Saved By Chocolate Cake

Today started just like any other day for Sam, as she got up and tried to force herself into the shower before work. It was raining outside, pouring it down but what else could be expected on a Winter’s day in England. Typical British weather, it’d likely not let up anytime soon she thought as she reached for her thick winter coat and an umbrella.

As she gathered up her things and made her way downstairs, she couldn’t help but think today was the day. The house was quiet, everyone had already left for work hours ago. She had another hour before she had to be on shift. Deciding it didn’t matter if she was a little late she sat down and just enjoyed the silence for a moment, or at least she tried.

Her mind had been a barrage of thoughts, non-stop since last Thursday, and despite trying to call her psychiatrist they hadn’t yet got back to her. Intrusive thoughts were nothing new to Sam though, she’d lived practically all her life with them. If it wasn’t anxiety it was mania or depression, there was never an escape from her own mind. No matter how she tried to block it out, it was never quite enough and on days like these it was almost deafening. They were so loud - the thoughts in her mind, it was like being shouted at 24/7 by hundreds of people all at once, surrounding her without an escape.

She loved the silence but it was also her enemy, because it was in these solitary moments that her mind did the most damage; when no one was around to see or help. She’d spent years avoiding help and now she needed it and no one was there, what horrible irony. Maybe she’d left it too late to reach out? After all those years she finally confront her fears and went to see a psychiatrist. At that point she thought she was taking the first step to recovery but she’d been sorely mistaken. She left with answers and received a diagnosis, for all the good that did. Therapy sadly was non existent and medications didn’t seem to work. Always tweaking what she was on but all she gained was new side effects and symptoms that required only more medications. All she wanted was a moment’s peace, for just one day without the incessant voices in her mind.

On her walk to work she often found herself people watching, wondering what it must be like to have such a quiet mind. To only have that one inner voice talking to them. No intrusive thoughts, no suicidal thoughts and no mania. She couldn’t even imagine how peaceful that must be, and she wished for that more than anything in the world. All she wanted was to be ‘normal’ to not constantly have to fight her own mind every single day, just so she could get out of bed to go to a job she quite frankly hated but who likes their jobs now a days? It’s just a means to an end and if she can’t work she’s done for. They’d long since scrapped the government benefit schemes so she had to go to work every single day or she’d have no roof over her head nor be able to afford her very expensive appointments.

Whilst they had yet to work she hadn’t entirely given up hope. Some days she told herself it just takes time, eventually she’ll find the right medication, the right combination, at least she had to keep telling herself that or she’d never survive. She’d never make it to work and she might as well have given up as soon as she got the diagnosis.

Today was different though, she couldn’t shake off these thoughts like usual. No one was around and for months she’d had thoughts like this, but since last week they’d only gotten more intense. Worse than she’d ever experienced before. She had been going through a lot recently, what with her mother’s death and the virus still causing major lockdowns. The deathtoll is rising every day. She tries to avoid the news but her flatmates are glued to the telly as soon as they get home. Everyone’s in a constant state of panic, but she had to go to work. She was considered “essential”, although she wasn’t sure what was so essential, about delivering luxury goods to rich toffs in their private gated communities. Many of which had connections to the government, surprise surprise!

She really didn’t want to go into work today, thought about calling in sick but maybe it was best to say nothing at all. Either way though she knew she didn’t want to sit around inside all day, alone with her thoughts. That was it she decided she was going to take a day off, god knows she deserved it. Grabbing her meds, quickly gulping them down with orange juice she winced at the taste. The juice helped with the bitterness of her medications, especially the Lamictal she hated taking those.

It was chilly out, the rain was only a light drizzle but still enough for her to get out the umbrella she’d been carrying. The thoughts from earlier were playing on repeat, over and over and over in her mind. Screaming at her ‘Today is the day, Do It Sam. DO IT’. She couldn’t shake it off this time, trying to drown the voices out with music playing so loud she couldn’t hear the cars and people around her, but yet the voices in her mind were not any quieter. She wanted to scream at them to ‘SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP’ but it wouldn’t make them stop. It wouldn’t change anything, after all it’s all just in her head, right?

