St Fandom Academy Part 10

The tearoom for the staff was a modest display. Wooden tatami floors, and cushions all around the floor. Blackadder thought surely the school couldn't be so poor that they couldn't afford tables and chairs. Blackadder observed the orange swirls and the upcycled curtains. He felt he had entered a festival tent filled with weed. The scent of the tea didn't help either. In the tea room were Professor Snape, Miss Lust, Mr Mackey, and Paddington Bear. Seeing all of them together in one room made Blackadder feel as if he had walked in on a live-action remake of a Disney film. It was a true colour clash with Snape and Lust's black attire, Mr Mackey's green standing out from the walls, and Paddington Bear's blue coat and red hat against the pink curtains in the bottom-left corner.

"This is different," Baldrick said. "So where shall we sit?"

Blackadder rolled his eyes. "On your knees."

Baldrick nodded. "Okay. You first!"

The other teachers looked at them before going back into their conversation. Paddington Bear was the first to speak. "I think something needs to be done about Vicky Pollard, She keeps saying things that are simply not true."

Professor Snape shrugged his shoulders as he read a book. "I would take everything Miss Pollard says with a pinch of salt."

Miss Lust nodded. "She's harmless."

"That's what you think," Paddington Bear said, displaying a face of concern. "She's made some very serious allegations lately."

"She said I sleep with students," Miss Lust said, sighing.

"I think she's hilarious!" Mr Bean croaked, got his teddybear from out of his pocket, and moved it to make it look like the teddy was in hysterics. "She'll make a great comedian one day."

"She insisted that a male student has four kids with four different women," Professor Snape said, making every syllable count. "Completly impossible."

“Actually it is possible,” Baldrick said.

Blackadder rolled his eyes and slammed his coffee mug on the table. “Really? Just out of curiosity, what is your explanation?”

“So let’s the boy's has got four children by five different women as Vicky claims,” Baldrick drew 9 stick men on the scrap paper by Blackadder’s coffee mug. “So let’s say one of the kid’s mother is a lesbian, that explains the one extra parent. The thing is we don’t know how many kids each of the mums had. So let’s say Ash donated his stuff to a lesbian couple that had a child. One of them has twins and then one has just one. Then cut one of the three women remaining in half that way it is possible for Ash to have four kids by five different women.”

Paddington Bear spat his tea back in his cup. "The mutilation doesn't sound necessary."

“Your explanation is about as logical and sane as the alternate evolved form of Bulbasaur. Which is a wooden dancing Pokémon with two eggs and a pumpkin dress the size of Buckingham Palace.”

“Umm Blackadder,” Mr Mackey said. “ I don’t think there is such a Pokémon.”

Blackadder grinned. “That is precisely my point.”

"Well," Mr Mackey scratched his head as he spoke. "We can't expel Vicky because if we expel her, the British government will stop sending us money. And if there's no money, then the school closes...M'kay!"

"Was she not chosen by Celebi?" Blackadder asked.

"Vicky Pollard is the exception. You see this school is for students who missed out on a mainstream education to achieve their dreams. Now they've made their dreams come true, it's time for them to become respectable members of the community and finish their education."

"That sounds about as genuine as an apology from Boris Johnson."

"Oh no," Paddington Bear grumbled, covering his eyes with his hat. "Not this again!"

Originally posted on Wattpad and Archive of Our Own.