The Ghost of Summertime Past

I was bent over in an instant, hugging my sides. The air in my lungs felt of fire, shallow and heavy as I gasped for air.

“Fuck, ” I yelled in rage, kicking the snow with my boot.

I missed the bus again. The sun was setting, and what warmth from the light there was, waned as the darkness took hold. The cold clung to my skin as if it was hungry. It consumed me. I shivered and pulled my arms close to my body. I began to walk. I moved my feet, concentrating on the way it felt raising each leg. I appreciated the weight in each step. It enabled my mind to deter from the chill that ate at me.

Looking up, I saw an orange glare streaming from the old barn in town. Instantly I recognized the dilapidated structure from my childhood. I had memories of playing there with my brothers. I convinced them to pretend to be horses. We would trot and gallop in circles, clicking at ourselves as we shuffled around the paddock outside. Those recollections warmed me from the inside. Then all of a sudden, I recalled that the barn was deserted. It had been my whole life.

Was someone squatting in there? I pondered to myself.

I had to see. I picked up my pace since I had a destination. It started as a brisk walk, then turned into a full-out run towards the heavy barn doors. Once I reached the threshold of the yard in front, I stopped.

What was I going to say if I saw someone in there?

Setting those fears aside, I stepped up to the entrance. The doors were just as I had remembered them. Smaller in size now that I was an adult but identical. I moved to slide the giant red door open. The paint was chipping at the sides. I was careful not to get a sliver.

The door opened with a heave. The light spewed out onto the ground. Dust lingered and hung in the air. In front of me was an old man. He turned and smiled at me—a full and genuine smile.

“I wondered when you’d come, ” he said.

I didn't understand. I'd never seen this man in my life. I turned my head to look behind me. I thought about leaving but was too intrigued. Turning my head back, I moved in closer to get a better look. For the life of me, I didn't know why I wasn't scared.

That's when I noticed the horse. A stunning creature! The mare stared into my soul. She knew something about me that I dared not to see about myself.

“She's a beauty, ain't she?” The old man declared.

“Yes, ” I said.

I'd meant it too. We had horses growing up. I would spend hours on end with them. I loved the sweet smell of their breath and velvety soft noses. I was lost in remembrance when I heard the old man talk again.

“I love this old mare; she means the world to me.

“When my wife died, I was solely lost. The only part that kept me alive, waking up in the morning to greet a new day, was Sally.”

After a pause, he went on, “that was until I woke up one morning to find Sally had colic. She was in a sore state of affairs. I called the vet immediately, but nothing could be done.”

Nothing could be done, I repeated to myself. My mind wrapped around itself in confusion.

Why was Sally standing here in front of me in what looked to be flesh and blood?

The mare turned her head to look at me as if reading my thoughts. She then took to tossing her head up and down. The old man walked over and patted her side, whispering to her to calm her down.

I had no words for what I was witnessing. The old man observed this about me and took it as a sign to continue.

“Well, you can imagine I was pretty devastated after I lost Sally. I had no more reason for livin, or at least that's what I told myself.

“Of course, that wasn't true. I had a daughter. She was away at college. In my mind, she didn't need me anymore. She was better off without me. I reasoned with myself to end it all.”

Goosebumps ran down my arms. I recalled a story my mom had told me about my grandpa.

Oh heavens! That's when it dawned on me.

I turned and gaped at the old man. He read my expression and nodded.

“I regret ever doing it. I never saw you or your brothers born. I missed out on a whole lot of life.”

His face fell, tears trickled down his cheeks, one after another. He let out a deep sob and brought his hand to his face, and wiped the tears away.

He went on, “there are things in life you can never take back. That’s one of them.”

After a long, drawn-out pause, he said, “you see in life you must accept and embrace what's in front of you, rather than resist it. If it's happening to you, it's happening for you.”

“Like missing the bus, ” I absently mumbled.

“Yes, indeed. I'm grateful you did because I had unfinished business. I desperately needed to talk to you. Now that I have, I can leave. Both me and Sally can.”

He smiled again, a soft heartwarming smile. Then in an instant, he and Sally drifted away. I was left standing there. It had gone dark. I trembled and reached out my hand, feeling in front of me. I couldn't see anything. My eyes were adjusting.

After a few minutes, I walked out through the giant doors and into the yard. The moonlight was beaming down, turning everything under it that wasn't in shadow a fluorescent white. It revealed that illumination of our fears, anger, and sadness is the path to healing.