The Distance

“Dad?!" My wooden Baseball bat slid out of my grasp to thunk dully on the kitchen tile barely missing my toes.

"I've missed Ice cream" the tall dark haired man with his head halfway in my freezer was definitely not what I had expected to find when I got up to check if Timmy had gotten out of bed again.

The man had an odd accent, almost an Irish brogue to go with a deep voice.

My son ,T bear had been restless at night these past few weeks;

he had also taken to saying Grandpa quite a bit while pointing to random places in our apartment.

I had been feeling pretty bad about that. Tbear didn't have a grandfather, I mean I'm sure he did somewhere out there but I had never been able to find any of my relatives no matter how hard I searched - finances were also a factor.

They were always short around here, even more so since I decided to be a mom.

Poor kid, I was all he had, of course I had grown up with nobody so I guess he was better off then I had been, but still it would have been nice for him to have some family other than me.

I stood stock still staring at the figure in my kitchen. The lighting wasn’t the best but he was the exact image that I had been drawing since I was 2 years old, every time I thought about my nonexistent father this was what I pictured in my head, The people at the multiple foster homes that I had bounced through over the years felt that it was a coping mechanism for me.

When I was young I was teased mercilessly for my drawings and my stories (which were always a bit odd) of my private detective father and I’s life together, as I got older I began to paint and write in earnest this “imaginary” life and family as well as many other fantastical subjects.

I even got a degree in English-It always felt like someone was cheering me on whenever I got down or when I hit a milestone- with a Minor in art, but that doesn’t pay the bills. Temp Jobs, however, did.

And Through a variety of temp jobs I ended up meeting Mark, T Bear’s father, I thought I had found my home.

Turns out, He was fine as long as it was just he and I but he wasn’t ready to be a part of a family, so when I came up pregnant he left.

He tried to send money, but Mark wasn't so great with jobs- that was my strong suit, I didn’t count on how much time away from work being a mom would entail.

Motherhood had brought me a wholeness that I had never known and I never regretted it nor did I resent Tbear…..Mark I resented a little, but there wasn’t a lot of point to that.

Mark was in yet another job and had been there for over 6 months which meant he would lose it soon.

Oh well, the money had been nice while it lasted and it had come in very handy. I had tucked a chunk of it aside for when it inevitably stopped.

And I will say that Mark kept his word, if he had a source of income, he sent a portion of it to us.

He wanted no part of Tbear & I’s life but he tried to help as best he could. It was a lot better than some Dads out there.

The figure sighed and turned to me “Hi Kat” He smiled and it lit up the kitchen “It's been awhile…… I’d ask if you remember me & how you’ve been, but ………” he gestured to the small shelf Timmy had commandeered for his school project- The teachers had had all of the students pick a holiday to celebrate….and Timmy had picked Dia de los muertos (Day of the dead) - an Ofrenda complete with candles, marigolds and a picture (a drawing in crayon) of my “imaginary” Dad…Timmy’s Imaginary Grandpa.

When I had asked Tbear about it, he had said that it was his grandfather and that we needed to remember him, this would be a conversation at some point but not now. I wanted him to dream a little longer.

I found it odd that his drawing resembled mine so much. Maybe he had seen one of my early pieces.

Tbear had insisted that I lit a candle on the Ofrenda before going to bed.

I gazed at the Ofrenda, In my stories My father’s name had been Lachlan and my nickname had been Kat……., Could it be that I had actually wished a being into existence or was I hallucinating…I had been under stress lately but I didn’t think it was this bad.

I twisted my lower lip between my teeth in agitation and really hoped it was the former and that I didn’t need medication. I had already ruled out him being a burglar…or he was really crappy at burgling.

“Look, I don’t have any family. I was orphaned as a baby. And I’m not Latin so day of the dead isn’t a tradition that I have any connection with. And just in case, I have no money…..I’m a single Mom with a kid. My money goes to groceries. So whatever you’re hoping to get, you will be disappointed.” I straightened and crossed my arms over my purple Mermaid nightshirt in an attempt to look more no nonsense….although I doubted that it worked.

My doubts were confirmed when a few seconds later the man in front of me broke down laughing, closing my freezer door and running a hand over his face he moved toward me which made me stiffen up.

