Sunlight of the Clandestine

Monday

The cat that comes to see me is a chubby tabby with long gray fur and a squished pink nose. I don’t know where it came from, or how it came and went, but I know it is a cat by the pictures in the Tom Kitten book that Pa gave me last year.

Cat isn’t here right now. It’s just me sitting at the wooden desk that Pa built. The light from my lamp is irritating my eyes.

I was confused when Mama brought me this new book with blank pages and told me that I could write all of my thoughts in it. It’s called a journal, she said.

Mama has always told me that I look so much like the princesses in the stories they read to me when I was little. Mama said I was smart like Belle and had beautiful hair like Jasmine. So when she told me that my birthday is in a couple days, I told her I'll be thirteen and I wanted a mirror. I want to see myself in all the beautiful dresses Mama and Pa bring me!

She seemed sad when she told me loved me, that’s why she always kept me safe, and then she went back out the only door.

I always worry when she leaves. Something outside could hurt her.

I think I’ll lie down now. I can’t wait for my birthday.

Tuesday

Let me tell you about my home! It’s very cozy and everything is all mine! Mama says it's made of wood, which is the color of chocolate milk.

During the day, I can see light peeking through the gaps. I love to watch it dance on the walls. It changes color, too! Yellow and white, orange and finally a dark red, the color of Mama's lips, before it turns to black.

Oh! I can’t forget to tell you about the walls! They are so beautiful and filled with color, thanks to the paintings Mama brings me every now and then.

Mama is a wonderful artist. The one she just made for me a few weeks ago, she calls “Starry Night.” There are swirls of yellow and white in the blue sky, a tiny town in the background and a big, black tree in the front.

Anyways, my bed is on the floor, tucked in the darkest corner of my home. The sheets are fluffy and blue. Cat sometimes lays under my feet when I sleep.

I have lots of pretty carpets with all different designs covering the floors. They’re soft on my feet while I dance or play.

A few years ago, Pa brought me something he called a tape player and tons of these little black rectangles that play music when I pop them in. Now, I always play music while I’m awake.

It's sitting beside me on the desk that I’m writing on now, but it's not playing any music. The batteries died earlier today.

I have a white folding table with a pink table cloth beside the shiny, black frigidaire where I keep all the juices and snacks they bring me. This is where Mama and Pa will come bring and eat meals with me sometimes, but mostly where I eat by myself.

I know it’s too dangerous outside for them to come every day.

My bookshelf is chipped with white paint but it is nearly filled completely with books. These are Pa’s favorite thing to bring me.

I’m so happy to have people like Mama and Pa who give me presents so often.

My favorite possession is the second floor of my home. It is close to the ceiling, but Pa built a ladder for me when I turned ten. The second story is the place where my home is brightest, and it's my favorite place to read. Pa set up a soft mattress with lots of pillows.

Cat came while I was reading. It’s beside me on the top mattress, its fat belly facing the sun. Neither Mama or Pa has come yet so I’m eating the fruit that Mama chopped and brought me yesterday. She said it’s a watermelon—it’s really juicy and kind of messy.

Wednesday

It’s early, I think, because I’m still sleepy and the light outside is very dim. I’m only awake because I heard Pa come. I was excited he came, but he seemed to be upset—I could hear him grumbling and slamming things around.

I saw him stop and look at me for a moment but I pretended I was still asleep. He looked very sad.

Now, it is very quiet except for the wind I can hear outside. I hope that Pa and Mama are safe. They always risk so much by coming to take care of me.

Thursday

I just remembered Mama brought me a new green dress a few weeks ago and I have decided to wear it. It's so soft and bounces but I can't play music and dance because Pa hasn't brought me batteries yet.

Cat has been gone since yesterday. I hope Pa is okay and nothing snatched him when he left. Maybe the dangers outside got Cat, too. I must get those thoughts out of my mind. They always came back.

Friday

I am very scared, but I am being very quiet.

Cat came earlier while I was pretending to be Alice looking for the white rabbit. I was so happy to see it, but when I tried to hug it, it ran back through a rather large gap in the wall behind the bookshelf. It did this a few more times and its meowing were louder than usual.

Then I heard whispers— I thought I imagined it.

I saw shadows underneath the big door that Mama and Pa come from, and it sounded like something trying to get in. For a few moments, there were more sounds from the intruder until, finally, whatever it was had gone.

It must have been one of the things Mama and Pa keep me safe from, so I have not made a sound since hearing it.

I should ask Pa to close that gap when he can. I don’t want anything outside taking Cat away from me.

Sunday

It’s been a few days since my last journal, but I am not the same as I was then. Back then, I had Mama and Pa and Cat and all my books and toys and a beautiful home. I don’t have any of that now.

That same night, I heard the voices again and then the door exploded open.

I hid on the second floor and watched the intruders creep around my home. One of them noticed me, and soon I saw color flashing blue and red through the gaps. I had never seen lights that color-- they danced on the faces of the creatures I hid from.

Then, more came in—they wore blue outfits and had thick mustaches like Pa. The creatures speak the same words as me. They have teeth and eyes and walk on two legs like Mama and Pa and me. I’m not convinced that this isn’t a trick.

I hate the new home they have put me in. No, I won't call it that.

Blue-outfits took me here and call it a “hospital.” It's dull and everything is white. I miss the colors of my home.

The bed is thin and uncomfortable, but when I sleep is the only time they turn off the awful bright lights.

They say it is where I am going to get better, but I don’t feel sick.

They did bring me some of my things, including my journal. I’m glad I have somewhere to write all of my thoughts again.

One of them said she wanted to clean me up, but I bit her when she touched me. They’ve left me alone since then.

I miss Cat and hope it’s okay. All of this must be why Mama and Pa kept me safe in my home.

Monday

I’m sorry, journal, I don't know what time it is.

A tall creature in a white coat came earlier. I hid my face. I won’t say anything until Mama and Pa are here.

He said he was here to help.

He said my name is Bethany—it took them a while to figure it out, since I’ve been gone so long. He said my "real parents" live a few states over and are very excited to know I’m okay.

He said he needed to speak to me about the people that kept me in the “barn” and why they left me there. I realized that he knew where Mama and Pa were; he said they were gone and could never hurt me again. This made me so angry.

I can remember crossing the room and jumping like Curious George, scratching wildly like Cat when it chased a mouse. I woke up in the bed sometime after the creature had left. I am very sleepy.

They’ve kept lights dim since I’ve been awake.

I just want to go home.

Someday

I’m thirteen today. The nice one whispered it to me, since I have lost track of time.

Earlier, they led me to where I was scrubbed clean. They steered me into the room with a tub and cold tile, and I was too groggy to resist them when they held me up and undressed me.

The nice one pointed to the object standing in the far corner and told the other to take the mirror away.

Can you believe it, journal?! A mirror on my birthday! I could see one of the creatures looking back through it. I imagined my own reflection, skin and hair shining like the princesses in all of Mama's stories.

They didn’t stop me when I went to look at myself but I wish they had.

I tried to count the ribs underneath my dirty skin—I looked like Cat after he rolls in mud. My hair is wild and black as Pa's pipe smoke. It sticks in every direction. My teeth are yellow and small.

I don’t even think my prettiest green dress would make me look like Princess Jasmine.

The nice one said she would bring some things to untangle the knots in my hair for me, as a birthday gift-- if I wanted. I have not decided if I will let her.

After all, it's my thirteenth birthday and I should be excited.

I just wish Mama were here.