Visibly distressed she needed to get out of the rain and away from the road. She wasn’t safe out there, not with her head in this state, the voices practically goading and pleading with her to just end it all. The intrusive thoughts becoming so loud, taunting her to jump in front of a car, or go over to the bridge. The thing is though, she didn’t want to die, not really. All she wanted was for her thoughts to stop, she wanted this dark deep depression to end and for her to feel alive again, to feel happiness. But that feeling seems so distant it’s almost as if it were a dream, a fiction of her imagination, because how silly is the idea of happiness in a world like this? With a mind like hers, no she knew that she would never taste happiness again not in her lifetime.

There was an old dingy cafe at the end of the road, she quickly ducked inside and sat at the nearest table by the window. It was a rather drab place in rather need of some TLC. The food was like any other greasy spoon in London. They did however have a rather nice selection of what appeared to be home made cakes. They looked out of place in such a cheap dreary cafe. They were something you’d expect to see in one of those high end bakeries over on Islington or Mayfair, not here in our neighbourhood. There weren’t many customers, it seems she’d gotten there before the lunchtime rush. Soon this place would be over run with labourers looking for a quick cheap bite to eat.

A lovely older lady was making her way towards her. Sam had tried to keep her head down and go unnoticed. She didn’t want to be seen, right now she wanted to be invisible. She was so close to a breakdown, she just needed time to sit and sort her head out. She didn’t even have any money for a cup of tea let alone a meal. She knew if they came over she‘d be surely kicked out for not being a paying customer, but she couldn’t leave not like this not in this state she couldn’t trust herself, not when she was in this state of mind.

She reached Sam with pen and paper pad in hand, ready to take her order. At this point Sam lifted her head up and pulled down her hood, preparing herself to have to apologise and leave. As the lady looked at Sam she just sort of stood there for a moment, the both of them in silence before eventually she decided to sit down next to her. Sam wasn’t sure how to react. She introduced herself to Sam as Gladys and then looked at her with a look as if she could see right through. Almost as if she could tell what was going on inside Sam’s mind. She looked at Sam with not a look of pity but with one of deep understanding and empathy. Her deep hazel brown eyes filled with sadness as she recognised the signs in Sam that all was not well.

She’d noticed Sam come in and watched her for a moment you see, before deciding to come over. Gladys knew all too well what Sam was going through because she herself had been there. She saw the look in Sam’s eyes and the way she huddled herself in the corner head down. The clear lack of sleep and very frantic and odd behaviour she knew something wasn’t right.

She also knew there was not much she could say, but there was nothing a slice of her homemade chocolate cake and warm mug of tea couldn’t fix. So after introducing herself to Sam, she offered her some cake and tea. Sam tried to explain she couldn’t pay, but Gladys paid no mind and insisted she try a slice beaming about how she makes all the cakes herself. So she comes back with the cake and tea in hand. They sit there together, in utter silence but yet it felt as if so much was said in those minutes they spent together.

Sam tucked into the cake, chocolate was her favourite and it tasted delicious. The mug of tea helped keep her warm on such a cold day, she was grateful for it. As she drank the tea she found herself people watching yet again from the window. All of them going about their day totally oblivious to those around them. All with their own stresses and problems that we probably never notice. Yet on this day someone did. Someone saw Sam and knew she was not okay and they did something, just one small thing. One act of kindness, a slice of chocolate cake, a mug of tea and some company. And this, this one act changed everything. It may have seemed such a small gesture of kindness at the time, but Gladys sat there with Sam until she was ready to leave. They mostly sat in silence drinking tea and people watching, but that company kept her from going outside and doing something she knew she’d regret.

Sam didn’t need someone to give her a pep talk or false promises about how things will get better. On that day all she needed was someone to be there, sitting in the silence with her until her mind too quietened down. As Sam had gotten up to leave, Gladys reached out for her hand and told her to come back anytime, if she was struggling there’d always be a boiling pot of tea and a slice of cake waiting, and wished her well. Sam thanked Gladys and gave her a hug as her eyes glazed over, trying not to cry. She left this dingy little cafe with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

The kindness of one person had saved her life that day and she never forgot it. Her and Gladys celebrated every year to the day with a slice of chocolate cake. It became their ritual of sorts. Every year was a celebration of life, another year Sam had fought and survived, but also to give thanks to Gladys and her chocolate cake because ultimately it was her act of kindness that had saved Sam’s life, and she didn’t want to let it be forgotten.