“You used to do that when you were little

Ka….Tina. “ He closed his eyes briefly and smiled as if remembering some quirky detail “Hmm so the soul suddenly has an ethnicity does it Kat?

“Well no, but…..” I was at a loss for words

“Every story that you have written, all of the characters that you sketched and painted, every tale that you thought you were making up…they were all memories from your life before this one. You were my daughter, my adopted daughter Andi…I nicknamed you Kat because...”

“Because I looked like a Meerkat when I ate.” I finished

“That’s right” he smiled down at the kitchen tiles,

at the tick of the kitchen clock he looked up.

“I don’t have too long here, but I know how hard it’s been for you and Timothy lately and I'm here to help you and to give you a heads up on a few things that you need to know are coming. You have around 2 more weeks at your current job, Sheena has been making a lot of trouble for you but it's all for the best. You need to be concentrating on your writing anyway. “

“Uhhh, firstly….hmmmm, why am I not surprised. She is just a terrible person! Sorry pal but writing doesn’t pay the bills. But thank you for the warning; I will start looking for another job in the morning...”

“You won’t need to. Besides you will need the time off to go to San Francisco. Use your last paycheck to get you and Timothy out there…

“Uhh No.”

“Keep writing Cat, Do you remember when we were living in the apartments in Jersey and you found Shag? God he was mangy. But after a few baths he looked halfway decent. Do you remember what happened when those men came looking for Shag?” He inclined his head forward towards me and raised his eyebrows.

I knew that story. I hadn't written it yet, but I knew it by heart.

So things were taking a turn toward weirdsville, and so I decided to go with it.

I needed to know if this guy was for real “Hunh, I haven't told anyone about that story…..so what was Shag’s full name..?” I eyed him intently.

I wanted this to be some amazing mystical marvel, but I had never had one of those so I doubted that was what was happening. Hallucinations were looking more and more possible.

He smiled a bit sheepishly “Shagadocious the bodacious of the tangerine carpets. Named after I informed you of what kind of carpet we had in the living room of that apartment.”

Well that settled it. I had either lost my mind or my imaginary father was …somehow…real. I stared at him and my mouth hung open.

“Did you think that you had no family just because you didn’t have any living family? Cat, when I took you in and agreed to be your father….I didn’t just agree for one lifetime. I knew I was signing up for all of the time that you would need me. Parenthood doesn’t just magically end when a child turns 18….nor does it end when a parent dies. A parent is a parent for life, and oftentimes death too. I have watched over you your whole life, and I have wished so many times that I could have been here in the land of the living for you. But that isn’t the way things went. And I had to trust that I had prepared you as best I could for this life. And I am so very proud of you.”

He beamed with pride at me, no one had ever looked at me like that….but it felt oddly familiar.

I could feel tears pricking my eyes and I wiped at them. I would not cry. I refused.

“You are so strong Kat; you’re an amazing Mother and you are kind. You have a big heart and a whole lot of gumption. That hasn’t changed one bit. I am proud to call you my daughter in any life. I wish I could be here on this plane for you and Timothy, but at least I can give you some stability…and I will always be watching over you and your children”

"Wait…what? I only have Tbear and as soon as I get the money I am getting my tubes tied. I love Tbear but I am in no position to have another baby”

“Well, that is one of the things that I was going to mention to you. You are destined to have 3 sons- Timothy, Quentin and Plasquale…Or Tbear, Qball and Pinball - they will have different fathers. Their fathers are irrelevant to them. They need you as their mother. They have had so many troubles in their previous lives; their spirits are in a lot of pain. And so they are destined to be yours so that you can be their Mom. You have a lot of love Kat…Tina. And those boys need you.” I must have looked stubborn because he crossed that last bit of distance between us and took my hands in his.

I was shocked at how warm his hands were; they enveloped mine with ease and reminded me of how bone deep weary I was.

I was tired down to my soul and I had needed someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be ok for a very long time.

He leaned down; his serious and concerned gaze met my eyes “Honey, Quentin is already on the way.”

“That’s not possib…” my words drifted off as I turned my head and I thought back to the company party a few months back….my friend Gina had watched Tbear while I had gone out. Oh no.

