The Consequence of Silence, part two

He looked over some HR paperwork and other employment verification documents. He put on his reading glasses and was trying his best to concentrate on it.

"To be a professor, or not to be?" He growled at his garish rhetoric. He felt like such a tool. The university was emailing him and calling him about his first day, and he literally couldn't even find an ounce of energy to be productive about this situation. It was a much more difficult time, since he was still trying to understand why he wanted to reconcile with Todd before anything else. It was like if he didn't finally figure out what was making his heart so heavy with regret and yet so light with a hopeful joy, he'd never make that leap and either stay, or move on and go to Connecticut. Just start over.

"You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself, like that makes it okay! You need to be better!"

Those words echoed and reverberated in his brain and it made him feel disoriented. He knew that Todd was spot on. About him. Everything. Diane had pity for Bojack, and it showed through her advice. Todd, however, didn't give two shits about sweet sounding bullshit. Not that Diane didn't tell the truth. She just made it easier to swallow at times.

His heart, however, actually felt sore. It felt raw, like it was so much in pain it was just reverting to a new version of itself. Almost dead, barely beating, with a crude and terrible thump.

Friday was generally uneventful. He wasted the day watching TV and glancing over the university paperwork. He decided that he would wait until Monday and then he would make decision about all of this, absolutely, and then move to a new and hopefully better chapter in his career.

He texted Todd out of a whim that Friday night while he smoked another cigarette.

Hey, so what's the plan this weekend? When are you free?

He waited about five minutes and became very impatient. 'Damn him,' he thought, 'making me wait so long.'

"Fuck it, I'm hungry." He said quickly, about to put the phone down but not before ordering two large pizzas. He watched a couple of episodes of Horsin' Around just to waste time and only drank soda.

A few hours passed and he realized he hadn't checked his phone. It was around 11pm.

He saw his phone did have a message. It was from Princess Carolyn.

You need to answer your phone. I got an appointment for you on Tuesday to meet with a TV executive. Big new show. Great script! Let me know by tomorrow if you are coming. -PC

He saw six missed calls but no new texts.

Five of them were from Princess Carolyn. And one was from Todd.

"Damnit. I text him and he calls."

Begrudgingly, he started to call him and it rang once.

"Hey. Hey, Bojack. I tried to call you earlier."

The familiar voice made him feel better and he half smiled. "Yeah, uh, I had it charging so I didn't hear the ring."

"Oh, okay. So when can you hang?"

"I'm free tomorrow and Sunday."

"Uh, tomorrow works. What time and where?"

Bojack thought a moment and clicked his tongue against his cheek. "Umm, how's about we do 11? Lunch?"

"Okay, fantastic." The enthusiasm behind his voice surprised Bojack, but at the same time, he shouldn't have been. That was who Todd was.

"Why don't we go to this deli near my place. I'll text you the address."

"Sounds good. So, why after all of this time did you want to see me?"

He breathed in slowly, and out with a bit of a shudder. Maybe he should be more honest about his intentions. 'What were they again?' He thought with a dry sense of humor.

"I missed you." He said it simply and without flash. It was one of the only things he ever said seriously with sincerity to Todd, but it was genuine and firm. It was the truth.

Todd was quiet for a brief moment and chuckled in a soft, breathy way. "Wow. Okay. Bojack, I missed you too."

"Well, I will see you tomorrow then," he said quickly.

"Okay. Text me."

"Right. The address."

"Or..." Todd trailed off. "You can just text me."

Bojack's heart beat got so fast he felt dizzy. "Yes. Okay. Good night."

"Nigh-" Todd started and didn't get to finish.

He hung up and ran to his bedroom. He started grinning pretty widely and closed his eyes. "Why the hell am I feeling so fucking good?"

He stared at his phone for ten minutes. Text him? What exactly?

Hey. You there?

Bojack almost leaped out of bed. "Shit! Shit. He texted me first. Now what, idiot? It's not like I'm some fucking teenage girl getting a text from her dream crush."

Then, he realized, yes he fucking was.

He had a crush. On Todd. A big fucking one, too.

Now, what? Was he gay? No. He definitely loved the ladies. At least, he really enjoyed sex with women.

Then, bisexual. Yeah, he could possibly live with that, even with the fact that he doesn't have an attraction to any other man.

But... Todd was asexual. Shit.

Yeah. What's up?

