The Appointment

The appointment was nothing to fear. It was just an ordinary, every day, normal appointment. Nothing more. No need to be afraid.

And yet I was.

I put on my pure white clothes, the only colour an unmarried woman was allowed to wear, making sure that there wasn’t a stain or a speck of dust on them. I brushed my long black hair and let it flow down my back.

Perhaps afraid was the wrong word. Since I had come to The Citadel, unease had been my constant companion. Sometimes it was barely perceptible, at other times it exploded into full blown fear like today.

But it was silly to be afraid.

The Citadel cared for me.

The Citadel protects me.

I was being ungrateful. I trusted The Citadel to know what was best for me and for all its citizens.

I stared at myself in the mirror, my clothes blending into the blank, white walls. The woman in the mirror was thin, too thin maybe. She had slightly slanted black eyes, and long, perfectly straight black hair. She looked fragile. Like she needed taking care of.

I had barely survived on the outside. When I got here, The Citadel offered me safe haven. For that, I ought to be forever grateful. Living here, I was safe. I had enough to eat and a roof over my head. I didn’t have to worry about disease or the toxic Wastelands to the north.

Every day was easy. I did my work. I behaved as a good woman should. And I was rewarded by being allowed to stay.

Not everyone gets to stay.

The appointment is in twenty minutes. I need to leave now to get there on time. I don’t speak to anyone along the way. They say that The Citadel is built on the remains of an ancient city from Before. I don’t know if that’s true or not. No records exist from Before and no one alive today remembers anymore.

But there’s no need to wonder about things of the past. I am happy here and I don’t need anything else. I frowned. When I thought the word happy I had a flash of the feeling, of a memory of what happy really was. Then it was gone.

Was I happy here?

The question bothered me and I shoved it aside.

A long line snaked its way away from the clinic. When I reached the end, the last person in line was a man. He had copper hair that shone in the sun and blue eyes, the colour of the sky. He was leaning against the wall, surveying me with interest. When our eyes met I felt a jolt and I blinked in surprise.

“Hello,” he said, giving me a friendly smile.

I returned it cautiously. My heart leapt at the light dancing in his eyes.

Was he happy? Not many people in The Citadel seemed happy but maybe that was only my perception. His smile seemed genuine, though.

“You’re new, too?”

“I’ve been here a few months,” I told him, mentally dubbing him Red.

“Me too. You have an appointment, then?” Red’s face grew solemn.

I nodded and he scowled.

“It’s not right.”

I scowled back at him.

“The Citadel cares for us and protects us. It’s not much to ask to have us come for a simple interview.”

“I personally think it’s a hell of a lot to ask,” Red said. I was shocked. I had never heard anyone speak of The Citadel like that.

“Hush,” I said, glancing around to see if anyone else had heard. I rather liked this charming man and I didn’t want him to get arrested while I was watching. Who knew if I would ever see him again if they took him away.

“Look, I’ve found out some things about these appointments,” he said, leaning in and speaking softly. “They’re doing scans of our brains.”

“Scans?”

“And it will tell them whether we still have free will or not.”

“Free will?” I snorted. “Of course I have free will.”

“You do now. But if they see that the propaganda and social pressure tactics aren’t working in controlling you, then they take more drastic measures.”

“Drastic measures?”

“They have ways of altering your brain so that it no longer exerts its own judgement but is extremely easy to manipulate and coerce. I don’t know if it’s drugs or surgery but they have the technology to do it.”

“This is crazy. You need to leave me alone,” I said, turning my back on him.

He stepped closer to me and kept speaking.

“I have something that can fool the scanner. It’s a device that entrains your brain to the patterns they’re expecting to see.”

“What about your appointment?”

“I don’t actually have one,” he said. “I come here to help people avoid the appointments.”

“I don’t want your device. I don’t want anything to do with you,” I told him. “You’re going to get us both thrown back Outside.”

I shuddered to think of it.

We were almost to the door.

“Last chance to change your mind,” he said, holding out a heart shaped locket, twisting and dangling at the end of its gold chain.

I shook my head.

“I owe The Citadel everything.”

“You don’t owe them anything,” the young man said, fiercely his blue eyes darkening with anger.

“I don’t want anything to spoil what I’ve got here. I’m safe here.”

“Do you want to be safe or do you want to live?”

The way he said it made it sound exciting, not like this grey existence I had endured for so long.

“Small acts of defiance can lead to huge shifts in the world.”

“I don’t want to defy anything,” I hissed at him. “I don’t want the world to shift.”

“Fine,” he said, moving in close and putting his hand on my waist. I was so shocked at this forward behaviour and the tingle when he touched me that I didn’t bother to question it.

