The absolution of Zachary Starks.

Four pairs of resentful eyes meet mine, not knowing what to do with themselves for one, excruciatingly long minute. I gulp a mix of air and saliva. My eyelids switch to acceleration mode; blinking uncontrollably, just the way they do every time adversity pays me a visit.

It's typical that I make life harder than it should be, always circling the drain reaching for a life jacket that isn't there to rescue me from yours truly—myself. Maybe, I was created after God had one too many, and my efforts are slightly on the odd and defective side. Or maybe I have a giant bad luck magnet tucked away in my brain. It sure felt like it after being voted most likely to die from tripping over their own feet. What if my ultimate purpose in life is to be the highlight of a bad time… indefinitely. I really don't know what the answer is.

"What the fuck dude! Now we have to wait to finish this!" Edwin says as he rips open a new pack of smokes. Edwin has a strong presence in our group and believes he is 'The Man'. Unreasonable is his middle name, therefore, was voted most likely to serve time in jail for assault.

"Great job, Zach! You're messing with my brain right now! This tops the time when you thought it was a great idea to spike the punch at Lauren’s wedding, not knowing kids would be drinking it too." Dustin says, stomping away in disappointment. He's the promiscuous one, a ladies' man, and was voted most likely to get his 'junk' stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

"Man, Zach! Are you trying to give us a coronary. People have been known to die from distress, you know." Jaden says, as he joins Dustin in the opposite corner of the room. He is quite the pessimist and was voted most likely to hibernate for the rest of his life after graduation.

"It’s okay, bro. Those guys will get over it. Just promise me one thing... DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN! Interruptions make me crazy! We are on a strict schedule and can't afford ANY interruptions!" Michael says in all his glory as he goes to look out the window, hoping no one heard him shouting. Michael is the smooth talker and was voted most likely to become a con artist. He, of course, became a car salesman.

I'm not all that bad. I've done constructive things in the past, even heroic things like the time I rescued a butterfly from a spider's web. I'm sure it appreciated being saved from the perils of being wrapped in silk just to be gobbled up later.

I decide it's time to stick up for myself. Too many instances I have heard shouting directed to my ears. Too many of those times I have let it go. I may be a fuckup but I'm still human.

"Look guys, I'm sorry! You can get mad all you want. This isn't like the end of the world, is it? I’m sick and tired of always feeling like you're the perfect ones and I only exist to be the destructive balance in your lofty worlds. We’ve been friends since what, junior high? If you haven’t accepted me for my attraction to misfortune by now, you never will, and I might as well leave and never come back... Remember that time camping and Dustin got poison ivy and I volunteered to hike back to the car and drive to the nearest drug store for ointment? No one even thanked me for that! How about the time when we couldn’t get the tap to work on the keg at Micheal's college grad party. I saved the day by having my Uncle Ruben come over to fix it. Was I ever thanked for that? No! I have had some terrible things happen to me and sorry for bringing some of you on that ride, but I’m no punching bag. I don't get off being talked down to. I have feelings, and you know what? Those feelings are about to punch a hole in the wall right now!"

Looking around the room at their faces, I notice my heavy breathing is louder than anything else. I render them speechless but can't tell if my bout of venting penetrates their thick skulls. Bad timing was the sound of Dustin cracking a beer, swiftly answering my inner questioning.

"Hey guys the weird ad is over, Dawson's Creek is coming back on!" Edwin shouts.

As if I had said nothing, they all rush back to their viewing spots, knocking over beer cans and bowls of popcorn in the process, not giving a shit that I am still pumped and need a response. Typical for us men to shove anything requiring emotional input to the side.

"Wait a second guys, pause it for a moment. Zach has a point! Are we gonna let a TV show come between us?" Michael says, he gains their attention, then directs that attention towards me. "Look, Zachy. Don't take shit so personal. We love you, bro! You know that! It's just sometimes I wish you would think before you act. You are too...uh, what's the word?"

Jaden shouts-

"Worrisome?"

"Nah... That's not it... Enthusiastic! You are too enthusiastic and just need to chill and get it together, man. You've got a good head on your shoulders, use it wisely. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm sorry for making you feel like shit. I had no idea. Just please please please, don't ever scan one of those codes on the TV screen again. It's just a bunch of crap aimed at emptying your wallet."

"Yeah, sorry. I thought the ad would just show up on my phone. I guess this means I should put it away... I'm okay with that! So, we good?"

A few mumbles exchange as Dustin rudely belches. I take it as a yes. Edwin tosses me a beer, I put my phone away and join in the excitement that Dawson is about to kiss Josephine for the first time. I'm not even sure how we started watching this cheesy show from the late nineties, but we're hooked till the end now and gives us a reason to get together and binge. Much better than bowling... or the casino...or the strip club. Okay, maybe not better than the strip club...

Triumphant is the feeling I’m left with after screwing up this time. Our little break in the show led to some much-needed respect and taught us a lesson... well, not Jaden. He's still sulking over why he wasn't invited camping that time...