He decided to be cool. Didn't want to send off the wrong vibe.

I was just wondering how you were doing. I know you were in rehab. I really was worried the other day when you called. Did you relapse? Are you doing okay? I know that can be super tough.

'Damn. So... he's just playing the concerned best friend part. Not at all what I was thinking.' Bojack frowned and almost decided to not text back. 'Except he's always tried to be my best friend. I just rejected him.'

He texted back immediately after thinking that; it made him mad at his own selfishness and oblivious disregard for Todd as a whole.

Yeah. I did relapse that day, and the night before. I was very... I was feeling like life was closing in on me. I couldn't think and I felt incredibly uncomfortable and alone in my large house. I've been feeling like this for a long time. I was thinking about—

He stopped, not sending the text yet, thinking for a moment how to finish it.

you. And I really appreciate all the things you did for me as a friend. I felt like everyone in my life was there for a reason, even if I did monumentally destroy so many good relationships in so many ways. I treated you so terrible. I'm sorry, and I know that sorry is such a shitty, overused phrase. I just want to make it up to everyone. To you, too.

He was happy with the subtle message. It wasn't too obvious about how he felt. It still could be interpreted as platonic friendship.

He sent it and decided to add an addendum.

And I'm okay, now. No more drinking.

He waited for Todd's response, which only took one minute.

Dude, that's a lot to deal with. I'm sorry you felt so alone. Next time, you can call me. I know that we were never close, and we didn't have too much in common to bond over. It wasn't what I wanted. You had other people that were there and that's good. But, honestly, you can call me if you are feeling that miserable. And, even if you aren't miserable. Anything, anytime. I'm glad you won't go back to alcohol anymore.

Okay, but I am a needy sonofabitch. You'll be getting higher phone bills because of it.

He hoped that dumb ass joke would land. He was trying to not be so serious with the guy.

LOL. You are crazy

'Damn, I'm good.' Bojack thought. He then texted him the address of the deli; thinking the conversation was over. But then he got another message.

Did you know about the new show at the art museum?

Bojack shook his head, "I don't do art museums..." he said to himself as he chuckled and wondered why Todd was continuing the conversation so much. He thought about it and decided, 'Why the hell not?'

What's the show called?

I'm not sure, but it has a lot of surreal artwork and cool features that are interactive.

'Is he trying to invite me there?' Bojack thought, trying not to roll his eyes. He thought it might give it a try, surprised at the spontaneity of Todd's supposed proposal.

Hmm, cool. When is it?

Tomorrow. You want to go after lunch?

Okay.

Bojack wasn't sure why he had just agreed to go an art museum with Todd, something he'd never agree to with anyone else, except maybe Diane. It just seemed like a good time, even as all of his confusing thoughts and feelings were clouding his judgment, and he was sort of an art collector.

"That's sort of bullshit, too." He said out loud.

You ever been to the art museum?

No. I just usually stay home and chill.

It'll be fun. We can chill there.

And as Bojack felt like things were more stressful than ever, his life somehow felt better and more meaningful to chill with Todd at an art museum. It felt like it could be home.

—

They went to Carl's deli off of fifth and third street.

They were barely even acknowledging each other, just saying hi, how're you, and very basic conversation. It was like they were complete strangers sitting at the same table. And in a lot of ways, they were. Bojack had rejected this person so directly for so long that he flat out avoided actually getting to know him. The opposite was true for Todd, as he went the extra mile to learn about Bojack and be a friend, since the beginning.

He had to face the facts that he had to rebuild the relationship as though they had just met. But subtly. Like a fine artist's sieve, he had to slowly extract from Todd about his life to get to truly know this oddly eccentric and very intensely creative person. He had to think of something, anything to break the ice.

"So we're going to some kinda art thing?" Bojack decidedly asked after much silence. He realized how awkwardly he asked about the outing, but Todd nodded and seemed excited by the reminder.

"Yeah, there's this new interactive installation and I heard it's pretty cool. And they have this exhibit of abstract art." Todd almost jumped up, seeming to remember something. "Well, there's also this one thing I really wanted to see."

"What is it?" Bojack was actually getting invested in Todd's interest. It seemed so genuinely nice to hear about something he enjoyed. He thought it was because it sounded so effortless for Todd to be happy.

