She Couldn't Possibly

Avi walked off the stage with tears in his eyes. He’d expected that, what he hadn’t expected was the pain he felt, it was worse than when he’d made the announcement. It was really hitting him; this was it, his last show with Pentatonix.

He stops at the bottom of the steps off the stage. This was actually the end, six years of touring and performing and making music with these people, done. And it damn well hurt.

It hadn’t felt like the end with the announcement because they still had the tour to come. Now tour was done, and for Avi tour had never been over so quickly. Usually he was beyond relieved to get back off tour, meeting the fans was great, it was the best part, but he missed home. He always got homesick, and missed being able to get out into nature when he needed to, he missed his parents, his home, Aleen and Endeavour Studios. But not this time: this time he’d savored every minute with these people, he hadn’t wanted tour to end, and that’s why it hurt so bad.

His heart was breaking, he was sure of it. He knew leaving was the right thing for him to do, but it was still heart-breaking now that the final moment was actually here. He couldn’t stop tears falling, he was going to miss the band so much, they were his family and he was hardly going to get to see them anymore. They’ll continue touring without him, and then when they’re home from that they’ll want to spend time with their family, not him family though. He’d be last on their lists, Not Kevin’s, but the other three for sure.

No matter what was going on or how busy he was Kevin always had time for everyone and everything. He’s just good at time management like that.

The other three were just so busy with their solo projects, and Scott and Mitch had a million parties to go to and Kirstie had her wedding. Even when her wedding was done she wouldn’t want to hang with him because of Jeremy. Avi might get a day with Scott and Mitch at some point in the distant future; he had to hope for at least that much.

It seemed like forever until someone finally came over to him. Scott draped an arm over Avi shoulders, gently squeezing his arm. “What are you doing over here all by yourself?” he asks.

Avi shrugs, “Realising I suppose.” His voice hitches.

“Realising what exactly?”

“That it’s over for me. And I thought I’d be fine but I’m not,” he says through tears.

Scott pulls him into a hug, “It’s really hitting you now huh? Well you know you made the right decision for you. I do too, I know that you made the right decision. You just look too damn happy in your Sequoia videos,” he shrugs. “We want you to stay, but there was no way we could make you when it’s something else that truly makes you happy.”

“I already made the announcement anyway,” Avi chuckles, wiping his eyes as Scott pulls away.

“That you did,” Scott smiles. “Come on though, I don’t want you standing over here by yourself. It’s your last show, and we need a drink and a last tour bus party. Yeah we have hotel rooms, but you know, tour bus party!” he laughs.

Avi smiles, he was never a tour bus party type, but he had to attend this one, had to. He wouldn’t be able to stay too long though, it’d make him too upset if he did.

It continued much like this as Avi tried to make his way to the dressing rooms. He was getting stopped by everyone, receiving so many hugs, a lot of them from people he may never see again. And every time he thought that he’d tear up all over again and get even more hugs.

The only constant, by his side through most of this backstage journey, and in fact his life, was Esther. It was worst of all to think that he’d hardly get to see her anymore either. She was still Pentatonix’s Tour Manager; she wasn’t stopping because he was. The tears wouldn’t stop now, not thinking about his sister whom he loved so very much. They didn’t even live in the same state anymore; at least the other members of Pentatonix lived in California, same as him.

Why the fuck couldn’t he stop crying? This was supposed to be something that would make him happy, but he was hurting right now.

…

He’d certainly had a few. The tour bus party was less of a party at first and more of a lets watch old PTX videos and make everyone cry and want to drink heaps. Then the dancing happened and it being Scott and Mitch that started it, the dancing got real inappropriate real quick. Avi wasn’t in for that, but at least it made him laugh.

The whole time, just about, Avi had an arm around his shoulders, and always someone beside him. He didn’t really move from his spot and he didn’t have to, the people came to him, the snacks came to him, and the drinks: they definitely came to him. There was even barbeque early on, someone piled it high on a plate for him and that certainly made him happy.

