The Clickety-clack of Wheels

I feel a gentle rocking and wonder why my bed is moving. It must be a dream. It is not unusual that my dreams take on a life of their own. Many times my dreams feel so real it is hard to believe I am not awake. I sometimes wonder why my dreams are so vivid. I never feel rested. Is that because I live the dreams in my sleep. Am I really running a marathon, hiking through the Alps, or purhaps on a train?

Once again I feel the gentle sway and now I begin to hear the clickety-clack of the wheels on the track. This feels so real. How could it be just a dream? It can't be, can it? I stir in my bed and I awaken. I am not in my bed but infact on a train speeding to where. I do not know. I look around and I am not alone. I look out the window growing more agitated. How did I get here? Where am I going? How can this be really happening?

I stop and slow my breathing so I can think more clearly. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I must be asleep. This can't be real. When I open my eyes nothing has changed. I am still on a speeding train heading to unknown destinations. How did I get here? I am scared but everyone else looks calm. How can this be? I must get some answers. If I ask someone am I putting myself in danger? I did not get here on my own. I have to find out.

I screw up the courage and look around. Who has a friendly face? I have to find the most approachable person. I finally see what appears to be a very contented old man. With a wrinkled face, calm and quiet. He becomes my target. I hope I have chosen wisely. I approach quietly, with my heart beating out my chest. I hope he cannot feel the anxiety I am experiencing. I tell myself to breathe in, breathe out, and focus on being calm and rational, in an irrational situation. Suddenly as if time never passed I am standing near the old man. I bolster my courage and ask "Sir, may I ask you a question, I hope I am not interrupting you". He looks up kindly and says to me "Sit down child, it will all be explained".

What is he talking about, what does he know? How can he know what I am feeling or what I am going to ask? I sit unsure that it is the right thing to do, but I sit nonetheless. Now I don't know what to ask so silence fills the void and the tension is palpable. I start to form the words in my head but the silence is broken by a weak voice. It appears to be coming from the old man but he is looking forward and does not appear to be speaking, yet I hear the voice. Once again I hear "All will be explained". My heart leaps, something is wrong. I can feel it in the air. I realize as I look around the train that no one on the train appears to be speaking and yet there is chatter throughout the car. Once again I ask myself, am I dreaming all of this. If it is a dream I want to wake up now. The wheels keep going with no sign of slowing or stopping. As if to read my mind the old man assures me that this is real and it is no dream, but it might be a nightmare. I whisper "you said it would all be explained but yet you have said nothing". Once again quietly I hear his voice. "In good time child, you will understand".

I have to get off this train. I have to get out of here. But how? I don't even know where here is and the train is not slowing. I realize that there has been not a single announcement about destinations or next stops. I hurriedly look around for the conductor and see no one. The only people on the train appear to be passengers. How did I get here? The old man interrupts my thoughts. In a calm voice, he says "you cannot leave this train until its final destination, there are no stops in between". I begin to panic. I scream "I must go home, this can't be real" but my scream only comes out as a whisper. I realize that I do not have control. I feel like a marionnette with someone manipulating my strings. Again my heart races. I want to scream but I cannot, I want to run but I cannot. I am at the will of the puppet master.

Finally, the old man speaks again, saying, "We are near our stop child, do not be afraid, it will be alright". Tears begin to roll down my cheeks, slow and burning. All I can feel is the heat, the unbearable heat. Why is it so hot? Why do my tears burn? The old man very calmly says, "do not cry for here you will be found". Found, found from where? Was I lost? How can this be? I have always been so sure of my life. I have my future mapped out in great detail and my life has worked out as planned. Lost? Not possible.

The train comes to a screaming halt. Everything is tossed and turned but no one in their seats stirs or seems concerned. Why am I the only one who is frightened? What do they know that I do not? All of a sudden the train is a flood of lights. They are bright and hurtful to look at, and still, the heat is unbearable. I hear voices but they are no longer calm. There is a clamour of excitement. So many voices, but not from the passenger on the train. There is so much screaming and yelling but nothing is discernable. I hear my name. Is it possible, is it real or am I dreaming that I hear my name? I have told no one, not even the old man, my name. Yet, I hear it again and again. Hillary, if you can hear me call out. It is clear now. I want to call out but I cannot. Once again burning tears. I am afraid, there is so much heat. I look for the old man but he is not there. Where did he go? How could he have moved without my noticing? I have not moved. Again I hear my name. I want to shout. I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one hears. I can't scream any louder. Please find me. I need answers. Oh, the heat. There is pain with the heat.

I look into the lights even though it is painful. I see a face begin to appear before me. It is that of the wrinkled old man. I ask "where did you go, why did you leave?" "You promised there would be answers and yet I still know nothing". "Where am I and why is there so much heat?" "Am I still on the train?" "Wasn't there a train?" Now I am not certain anymore.

I hear his calm voice "Hillary, there was a train and yes, you were on it. There was a terrible accident and the train derailed. You are safe now. You are here with me. I will take good care of you."

Where is here I whisper? He tells me that I am in a hospital outside of Amsterdam and that the train crash was terrible and that I am lucky to be alive. I think to myself, how can this be? This is the old man who was beside me on the train isn't it? This can't be possible. Was this in fact all a dream after all? I still don't know if I am asleep or awake.