"It's about this group of German artists and some Russian emigrants in the early 1900s. It's called The Blue Rider. Some of my favorite paintings of all time are in this collection. You'll see why when we go." His face had this puzzling, bemused expression that Bojack couldn't discern. "One of the artists, Kandinsky, said the reason the color blue is chiefly used was not only for everyone's apparent affinity for it, but because it is the color of spirituality. Like, the darker the blue, the more it can awaken the desire for a mortal to seek the eternal."

Bojack was intensely surprised by Todd's depth of knowledge for such early movements in art history and felt like he couldn't think of a proper response to Todd's thoughtful speech.

Bojack looked down and really didn't want to have any more awkward silence with someone who seemed to converse so well and so thoughtfully, so he decided to open up a bit.

"I do appreciate art. I just never got into abstract shit. It's like, weird and it makes me feel out of place looking at an object or a person that looks off. Like it feels too uncanny." Bojack said with a puzzled expression. "Art is not something I've ever really understood, to be honest."

"Yeah I get that. I used to not like abstract, but this particular movement got me super interested in it. I love art, in general."

"I mean, what other kinds of art do you like?"

Todd looked quietly surprised at the question, almost as if he were waiting for the punchline. "Uh, abstract and expressionism is my favorite. But I also like pop art."

"What the hell is pop art?" He said sarcastically, though he actually felt interested.

"It's an art movement from the fifties. It basically was created as a challenge to the traditions of fine art. It ironically implements commercialism, advertisements, and even comic book art and culture, to emphasize the sort of banal properties of that culture, or something mass produced in society, to showcase it in a way that's... maybe exploitive is too brash of a term. But that's exactly how I see it."

"So, and this is just me taking a big leap here, but is it like that Warhol art? Like the Campbell's tomato soup cans?" Bojack said in a hopeful tone, hoping he didn't sound too ignorant.

"Exactly! Yes. I like the comic book style stuff better, but that's exactly what I'm talking about."

Bojack smirked, feeling a touch of pride at finally making a good point in the conversation, however small it was.

"Well, I don't know if that's what I like. I have no idea about any other artists or anything. I just kinda guessed."

"Good educated guess, then." Todd smiled brightly at him, and it made Bojack feel like the light of the world was glowing inside of him just then.

The conversation died down a bit naturally and they started eating their lunch.

Todd was eating his sandwich quietly, looking at the surroundings, the window, and then, for some reason, they both locked eyes for three seconds. It didn't seem strange, though, and it was naturally ended by Bojack looking at his glass of water like it was very interesting somehow.

Todd smiled just barely and said, "So I heard you are a professor. That's pretty cool."

"Well, I haven't officially accepted it yet. I'm still in the hiring process. I initially said yes, but I'm kind of not sure. I mean, me, as a teacher? Hell yes! But, I feel... unsure of myself." He wanted to hide his face as he realized just how honest he was being with him. He froze and couldn't wait to change the subject, hoping Todd would lose interest even though he brought it up.

"Well, I for one think you'd do great. It might even be cathartic for you to give some students a couple of F's. Or even A's." Bojack laughed a little as Todd took a drink of his sweet tea. "I think it might even be a teachable moment when you learn something not just about your students, but yourself. Like, you know, when your students succeed, you'll feel like you succeeded," Almost passionately, he smiled with a half lidded gaze up at Bojack, making him feel super sweaty and uncomfortable. He didn't know how to respond to such thoughtfulness and an actual conversation about his life.

He nodded contemplating the other's almost philosophical perspective on teaching. "Or I could find a hot eighteen year old student to take home for a night."

Todd rose his left brow but half smiled anyway. "But, what if, instead, you had a troubled student that didn't care and slacked off constantly. And somehow, you found a way to not only make them care, but help them strive for something beyond themselves? Like some inspirational shit you see in the movies."

"Or... bang a hot twenty year old student." Bojack quipped. 'I'm being such an ass, but those well meaning and wonderfully sweet words of wisdom are killing me ... God, he's so perfect,' he thought with a twinge of guilt.

Todd looked taken aback, but shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat, dude."

Bojack saw his expression and looked down, almost ashamed of himself, but quickly recovered and grinned as charmingly as he could muster.

"Just fuckin' with ya, Todd! That was actually really solid advice. Thanks bro." And to place the cherry on top of the embarrassment sundae for most insulting and shitty responses, he actually winked at the poor guy.

