So I Was Probably a French Fugitive- Part 3 and Part 4

I cannot stress the importance of not only your passport but quick maths.

The Importance of knowing what’s going on linguistically and mathematically probably will save your ass. No matter the language, you should always know when you have to run or when you have to stay put.

Since math is universal, being able to calculate the distance. metric system or not probably will get you out of trouble, on my case realizing you are in serious trouble.

This is a metered cab and we have run into crazy traffic getting out of Paris. It is somehow 8:30 AM and it looks like we’re in rush hour traffic. The meter might as well sound like a grandfather clock as it ticks away loudly in my head as it creeps over be €70 Mark.

Quick math tells me that at this rate, it’ll be €150 one-way. This is fine because I have €150 right here in my pocket.

At least I thought I did. I reached into my pocket and I only pull out €100. I attribute it to me being hungover and uncomfortable in a very quiet car. He didn’t even put on music which was strange.

After patting myself down, I realized in my euphoria the fact that Mr. Snooty only asked for my license, I had my license in a little plastic slip and as was the case while traveling I would hide money places just in case.

€50 here €100 there.

50 euros were in the damn plastic slip

In principle, it's a sound plan and later on in my career, it would save my life. However, as of this moment, I am in deep shit. I probably wouldn’t have been “The Blonde” didn’t take her finder's fee

So now I’m supposed to just give him half of the cost of the ride when he gets me to the airport. I am panicking because this is all about to go bad. One of the important things to know about me is if I’m not feeling the situation, not having a good day, my energy is palpable. I can’t hide shit.

The driver felt this and breaks now 40 minutes silence by asking in broken English “what’s wrong”

I have to distract this man.If he realizes I’m looking for money or short he’s going to turn this thing around and I’ll be sitting in the french prison by lunch

I proceeded to tell the worst lie I’ve ever told in life. I looked up from the phone with tears that have come in on their own and said my father died

Now before you judge, until literally two years ago my father and I have been estranged. I haven’t spoken to him at that point since I was 7th birthday after my parents got divorced.

Realistically, this would be the first of three times my father's “death” has gotten me out of trouble.

In my head, this is the least he can do, but enough of my daddy issues. We’re cool now for the most part. Yes, he knows about it.

Anyway, the death of a parent is a universal thing and my driver does his absolute best in both English and French to console this giant man in the backseat of his car who deserves an Oscar nomination.

He finally turns on the radio end it was randomly Telemundo-level Spanish music. “Super eclectic stations out here,” I thought to myself. I look back at it now and it was a harbinger of what’s to come.

Somehow we became cool, finding a way to communicate and it helps the time go by pretty fast. So at the end of this, I’m pretty sure not only does he hate me but he probably hates Americans in general regardless of color if he didn’t already

As we got closer to the airport I realize I still had to find the other €50 I had to give him. Sticking with the hidden money in specific places I go through my bag and then it dawned on me… I take off my sneaker and there it was a 3 20 euro bill folded in my shoe.

He’ll get a tip at least.

I’m sort of saved but I still haven’t figured out how I’m going to get to my flight and ditch the driver.

Pull up to Charles de Gaulle airport and it’s not as busy as I thought it would be but there are a ton of cops and these guys are very serious about their job. He pulls over so I can quickly get out of the car grabbing all of my bags as fast as I can. His demeanor has changed completely and he is determined to help me with these bags but also make sure that I come right back to the car.

Suddenly I hear the sound of a quick and abrupt siren and automatically think the hotel has figured out my plan and it’s come to arrest me ahead of time. In all actuality, the police were getting the driver's attention and telling him he could not park where he was and he would have to go around the loop.

This was my fucking chance. He doesn’t dare argue with the cops and immediately runs to his car, points to me then points to a spot essentially saying “ be saying here when I get back”

I gave him a cursory wave and then think just for a second I’m home free. All I have to do is get to the desk, check in my bags go to security, and by the time he tries to do anything I’ll stay out of sight enough for me to get on the plane and get out of France.

As the saying goes “this shit finna to be a breeze”

I get to the airline desk struggling to carry all three of my giant bags and nobody’s there.

It is now 930

There have been no announced delays but there’s nowhere for me to check-in. Less than three minutes go by when I look out the window and see the driver has come back but he tries to park and immediately is pushed off by the French airport police

At this point, I start to panic again but I noticed there’s a lot of people sitting around the area of the check-in desk. Realistically, given my experience with the French at that time, I was pretty excited to see a brown person I’ll be honest

I did not however expect it to be a Mexican brown person

Again I’m 23 I have only left the country year ago and the only Mexicans I’ve ever known happen to be living in Mexico or the United States.

