The Fall

She held the hot cup in her hands, letting the warmth spread through her and ease the stiffness. She took small steps, watching the liquid hit the rim of the mug as she moved into the living room and sat in her armchair. Carefully, she brought the scalding hot drink up to her lips and took a first sip of Christmas cheer. It always brought her back to Christmases in her childhood. She eased into the calm of it and turned to look out the window.

There was a small dusting of white powder on the window frame and little dots of white covering the yard. The snow wasn’t strong enough to stick to the ground but it was still a beautiful sight. The woman stared for a good while at the dancing flickers of snowflakes as they moved past her vision. She could almost pretend it was happening just for her.

The slight buzz in her pocket woke her out of her reverie and she was brought back to the moment. Instantly her body stiffened, just a little and her heart sank a fraction in her chest. She pulled out her phone and looked at the message. It was from someone named David on one of the dating sites her sister had signed her up for. Her pain deepened and she felt like she might fold in on herself - crushed from the wait of it.

Sunday would mark two years since he’d been gone. Two years of lonely nights, solitary birthdays and empty holidays. Now as she looked back at the snowfall, marking the season as officially winter, it felt almost as if no time had passed at all. The wound was fresh and seemed to cut deeper with each lingering thought into the past.

The woman clicked on Davis’s message and viewed his profile. He was reasonably handsome, well educated with a good career. There was no reason to turn this down. She knew what her sister would say if she were there. But the woman was alone, looking at a lifeless screen, holding onto a dream she would never recover.

Instinctively, she dropped the phone. It fell to the ground with a thud on the floor. She turned her eyes up to the ceiling and tried to will the tears to back down from their attack positions. Slowly, the tears started to lose their power and faded back into the background. She took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind. She didn’t want to focus on the absence she felt or the hollowness in her life. She didn’t want to think about anything but the falling snow outside. The woman picked up her mug once again and took a longer sip, burning the edges of her mouth.

Abruptly, she stood up, knowing the only thing that might ease some of her discomfort. She threw her auburn hair up in a tight bun and covered it with a pink beanie. She only wore this one when she went to visit him. She still remembered the Christmas when he bought it for her. At the time she thought it was silly to wear a pink hat with a puff ball on top but now it felt like one of the last remaining tethers to him.

She grabbed her gloves and her keys, leaving her phone discarded on the floor and headed out into the cold. The wind whipped around her as if trying to invite her into the winter dance. She ignored the calling of the snow and stepped into her car. The warm air started to blast full force as the engine came to life. Carefully, she pulled out of the slippery drive and down the street to her destination.

Christmas carols poured into the car, echoing the joy of the dancing weather. It was a symphony of jubilating nature. The feelings of it did warm her to see but only for a moment before she remembered why she was driving and what was missing.

When she pulled into the parking lot her car was alone. It was what she preferred in this particular setting. Other people would only make things more difficult for her. She put on her gloves and wrapped her scarf more tightly around her. The wind had become more wild in her drive, more determined to involve her. She resisted.

The woman followed the path that she had become much too familiar with the past two years until she reached the stop she was looking for. The stone stood there, unchanged and unmoved with the same letters carved through it. The flowers she had placed there, the last time she had visited were dying and wilting away. Little droplets of snow lingered on some of the petals.

She made no effort to stop the tears this time. She put up no resistance as the pain started to consume her. She knew this part was necessary if she were to feel any sort of relief. She could feel her knees starting to buckle under her and she let herself fall to the ground. She reached her hand up, pulling off her glove and traced the lines of his name in the stone.

“Did you know him well?” came a soft voice behind her. She didn’t bother to turn around but nodded.

“Yes, he was my husband,” she answered through her tears. There was a sharp inhale behind her and she turned around carefully.

“I didn’t know he was married,” the man muttered. The man before her had deep charcoal skin that shone like onyx against the falling snow. His fierce eyes were the crisp blue of a fire’s center.

“How did you know him?” she asked, standing up now to face the gorgeous man in front of her. The man shoved his hands hastily in his pockets and gave her a sheepish expression.

“I was his college roommate. We used to be very close, I only just heard….” his statement trailed off and the rest of his sentence hung in the air like a toxic fume. “I’m Matt,” he said finally, clearing the air. He held out a hand for her and something in her heart twisted. It felt almost as if this hand could be the start of something new, a change or an escape from the dark cave she had banished herself to. She hesitated for a moment.

Suddenly, the wind whipped around her, warmer than it had been, and pushed her forward. She almost fell into the man. She smiled to herself and felt that she already knew the answer. She reached out her hand and shook Matt’s, that was still outstretched. Her heart instantly felt lighter and his smile melted away so much of her pain. For the first time in two years she felt like it might actually be a merry Christmas.