It wasn’t until near the end of the party, when everyone was well and truly drunk, bar Kevin: that Kirstie, who was sitting right across the bus from him, made eye contact with Avi. And then when Scott got up from beside the bearded man, she dived across the bus. Sure she’d been dancing and sure she’d been drinking, that was apparent with the big goofy smile she gave Avi and when she slung her arm over his shoulders like everyone had been doing all night. But being Kirstie she still felt the need to ask if that was alright, just like she had apologised after she outright hugged him on stage earlier. He was fine with hugging her and talking to her and being her friend. It had been Kirstie that a couple of years ago said that they needed to cool their friendship, things with her and Jeremy were getting serious and the fans shipping Kavi was just too much. She was adamant that they should break up as friends, as if that were a thing. She thought it would stop the fans shipping her and Avi, she was wrong, so, so wrong. Avi had always found the shipping a little weird as well, but he never thought it would be worth losing a special friendship over.

And now it was awkward, as usual, only less so because of the alcohol coursing through the two of them.

After a while she leans a little closer to speak to him so that he can hear her over the music. She didn’t want to shout, and it was important.

“I need to talk to you. But not here, I’ll meet you at your room later.”

He doesn’t look directly at her, only out of the corner of his eye. He wasn’t sure he heard her right, but he didn’t get a chance to confirm because as quickly as she had come, she was gone, back on her side of the bus.

Avi didn’t get it, two years of talking to him the bare minimum that she could and now that this was his last day, now she wanted to talk to him. It pissed him off a little when he thought about it. When he’d made the decision to leave she just got all snappy with him. She didn’t want to talk to him at all, not because of the whole ‘we’re not friends anymore’ thing, but because she was mad. He was pissed off because she was part of the reason he left. He felt the bad air between the two of them was affecting the band, and he just didn’t like that one of his best friends still hadn’t gotten over her thing and still didn’t want to be his friend anymore, he’d just had enough. And then there was everything else that just outweighed the reasons to stay, in fact the Kirstie part was tiny in the scheme of things.

He supposed she wanted to talk to him because this could very well be the last time they see each other. He wasn’t invited to her wedding so it very well could be.

…

The party wasn’t over but Avi had said his goodnights and went up to his room with a headache. He’d even said goodnight to Kirstie, and then she’d given him another hug. He didn’t know what time she’d be coming up to ‘talk’ but it was almost one in the morning now and he didn’t want to be up much longer.

But no sooner than he closed the door and sat down on the bed to take his shoes off, did she knock.

“Come in,” he calls.

She enters the room timidly, the Kirstie he’d been friends with two years ago wouldn’t have knocked, she’d have barged in and bounced onto the bed, star-fished, even if he was halfway through dressing himself. He had learned to lock the door on occasion. He’d missed that, her energy, it had always helped him though tour, she would be sick and still manage to share her positivity. It just so happened she stopped sharing that positivity with him and he stopped enjoying tour life, it could just be a coincidence though because that was also around the time the group had decided to take themselves more seriously.

She clicked the door shut behind her and lent on it, but didn’t say anything. Funny, he’d sworn that she said she wanted to talk to him.

He’s getting sick of the silence and is about to say something along those lines when she finally opens her mouth.

“You can’t leave.”

He just stares at her, she cannot be saying this now, it is too late. “You can’t not be my friend for two years then tell me not to go.”

She looks down, he could tell she was about to cry, she always looked down when she was about to cry. “I know I have no right to say that Avi, but after this tour that’s just how I feel. I’m sorry.”

“How you feel is selfish Kirstie, I’m doing this for my health, I need to be okay, to be happy because I’m not anymore.”

“No Avi, you’re selfish. That stupid sentence is just what you spit, you get homesick, well newsflash Avi we all miss our families and loved ones while we’re away, we all get homesick, we all have our problems and we’re all doing our own things but we’re still here. What happened to doing this for the rest of your life and doing it with us?”