It wasn’t just one Mexican person though, it was a family of 17

I did not know the history of Mexico and Austria at all. But it’s quite a bit. Specifically to this family who I will call “the Lopez family”. They were descendent from Maximilian’s wife or Maximillion himself and every year they go to Austria for a family reunion of sorts.

Anyway, I walk up to “mama Lopez” who explains to me that the woman at the desk was changing shifts and didn’t wait for the next person to arrive so we had to wait.

(Let me just say if you don’t know how bad ass French workers are, do some research when a shift is over it’s over and they are gone.(

As she says this, I look up out the window and there’s my driver again this time he doesn’t even get a chance to park and slowly drives by the French police who appeared to be annoyed as they wave him off again

I look back over my shoulder and see that the Front desk woman has returned and I might’ve knocked over a few 60 and 70-year-olds also get in front of that line. Though I don’t know why I was in such a rush considering I would still have the wait at the longest security line in the HISTORY OF AIRPORTS

I’ll check my bag again, sit down in a panic and eventually talk so much to this entire family to calm down that I stopped checking for my driver which is just dumb on my part. I told them everything about my life and they did the same. They introduced me to their two daughters and their four sons… The two daughters are near my age and now that I think about it it’s sort of felt like they were trying to set me up.

We continue the conversation on the security line and I am getting closer to being able to at the very least hide on the other side of security so by the time the driver puts two and two together I’ll be on a plane

I am three people away from the metal detect when suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and there’s the driver and three not-so-happy French police officers

I am 100% fucked

Part 4

I guess at this criminal level of apparent theft, I’m looking at two years If I’m lucky they’ll extradite me and ban me from their country. If I’m unlucky, I don’t even wanna assume what a French prison looks or smells like And I watched too many period movies to let my imagination dictate that.

I’ll have a goddamn heart attack.

Every scenario in my head is dire and somehow with my face plastered all over CNN

If I could imagine being embarrassed to the point of dying… This might be it. Does this make me a felon everywhere? I was so naïve to the situation I didn’t even know the correct answers to any of these dumb ass questions

I snapped out of it as the French police asked me for my identification in French. With my last defiant breath, I pretend I have no clue what he’s talking about.

Of course, he speaks perfect English though.

He proceeds to ask me where am I heading and I say “Vienna”. He explained to me that the driver who is now red with anger told him of a particular situation regarding me and having to go back to the hotel pay an outstanding bill. The driver is speaking French and furious(get it?)Despite all this, I still can’t get over how good this Chinese man's French is.

It’s sort of astounding.

The other French officer begins to circle behind me and I ,never being arrested, instinctually for whatever reason put my hands behind my back. I know I’m done.

Suddenly, like a Spanish angel “Mama Lopez” and her daughter, the one I believe that they were trying to set me up with, come running through security causing quite the scene. She initially screamed at them in Spanish which automatically puts the French police officer or his heels.

If these cops speak Spanish too I’m gonna pass out.

He doesn’t understand her so she says in English “what are you doing with Kevin?”

The officer looks at her ask “Do you know this man”

She says “yes”and says “I’m her daughter’s fiancé.”

I am in utter shock as her daughter immediately grabs my hand and puts her head on my shoulders.

Officer being skeptical gives her a long look before “Mama Lopez” proceeds to recite my entire life story. The life story I told them while waiting for the check-in clerk to return. She doesn’t embellish anything. Her Oscar-worthy performance causes the officer to call the other officers over into a quiet huddle.

At this point, he still has my passport and after about two minutes he walks over and hands me my passport and says

“there has been a mistake sorry to have disturbed you”

The driver and I say at the same time “what? “

I begin to walk toward the metal detector and the driver goes apeshit shoving one of the police officers. He starts walking toward me when suddenly he drops to the ground as the second police officer who circled behind me decided to tase him.

I walked through the metal detector as I hear this man screaming then being dragged out screaming even more probably To the effect of call you’re lying piece of shit “fuck Americans” “ I hate tall black people” or whatever it is

I’ll make it to Austria in one piece and remain friends with “The Lopez” to this day

I have not even crossed into Paris since this day and have gone out of my way to avoid any connecting flights for fear of my face being on the water posters at the bottom of the Eiffel tower