"Uh... yeah. No problem, dude." The stilted and flat way Todd delivered it made him wince in shame.

In silence they stayed as they both finished their meal.

'God, I am fucking this whole thing up so bad,' Bojack thought. He knew that he was making it seem like this wasn't a serious get together and that he didn't take their friendship seriously, or anything seriously. He might've tried to open up in the beginning, but it wasn't cutting it.

"Todd, you know that the university is in Middletown, Connecticut, right?"

Todd looked at him with shock, and he took in a deep breath. "You're going to move? Permanently?"

"Well, if I accept. I'll keep my house, though. When I come to visit, eventually."

"Damn. That sucks. I mean, I support you for whatever you want to do. I just... that would suck."

Bojack frowned, feeling something hit his chest like a bittersweet pain that started to feel like affection for Todd. "Yeah. I just need to know if this is the right move."

"Do you want this?"

"Todd, I have no clue. I want to just start over. Like brand new. Like the kind of brand new where no one knows me, really. But... I don't know." He really wanted to just say that he was trying to figure out a reason to stay in California.

"I'll.. really miss you. Like, it'll be so far away from California. From all of us. I know Diane isn't here. But, everyone else is here."

Bojack smiled. "I am still thinking about this. So, I'll let you know for sure." Bojack coughed. "And I'll miss you too." He said in a hurried tone, which made Todd brighten and almost jump up from his seat.

They said nothing for a minute, and Bojack had a spark of an idea light in his mind.

"Todd, if I do move, you can always stay at my house. For whatever reason. It doesn't matter. Like, you could be my house sitter. If that's what you wanna do."

Todd looked stunned and grinned. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. I'm very serious."

"Woah, thank you, Bojack."

"No problem, buddy."

Their conversation tapered off a bit and the silence was a bit distracting. Their connection about the move and his house made them both feel comfortable with one another, but at the same time, Bojack found himself trying not to stare at Todd. There was something very particular about him that was just so innocent and charming, and really, too adorable. He wasn't sure if it was attraction he felt for Todd or envy that in this cruel and sadistic world with horrible and undercutting people he stayed so freshly kind and wonderful.

At one point, Todd definitely noticed it.

"So, uh, you like my new hat?"

Bojack nodded quickly, thankful that was why he thought he was staring. He saw that indeed he was wearing a new hat. It was not a beanie, it was more like a stylish black cap.

"Oh yeah, man. It's cut—it's cool."

Todd's eyes widened at the slip up. 'Cute. Shit, I really must be losing my mind,' Bojack felt very hot in his face, and it felt like butterflies were rapidly populating his entire stomach, making him nauseas. 'But it looks better than cute on him. Really, really cute.'

Todd's cheeks looked a little red but he cleared his throat. "Thanks. I got it at a convention. You know, a comic con."

"Comic con, I never been to one of those."

"Oh? Well, they actually had a Philbert booth. Mr. Peanutbutter was there for a quick photo op. It would've been cool if you were there."

Bojack did remember about that particular opportunity. He was told about it several times but he ended up partying at a couple of clubs-taking two chicks home that night.

He felt really ashamed of himself after hearing what he missed out on, though, and it didn't seem like a cool thing that he scored with two hot chicks after all. It seemed crass and immature, actually.

"Umm, yeah. I think I do remember my agent telling me about it. It didn't pay too well. I honestly don't know what a comic con is. I felt like, I don't know, I would feel out of place there."

"Yeah, but you're a celebrity, a lot of people really appreciate your work, you know, fans and admirers. No one would've put you out, you know, and I bet you would've had fun. You are a fun person, uh, sometimes. Anyway, the writer of the show is making Philbert into a graphic novel. That was why they had the booth."

"I do actually remember hearing about that. I'm not so much into graphic novels. I like regular novels. But that's an interesting choice."

Todd leaned toward the table, placing his hands on the table. "I have a pre-released copy of the concept art signed by Mr. Peanutbutter and the writer guy. You want it?"

Bojack's mouth widened uncontrollably, thinking why he deserved such kindness from someone he was so mean to. He really, really wanted to just give him a hug. "Umm, you don't have to do that. It's your only copy."

"But, I want you to have it." Todd's eyes were so soft and looking at him in such a way that made him feel like he was in a dream. "I can go by and pick it up on the way to the museum. I live with Princess Carolyn, you know? She's cool. Her kid is so sweet."