Avi shakes his head, “I cannot keep up anymore, I just can’t. And I’m not enjoying it anymore, everything is piling up and making it suck, do you really want to make me keep doing something that is getting harder and harder to get up and do?”

“No,” she cries, “I don’t want that at all Avi. But if you’d talked to all of us before making your decision maybe we could have helped you? You said you didn’t want to slow the band down or hinder us in anyway right?” she doesn’t wait for his answer before continuing. “We would have slowed down for you and you know that. We are already far more successful than any of us ever expected, and we are happy where we are. But you leaving will hinder us Avi, don’t you get that? We have to find a new bass, who won’t be anywhere near as talented as you and then we have to teach him your parts and then I have to look to my right and it won’t be you, and it can’t not be you Avi.”

He had tears in his eyes again. He hadn’t thought about it like that. And he wished she had talked to him earlier, even if he probably would have still made the same decision he had.

“Does this change anything?” She asks quietly.

He shakes his head, “No Kirstie it doesn’t. I’m sorry.”

“So you still don’t even want to come to my wedding?”

Avi frowns, now he was confused. She hadn’t invited him to the wedding, Scott, Mitch, Kevin and even Esther all got their invites months ago but he hadn’t. He’d figured she’d said they weren’t friends so she didn’t invite him, he wasn’t surprised at all.

She watches him frown and so does herself, “You never RSVP’d. I figured that meant you didn’t want to come, even though I gave you a plus one and all, I thought you’d want to bring Aleen to shut Jeremy up,” she half laughs, nervously though it was a joke Jeremy thought was funny but no one else did.

“I didn’t RSVP because you didn’t invite me.”

Kirstie’s jaw drops, “I did so, that would have been so mean if I hadn’t. Like we haven’t been great friends for a while but it would be unfair if I invited the other three and then not you.”

“So my invite just got lost in the mail?” He laughs, somewhat relieved that she didn’t completely hate him.

Kirstie slowly shakes her head, “He didn’t post it,” she all but hisses.

If Avi wasn’t sitting down, he’d have to take a step back in fear. “What do you mean he didn’t post it?” he asks slowly.

Kirstie drops down beside him on the bed, “Jeremy didn’t post your invite. I’d bet Olaf and Pascal on it.” Wow she is serious.

“Don’t say that, I’m sure he didn’t do that,” he sighs.

“Oh but he did. He just hoped I wouldn’t realise what he’d done. We had a fight Avi, that’s how I know he didn’t.”

“I’m a little confused Kirstie,” he tells her honestly.

“Jeremy didn’t want to invite you, we argued about it, I won and then your letter just so happened to get lost in the mail, I don’t think so. He volunteered to post the invites, I should have known,” she drops her head into her hands.

“I guess that makes sense. But what doesn’t is why does Jeremy hate me? What did I do to him that he doesn’t want me at the wedding?”

“Nothing, you didn’t do anything Avi, it’s my fault. I made the mistake of telling him about the crush I had on you forever ago,” she turns bright red.

Avi raises an eyebrow, “You had a crush on me?” he asks with surprise.

She nods, “Sure did,” she plays with her hands, wishing he’d change the subject.

“I guess everything makes sense then. You told Jeremy that you had a crush on me a while back and he went beserko, so you promised him you’d avoid me. This was about two years ago and this is why we aren’t friends anymore, as well as the shipping business because I bet that made him uncomfortable too. Am I right?”

“You figured that out quickly,” she nervously laughs, her face still red because he keeps mentioning it.

“Wow, so I was never Jeremy’s biggest fan, but that’s not cool that you had to give up a good friend who had always thought you were way out his league, to keep your boyfriend happy. Just gonna come right out and say it: you deserve better that that.”

That last sentence made Kirstie mad, but she didn’t know if that was because it was rude of him to say, or if it was because he was right. She couldn’t pick, so she couldn’t tell him off for it. He took this as a win.

“Do you know the ironic thing?” Avi asks.

She shrugs, “Sure.”

