they bumped into each other and struggled to all fit through, but eventually they worked it out.

12: The first, Abraham, a ginger from Scotland, bestowed upon the saviour a crate of Stella, a pack of cigarettes, and a bag of cocaine. He spoke “for the wee bairn I bring his early adulthood, for all youth must first party before settling into their role.”

13: The second, Patrick, a short Irishman dressed in green, placed down a leather bag filled with gold, a four leaf clover, and a potato. “For the Saviour I bring wealth: for all men must provide, luck: for He’ll need a great deal of it, and food: for He shall never go hungry.”

14: The third, a Welshman with a name spelt with such a ridiculous string of letters it was incomprehensible, but spoken as the name Keith, placed down the wool from a sheep, the milk from a sheep, and the meat from a sheep. He said something possibly wise but the room was none the wiser for it. It sounded much more like a cough, but it was spoken with an incredible smile.

15: The Queen of England then entered, (for the evil patriarchy decided to take off seventy or so years for a female head of state,) and gifted Gary the axe just as described by The Lord.

16: She wrapped His small but incredibly strong fingers around the handle, and an otherworldly synergy happened that all those present felt, like lightning pairing the two into one.

17: The Saviour rose to His feet despite all logic and physics, and held the axe above his head. Thunder rolled in the distant clouds, and He roared, “Fret no longer, kingdom of man, for your salvation has arrived!”

18: He then remembered He was naked, and pooped a stream of green excrement down His legs.

19: His future wife proceeded to lay him back down and clean him up, and the room rejoiced in a simultaneous “awww!” For the saviour had had His first shit, first words, and first steps all at once.

20: Thus, Gary was born, and a series of events set to shape the future of the world was set in motion.

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️

I hope you enjoyed the telling of my birth, and are looking forward to the continuation of my own personal bible. Leave a heart if you like, Drop a follow if you feel like it, and tip the clergy if you are feeling charitable. All proceeds go to repairs on my churches and charity efforts, I promise! 😏

You can find me over at Facebook, and if you like stuff like this, you may enjoy my previous post this week.