"Thanks, I appreciate that." He actually did.

Bojack decided this was the chance for him to connect with him.

"When did you, uh, discover that you liked to watch kids?"

"Oh. I always have. I thought about being a preschool teacher for awhile. They are so innocent and curious of the world. I just want to make sure kids are safe, you know? I like to help them and be there to keep them happy and healthy. It just makes me feel better. About life, in general, shit like that."

"That's really sweet, Todd," The words spilled out of Bojack; he couldn't help it. He was really endeared by that response. Todd's face lit up bright red. He sipped his drink and almost coughed. Bojack smiled at him sympathetically.

Todd smiled back. That cute half smile.

"So, uh, will you take that professor job?" Todd asked it in an almost sad way, seeming to only bring up the subject to hopefully shut it down.

"Umm. I might. Princess Carolyn has a possible lead for me. A new TV show."

"Woah, a new show? What's it about?"

"I don't know. I didn't call her back yet."

"You should. That might be cool. Something different."

"Yeah. Maybe."

They finished up lunch and cleaned up, both exiting the restaurant.

"Okay, I'll see you soon at the museum. I'm going to get that book for you." He waved and turned to leave.

"Did you walk here, Todd?" He noticed that the other was starting to walk away from the restaurant and Todd turned around.

"Yeah. I did."

"I'll drive you. Come on."

"Cool."

They drove in absolute silence save for the radio playing some random pop song. It sounded like Sarah Lynn, and Bojack changed the station, feeling extremely morose.

"You know, bro, I wanted to say... I just, I'm so sorry for your loss of Sarah Lynn."

"Damn dude, are you psychic?" He didn't mean to be an open book with his emotions, but he actually did feel pretty bad.

"No, I'm not. You just really looked upset a second ago and that was a Sarah Lynn song. I just never really said anything about it. I always wanted to. I can't imagine how you felt. It was probably so devastating. You knew her since she was so little."

Bojack was silent but nodded. So that was one of her songs. No wonder.

"I'm sorry for bringing it up, man."

"No, it's okay. I always felt guilty. I knew I could've helped her more. I didn't though."

Todd frowned and leaned toward his window. "Grief is a powerful way for us to overcome our problems. I think that when you go back to all your memories with her, you know that through all the bullshit and crazy things, you cared about her and she did for you."

"Yeah, Todd. I just feel like the worst though. I really appreciate that you're saying that. I just can't reconcile how shitty I've been. How I continue to be."

"Well, maybe those feelings you have can be better expressed in an outlet. Find a new and better way to express your negative experiences and make it into something productive. Find a new hobby or volunteer somewhere."

"Hmm. Good point."

He stopped by Princess Carolyn's and Todd got the book, giving it to Bojack as soon as they got in the car.

"Thanks." He says sheepishly.

"Aww, you're welcome."

As they got to the art museum, Bojack had to ask the other a burning question In his mind.

He turned off his car and looked at Todd for a moment. They locked eyes and it felt like fire was inside of the car.

"Umm, wanna go inside?" Todd asked quietly.

"Sure. Umm. I have to ask you something first. Why are you being so nice to me? It's not like I've given you a bed of roses and anything half as decent as this." He lifted up the art book and shrugged, looking at Todd expectantly.

"It's just a concept art book. I have a small collection of other comic book artwork and superhero graphic novels. It's just something I like. I thought you might enjoy it. And in any case, you did do something for me. Like, let me live with you for free for five years, remember?"

"Yeah, but that was different. I mean, I just can't remember the last time someone just gave me something." He felt touched and inspired. "For no reason."

Todd smiled, "You reached out to me, to hang out. You said you wanted to catch up, and kind of start over our friendship, which if I didn't want any of that, I would've said no. So, in a lot of ways, I always wanted to be your, best friend. But, it never really happened that way."

Bojack sighed. "Listen, Todd. I took you for granted. I was a complete ass. I thought you were such a permanent fixture in my life, in my house, that I could be the biggest asshole and you'd always be there. I was wrong. I should have never took you as my friend for granted so for that I'm sorry. You.. are really, really great."

They both said nothing for a minute.

"Thanks. I already have forgiven you. But, at the same time, I really won't put up with bullshit or abuse, at least, not anymore. That being said, I'm glad you invited me out today."

"Fair enough. Let's go inside."

—-