“When me and Jess broke up, we said it was because the fans were mean to her, and it was partially because of that. But the other part was she reckoned I had a crush on you, she was right, but that’s not the point. The point is, the main reason we broke up: because she told me that I shouldn’t be friends with you. I was not about to commit to someone who thought they could dictate who my friends were.”

Kirstie’s eyes squeeze shut. That story was almost too ironic to believe, but what glory would Avi get in lying to her. He wasn’t trying to get her to dump Jeremy and be with him, he was happy with Aleen. All this was was him being the friend he used to be in putting her happiness above all else, something she’d always struggled with. She loved Jeremy, she really did, but there had always been a few nagging things about him that she hadn’t trusted but had pushed aside because she loved him. Things like he always got his way, and he was always so subtle about it that she never really noticed until Avi had put it into perspective for her today. Two examples being to do with Avi, her friendship with him and his invitation to the wedding. How had she not seen it before? How?

She started to tear up again and this time Avi pulls her in for a hug.

“We have to be friends again,” she tells him through hiccupped breaths.

“That’s all I wanted,” he says with a relieved breath that turns into a smile.

She chuckles a little, “I wonder how differently, if at all, our lives would have been if our crushes had lined up?”

“What if we’d had the guts to tell each other?”

“Yeah.”

“I think that maybe we could have been happy. If we’d lasted I certainly wouldn’t be leaving Pentatonix because I’d have the most important person in my life by my side, singing next to me at every show. It wouldn’t be awkward that the fans shipped us, we’d probably tease them for fun,” he chuckles and she does too. “We’d already be married, and I don’t know if we’d have two dogs like you already do, because of our touring life-style, but if we did it would be cooler if they had Game Of Thrones names.” They both laugh again. “We would eventually have to stop touring though, when you turn 28, because I know that was always the age that you said was perfect for having babies. I’d just hope that I’d be able to talk you forward a year so that I’m not over 30. But I see that as nothing but happiness.”

She cuddles into him a little more, sniffling through her chuckles. “You’ve certainly thought that through haven’t you?”

“I’ll be honest with you Kirst, it took Aleen to get over you.”

Her breath stops, he’d liked her for that long? Since Jess, until Aleen, their crushes overlapped after all, and knowing that hurt. It hurt to know that now he probably has all those baby plans with her, with Aleen, and now that he wasn’t with Pentatonix anymore… “You still liked me when I got engaged?” she blurts out in realisation.

“At that point I was maybe starting to get over you. I’d met Aleen but it wasn’t serious like it is now.”

“Baby serious?” She asks quietly.

Avi looks down at his hands. “She doesn’t believe in marriage and… she reckons she’s no good with kids, but I’m sure I’ll talk her around. I could live if we never got married, but… my life would not be complete if I didn’t have children one day.”

“Do you want to know the ironic thing?” she asks with a smirk.

“Sure,” he replies after a hearty laugh.

“You literally just told me not to let a partner take anything important from you. You said that you’re sure you’ll talk her around? She’s 27 Avi, she’s made up her mind by now, at this point she just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Aleen knows how badly you want kids right?”

Avi nods.

“Then it’s very selfish of her to be keeping you hanging on like she is. If she’s not going to have babies with you then you need to find someone who knows exactly how amazing a father you’re going to be one day.

Avi keeps his head down, full of sadness, he knew she was right, but he didn’t want to admit it. It’s a few moments before he speaks again, “Like you?”

“Like me what?” she asks even though she knows exactly what.

“You reckon I’ll be an amazing dad, you want children and will make an amazing mom, I need to find someone who is just like you.”

Again her face goes red. “I guess it’s too bad that we never realised that we both liked each other back then.”

“A real shame,” he nods slowly.

“Just…” She stops, she couldn’t ask that.

“What?”

She sighs, looking up, their eyes locking. “I have to know, I have to kiss you just once.”

He nods slowly, “Please do.”

She can’t even bring herself to smile as she leans in, they close their eyes and their lips softly meet. It’s only quick, only a few seconds, but it seems like forever to them.

But sometimes things are just too little too late.

End.