“Jerry at the office party. The same Jerry that transferred to Wyoming two months ago; and then quit the company a month later.” He raised his eyebrows, at the look on my face he pulled me into a hug.

I had had every intention of resisting that hug…but I underestimated how much I needed it. He pulled me in to the soft circle of strength and warmth that were his arms; he wrapped me up and laid his cheek on the top of my head.

And then I did cry, at first a trickle and then a flood poured from my closed eyes as my face screwed up and I buried my cheek into his shirt. It was soft, it felt worn and it smelled like soap.

He held me there for what seemed like forever but what in actuality was more like a half hour.

I was 3 and half months pregnant with a man’s child who I would never see again. I guess both forms of birth control had failed.

Apparently destiny didn't take into account a person's financial situation.

I felt him look up, and he pushed me away from his chest and peered at me “I haven't got long, Keep writing Honey. Go out to San Francisco, do you remember the old abandoned battery factory that we lived at?”

I nodded- I did, in fact I was set to write about it as soon as I could get a spare moment.

“Ok, it’s been condemned. And inside the east wall, right below the false heating grate I hid all of the cash and the gold from Saul's deal. It will be enough to keep you and Tbear and your future children living well for the rest of your lives. You won't be living the high life but you will be stable.” he squeezed my upper arms

“But you gave that money to charity” I furrowed my brows at him

“Not all of it. I knew that you would need it one day. And I wanted to make sure that you were taken care of long after I was gone.” He stared at the clock behind me, I turned around and it was 10 minutes to midnight.

I remembered that the dead could only return until midnight on the last day of the day if the dead

“No, you can't go…you haven't even met Timmy yet. You have to stay. You have to stay with us. You have to stay with me!” I could hear the quiver in my voice that meant more tears were close.

“I would give anything to be able to stay. But always know that I’m here. You just can’t see me. Timothy however, can. He is special Honey. As will your other boys be. As were you, I'm not gone, I’ve just stepped into another room and the distance might seem far….But I'm only a breath away. I will watch over you all forever.” I saw in his eyes the clock hands tick to midnight, he smiled a little sadly as he began to fade away in a swirl of golden sparks. They whirled around him until there was nothing left but his big chocolaty eyes.

I heard his deep voice call out as through a long tunnel “I’m sending an old friend back to you in my stead. Take care of him, he has missed you.” And then he was gone.

I slid to my knees, staring at the spot where he had been as tears dripped down my face.

The candles blowing out suddenly and the banging open of my front door brought me out of my shock fast.

I came up off of the floor in time to see a large dark shape jet through the now open front door and barrel straight through Tbears door.

I ran for my sons room only to be brought up short at the door frame as my eyes fell on the biggest, mangiest ball of dark brown fur I had ever seen pinning my son to his bed with elated enthusiasm while Timmy returned its affection with enthusiastic pets and kisses.

The ball of fur let out a deep reverberating WOOF and turned its huge green eyes to me. He, for it was obviously a he, raised up and came over to me...he turned his head this way and then that and gave me a big doggy grin and another of those wall shaking WOOF’s.

He had a permanently bent ear and notches carved out of the other one, his left back paw was missing a patch out of it and he was missing a few teeth. My canine Shag from my past life as Kat had been made to dog fight and had gotten some severe injuries due to it, Permanent stuff.

As I looked at him, I couldn’t believe my eyes “Shag!!”

He gave me a huge Doggy grin and a rousting WOOF

“Shagadocious the bodacious of the Tangerine carpets???”

It looked like his doggy grin would split his face in two and his tail began thumping the floor as he raised up to hug me...knocking me on my butt in the process.

I hugged Shag so tight I was sure he would pop but he was hugging me just as hard.

I felt Timmy standing by us and opened an eye while motioning him closer.

He came over and hugged Shags back, his big blue eyes were wide as he met mine “Can we keep him Mama?”

Shag drew back at this to look at me cautiously…he was waiting for me to make a decision…they both were.

“Absolutely!”

Which was met with enthusiastic Woof’s and excited

squeals.

Life was good, it was very very good.

What is the distance between one lifetime and the

next, between the living and the dead…….turns out it is a few candles, a

picture in crayon, some marigold petals and enough love to span 2 lifetimes.