The First God

If my thoughts ever manage to reach anyone, I will explain the circumstances that I’ve found myself in. I don’t know who I am, and I don’t know how I got here. I am currently enveloped in a dark void, unable to see anything. At least, not while my eyes are open. When I close them...

I remember so many things. I remember the universe dying out, and everything that happened before that. I can access the memories of everything that ever lived, and trace the universe’s history back before the age of humanity--every delicious meal cooked by a loved one and every first snow witnessed by a hopeful child. Every human achievement grand and insignificant, every movement of voices and their silencing, every relationship kindled and spurned, every moment of division and unity, every baby’s dawn and every person’s sunset.

And before that, the reign of the dinosaurs, the formation of earth, the creation of the celestial bodies, and the big bang. Beyond all this, it seems to all come back to me. Or at least, a version of me. I don’t have any particular way to establish the truth of that, but there’s a certain familiar and warm feeling whenever I pace back there. I don’t know how long I’ve been here combing through this memory. This memory that I’m not sure even belongs to me. I don’t even know if time is truly passing.

The only way I can feel anything is through memory. I can open and close my “eyes”, but I’m not even really sure they truly exist. I can’t feel any sort of body either. Am I human? Or do I just gravitate more towards a human feeling because human memory makes up most of the thought that ever existed? I could be a bird or an otter for all I know. I could be a spirit or a ghost. Or I could be nothing at all. Perhaps I am merely the culmination of the universe’s existence and end. That would explain my seeming incorporeality.

Am I supposed to do anything here? Is this mode of being my eternity? Opening my eyes again, the memories take a backseat to nothingness. There is no peace or anguish, there is simply nothing at all. Do I have desire? I don’t think so. At least, what I feel doesn’t compare at all to the great desires I feel in my head. If I even have a head. Strangely enough, I feel that I understand what it is to want something at an extremely acute level, yet when I open my eyes, that understanding feels more like… an acknowledgement. I can dive into any being’s mind that has ever wanted something, and I can feel that wanting as if I were that being. But somehow it loses its edge when the memory fades away.

I can’t really speak either, but if I could I’d probably try to call out to anyone, anything that could hear me. Although that would most likely be in vain, I’m assuming, since there truly doesn’t seem to be any sign of existence around here. Wherever “here” is. There probably isn’t any importance as to the specificities of my location though. The last memory I can see is the universe reeling back in on itself, collapsing all matter and space into a singularity, and then nothingness. That’s where I come in.

Is there a “why” that I’m supposed to know? Perhaps here is where I’m supposed to learn the why, through the collection of everything I remember? Maybe if I provide a sufficient answer to the void, life will move on, begin again? But then, do I want it to begin again? I don’t want anything. A better question might be, does life need to begin again? Ah. Am I supposed to figure out the meaning of life?

If I am the culmination of existence, then perhaps the answer to the meaning of life is me. But that doesn’t seem likely. I’ve literally got no substance. Searching through my memories though, it doesn’t seem like there was ever a truly satisfactory solution to that question. If I am what exists at the end, then is the answer… nothing? Is there no meaning to life at all? Here’s me assuming I need to come up with something to fill in the blanks anyway.

Hang on a minute. Where is this questioning fervor coming from? Is a desire to ask questions not the desire to gain knowledge or understanding? Perhaps I do have desire after all. And if I have desire, what more could I have? I certainly can’t bring myself to feel any other emotion right now, though I know what they all feel like. What would I be directing those emotions towards? I’m not necessarily anxious about my future. I don’t feel like I’m locked away in a cage. All I have are these questions. But it’s a good enough start, I’d say.

It’s weird. At the same time I feel confused and like I know everything. It’s not truly everything though, I can at least understand that. If it was everything, then I could simply find my answers by digging through my memory. There must be something more that I can gain here, in this field of black. Will I feel complete once I do so? Actually, that’s a good question too. If I do manage to achieve a sense of fulfillment after answering all my questions, what comes after that? Fulfillment, at least in this dark expanse, would imply that there’s absolutely nothing more. But what would that even look like? I certainly can’t fathom it. Perhaps everything will just close in on itself to parallel how the universe ended. Do I want that? I’m not sure.

I can’t decide whether I want to keep on “living” or end it all right here. If either of those options are even available to me. Try as I might, I can’t lean one way or the other. I have no sense of a fear of death nor a will to survive, though I can feel it a trillion times over when I close my eyes. The world that exists in my memories simultaneously feels so close that it’s an inseparable part of me, and so far away. I know all of these beings, I feel like I’ve been all of these beings. But none of them can give me the answers I need.

Here’s a strange idea though. What if I just fake the answers to my questions? It doesn’t seem like there’s anyone out here who can or wants to correct me anyway. If I just make it up as I go along, maybe I can be the catalyst to my completion. I don’t know if it’ll feel disingenuous or not, and if that’ll derail the efficacy of it all, but let’s give it a try anyway. It’s not like I’ve been given any instructions or boundaries, so why not?

What question should I answer first? Perhaps: “What is there?” to begin with. A solid question. And I’ll simply say that I exist.

Holy shit. I can feel myself now.