“Good luck in there,” he whispered in my ear. I pulled back sharply and stepped away from him. He grinned wickedly and I felt my cheeks flush.

I gave him a look of disbelief.

“I don’t need luck,” I said, turning and pushing through the door. “I have The Citadel looking after me.”

“Well, if you do need some,” he called after me. “Check your pocket.”

I didn’t bother to puzzle out his odd words. Clearly, he was a little crazy, saying that I didn’t owe The Citadel anything when I probably wouldn’t even be alive if I wasn’t here.

Once inside the clinic, the door swung shut with a thud and I moved into the room, wading through the thick silence. It was stifling and I could hardly breathe it was so hot. Outside there had been a breeze but in here the air hung heavy around me, weighing me down.

Every seat except one was taken, so I sat there. A nurse came and gave me a questionnaire to fill out. I wrote quickly and returned it to her.

“Thank you,” she said, politely but there was no warmth in her tone. Wistfully I remember Red’s grin.

“No,” a loud voice came from the back rooms. “I’m fine. I’m fine, really. Don’t… please don’t… I don’t want to…”

The voice went abruptly silent.

When I looked around at the other people waiting, nobody was looking up and then a thought struck me.

What if Red was right?

What if this was all wrong?

Time passed and people left but didn’t return. I got a strange, fluttery, panicky feeling in my stomach but I ignored it. The Citadel gave me everything and they only wanted me to come to this appointment and answer some questions. No big deal.

But I had to admit to myself that I was no longer entirely convinced.

This felt more and more off. My pulse was pounding and my breath was speeding up.

“Miss?” A different nurse was standing in front of me. “Please come with me.”

I stood up and followed her.

We went through a door and it slammed behind us, making me jump. She led me into a room with a table with chairs on either side. I sat, wishing for… something… I didn’t know what.

Help, maybe? A way out?

Or perhaps… good luck.

I froze for a moment.

Red had said that if I needed luck, to check my pocket. What if… I reached into my pocket and felt around on the side where he had touched me. My face heated again at the memory.

Sure enough.

It was there.

But did I dare use it?

Didn’t I owe The Citadel my very life?

He had said I didn’t owe them anything.

I curled my hand around the heart shaped locket and thought hard. What if my interview and scan didn’t give them the right answers? I didn’t have much time. The nurse would be back at any moment.

The door opened.

“All ready, dear?” She inquired but there was no kindness in the endearment. “I just have a few questions for you and then we’ll do your brain scan.”

She gave me a fake smile and I returned it, suddenly scared out of my wits.

What would happen if my brain was wrong?

But it was too late.

I had waited too long to decide.

Now I had no choice.

I had to keep my appointment.

Even though I no longer wanted to.

***

I exited the clinic out the back. Unsure of how to feel or what to think. I simply sat down on the sidewalk against the wall of the building and stared at the street, my arms wrapped around me. My world was crumbling. A moment later, Red showed up, looking concerned, as if he had been waiting for me.

“Red,” I said in greeting, beaming up at him.

He seemed startled again by the name.

“You have red hair?” I explained, though I thought it should be obvious.

“Oh, yeah, right,” he said, confused. “Are you okay?”

“Sure,” I said. Though I wasn’t sure at all.

“Come on. I’ll take you home.”

I let him help me up and leaned on his arm because I was still feeling woozy from what they had given me before the scan.

“You really went through with it?” His face was filled with regret.

“I really did.”

“You won’t even know what you’re missing,” he said, as if speaking to himself.

“What will I be missing?”

“Freedom,” he answered, looking so sorry that it twisted my heart.

But he was already going on.

“And after the interview and the scan, did they do any procedures on you?”

“No,” I said, pulling out the locket, which hung around my neck.. “They didn’t find any anomalies in my brain.”

“You used it,” he said, an astonished smile lighting his face. “Why?”

“Maybe The Citadel isn’t as benevolent as it seems,” I said, my eyebrows drawing together. “Maybe I like having free will.”

“That’s great.”

“Where did you get this?” I asked, opening it up. “And who is the red headed woman?”

“My sister,” he said, his face suddenly stormy. “I haven’t seen her since she went for her appointment.”

And without warning, I felt reckless. I felt wild. I felt free.

“Maybe we can find her, Red,” I suggested. He startled again at the name, then considered my suggestion.

“You think so?”

“I think with free will we can do anything.”

In the distance, sirens began to wail.

“Let’s go then,” he said, taking my hand.

We began to run and I knew that today I had traded safety for the chance at something far more essential — freedom.

Now that I knew it was out there, I was going to run, and run, and run until I found it.

And when I found it, I would never let it go.