"Suspicious"

A: Suspicious.

J: Very.

A: Open it.

J: You first. It’s addressed to you.

A: It’s not mine, and I don’t trust you.

J: It’s not mine either, and I don’t trust you.

A: That’s false. What is it?

J: How should I know? It turned up on your doorstep.

A: Suspicious.

J: You said that already.

A: It’s very… plain-looking. Is that your handwriting?

J: No. But you like brown, right? And it’s biodegradable, too.

A: That’s a plus. Suppose it’s a bomb?

J: Might be. That’s why you’re opening it.

A: With you standing so close, you’d blow up too.

J: Eh, it’s not big enough to be a bomb, anyway.

A: Still, it’s not unlike you. To put a bomb in the mail, make out like you didn’t know.

J: Now why would I do that?

A: Well, you are a supervillain; I certainly wouldn’t put it past you.

J: Well, you are a superhero, so maybe you switched it when I wasn’t looking. Maybe it’s some gadget that will—oh alright, I know it wasn’t you.

A: Aha, so it was you. Are you coming inside or not? I just made tea.

J: And what if it was me? You trust me, don’t you?

A: I just told you I don’t.

J: But you lied. I know you lied.

A: I never lie.

J: Really.

A: Well, maybe sometimes, but not to you. I mean… well it’s not really lying is it? You always know.

J: I hang around a lot of liars.

A: And a lot of criminals.

J: I am a criminal, what do you expect?

A: I’m not sure. You know, you’re acting rather strange today. What are you hiding?

J: Why would I be hiding something? Look at me; I’m an open book.

A: Not crafting any evil plans, then?

J: You know I don’t craft the evil ones, that’s not my department.

A: But you execute them. You cause trouble.

J: Eh, call it what you will. I say the world could do with a bit of excitement. A bit of change. I’m out there trying to change the world. Isn’t that supposed to be a good thing?

A: Not when people get hurt it’s not.

J: Since when have I ever hurt anyone?

A: You tried to assassinate the president!

J: Wha—oh come on, that was back in 2017, you’re not actually going to hold that against me.

A: I absolutely am.

J: No, you’re not, because you hated him too. Admit it.

A: I don’t go around killing people I hate.

J: I didn’t kill him. I just tried to. Big difference there.

A: Alright well, what about the heat wave in 2015? I know that you and your… gang worked to amplify that.

J: Look, if I work to alter the temperature a bit, people will start to think climate change is real. You wanted to save the penguins or whatever, right?

A: Yes, but many people died in that heat wave!

J: There’s just no pleasing you, is there?

A: And I suppose you probably also helped to spread this virus, didn’t you? Causing chaos and mayhem, making everyone so miserable?

J: Ah, yeah, that. We developed this new compound in the lab—oh it’s not that bad. Just gave some dumb kids a bit of sniffles to scare 'em. Completely Covid-free. They’ll stay home, and they’ll all be fine. Miserable, mind you, driving their parents bonkers, but… fine. That one was my idea. After all, the world is now effectively shut down.

A: Could be worse. Sugar or honey?

J: No thanks. Are you going to open that now?

A: I don’t see why I should.

J: Open it; it’s yours.

A: Hm. What will you give me? If I open it? ...Don’t look at me like that.

J: Like what?

A: You know exactly.

J: If you say so. Look, I’ll get you chocolate. The kind you like, with caramel, from, ah, what’s the name, the bakery on the corner.

A: You know the name of the bakery on the corner.

J: I don’t. I never go there; can’t remember it.

A: It’s not even open, you know. With the pandemic, and all. It’s all order-out.

J: Yeah, funny thing; I think it just opened up again. And you like the walk, right?

A: I do. Fine, give it here, then. Do you have scissors?

J: Ah, you can just tear it; I don’t really care.

A: I do care. Scissors. Now.

J: As you wish.

A: There’s a love.

J: ...Here you go.

A: Thank you. I just want to do this... the right way, that’s all.

J: So you think you know what’s inside? Didn’t know that you had telepathy.

A: Oh, it’s almost certainly a bomb. ...Hm, how curious. Another box.

J: Suspicious.

A: That’s my line.

J: It’s mine now. I’m more, ah, suspicious than you are, am I right? It should be mine.

A: There’s a bow on it.

J: Maybe it’s a present.

A: I wonder who it’s from.

J: I wouldn’t know.

A: The color matches my hat.

J See? it’s for you.

A: When are we going out to get chocolates, by the way?

J: Ah, after this, maybe?

A: Yes, that sounds nice. Now, let’s see… Oh. Aw, Jamie—

J: Don’t call me that.

A: Love?

J: Don’t call me that either.

A: Darling…

J: Will you cut it out? Don’t ruin this by making it all… sappy.

A: You like it when I’m sappy, though.

J: I do not.

A: You’re blushing.

J: Yeah, because you’re being... stupid, and it’s embarrassing.

A: Well, aren’t you going to get down on one knee?

J: I’m a supervillain, we don’t—Oh fine. Will you—

A: I’ll think about it.

J: You’ve got to be joking.

A: Just let me finish my tea first. Did I say you could get up?

J: I hate you.

A: Well you shouldn’t go proposing to someone you hate.

J: Well you shouldn’t be, erm, considering—are you considering? You are considering, right?

A: No, my mind is made up. This is very pretty, by the way; where did you get it? ...What’s that? Couldn’t hear you.

J: Made it.

A: Ahhh, that would explain, the ah, hm... what does this do?

J: Yeah, maybe don’t press—Yikes.

A: ...Oh dear. Do you think the neighbors heard that?

J: Fireworks. We’ll tell them it was fireworks.

A: I’m not sure they’d buy it. Mrs. Tate next door is very nosy, you know.

J: Something could happen to her.

A: I’m going to pretend I didn’t just hear you say that.

J: I’ll have to tinker with it a bit more, I suppose. Sorry about that.

A: It’s quite alright, no harm done. Well, except for the ceiling.

J: You finished your tea.

A: Yes, I did.

J: Can I get up now?

A: If you want.

J: And your answer?

A: Yes. But, only after chocolates.

J: Fair enough. Wait, are you aware—The box, it actually is a b-

A: Don’t worry, dear, I already deactivated it. Shall we be off then?

J: ...Yeah. Let’s go. After you.