The Chatterbox

The following is a stage adaptation of a sketch I wrote for a radio program I created and produced in my college years. I am posting it here for the sake of anyone who wants it. I, the author of this work, hereby give you full permission to perform this in whatever capacity you desire, provided you give me due credit as its author.

CHARACTERS

Andie: 25; teaching assistant

Schuyler: 38; lawyer

SCENE

A bus stop

Chicago, IL

TIME

Present day

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SETTING: A bus stop outside a brick apartment building in the early morning.

AT RISE: SCHUYLER stands at the bus stop, suitcase in hand. She looks ahead stage left, seeking a bus.

SCHUYLER : Oh, my God, this bus is taking forever... (glances at watch) Come on!

(ANDIE enters quickly, from stage left. She is unnaturally energetic.)

ANDIE : Hi!

(SCHUYLER screams in shock and grabs at her chest.)

ANDIE : Sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you. I forget sometimes that I have a really loud voice. My dad used to call me Little Ethel Merman ‘cause she had a loud voice, too. You know Ethel Merman, right?

SCHUYLER : Yeah, I—

ANDIE: (belting out) You’ll be swell, you’ll be great! Gonna have the whole world on a plate!

SCHUYLER : I know who Ethel Merman is!

ANDIE : Cool! (beat) I like her a lot. Not as much as I like Bernadette Peters, but I like her a lot. You like Bernadette Peters?

SCHUYLER : I...guess.

ANDIE : She’s one of my favorite actresses. She’s just so versatile. I so wanted to be her when I was little.

SCHUYLER : That’s nice.

ANDIE : Then, when I was in high school I wanted to be like Carol Burnett. I got really obsessed with her show for a little bit. It was rough time in my life; I was in this really unhealthy relationship and I’d always watch clips of her show on YouTube to keep myself from crying. (half a beat) It didn’t always work. She did some deep stuff on that show. Like this one skit where she’s at a bar and she’s this really lonely woman and Harvey Korman comes in and she’s like, “Is this a pick-up?” And then Harvey’s like—

SCHUYLER : Excuse me, but is there a point to all this?

ANDIE : Well, it’s just that some of the sketches she did got me kinda thinking about my life, and eventually I dumped the guy I was seeing at the time.

SCHUYLER : Good for you.

ANDIE : Then I tried out for my school’s improv troupe, but I didn’t make it in. I don’t think I was very good; I didn’t get any laughs. Either way, I kinda gave up on wanting to be Carol Burnett after that, but then I got the lead in the musical that year. You’ll never guess what it was. Go on, guess. C’mon. Guess. C’mon. Come on!

SCHUYLER : Just tell me!

ANDIE: “Once Upon a Mattress”! And I got the lead! Me! I got to be Winifred! Just like Carol Burnett! (belting out) I’ve always been shy! I confess it, I’m shy! Can’t you guess that this confident air is a mask that I wear—?

SCHUYLER : Oh, my God, will you shut up?! For the love of every single deity worshipped by mankind, will you please shut your loud, festering gob?! I don’t want hear about Carol Burnett or Bernadette Peters or whoever! I don’t care about you sucking at improv or dating some bastard in high school! I don’t wanna hear you belting out show tunes! I just want you to shut up! Nothing would give me more pleasure in this world than the sweet, sweet sound of you not uttering one single word more! Do you have any idea how annoying you are?! If I were wearing the Infinity Gauntlet right now, I would snap my fingers just on the off chance that you would be one of the three-and-a-half billion people killed! Dear God, how I hate you!!!

(A beat.)

ANDIE : Wow. You just love to hear yourself talk, don’t you? I’m gonna go wait at another bus stop. The last thing I need is to get stuck with a chatterbox.

(ANDIE exits. SCHUYLER starts strangling the bus stop sign.)

(BLACKOUT)

(END OF SKETCH)