Safe

“Please, please, please, can you just go back to sleep in your own bed?” I groggily ask my son.

“Mama, can I just sleep in your bed, just this one more time?” He asks. I could hear the emotion in his voice. I couldn’t see him in the darkness of my bedroom.

Attachment parent, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. It’ll help the child be secure, they said. SECURE IN WHAT!? He is 7. SEVEN! Why are we still having this conversation? I just want a good night of sleep. I just wanna not be touched for a while. I just want some space. He’s closer to a preteen than he is to a toddler. How is this still a thing!? Right now, I could either waste time trying to get him in his bed, or get more time to sleep, however uncomfortable that sleep may be.

I sigh deeply. “Come on.” I answer.

He climbs into my bed. I scoot over to make room.

“Can I have some of your heavy blanket?” He asks me. I turn my weighted blanket sideways to share with him.

“Can we turn the tv on for a little while?” I turn it on and put it on Bluey with the volume very low.

“Can I have your arm a little, or is it hurting tonight?” I turn over and give him my arm to lay on. I have some shoulder issues, but it’ll be fine for a little while.

“Can I do my foot too?” I remove the pillow from between my knees, situate my legs so that he can wedge his toes in. The pillow helps keep my hips and back aligned, but if this will get him to sleep, sure. The sooner he’s asleep, the sooner I can sleep.

After all the asking and tucking and scootching and adjusting and wiggling, which was probably all of 3 minutes, he was out like a light. And I was able to try to get back to dreamland myself.

“Mama, what’s 5x6?” I hear as I roll over, trying to get back to sleep.

“What?” I ask.

“What’s 5x6?”

“What time is it even?”

“It’s 734!” He answers.

“Can I like, wake up a bit before we get the mathing going?” I ask him.

“Oh, sure, ok!” He answers happily. “Good morning by the way!”

“Good morning bubs. Did you have any dreams?”

“Yeah. Dreams about me and you.”

“Good dreams?” I ask.

“Yeah, great dreams!”

“That’s great. I’m glad. Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure!” He responds.

“Why aren’t you sleeping in your bed?”

“Well, I just wanna sleep with you.”

“Okay, but we talked about this. I need good sleep, and you need good sleep. And we get better sleep in our own beds. Right?”

“Yes”

“Okay, so what’s up dude? Are you having bad dreams? Are you scared?”

“No, and no.” He says.

“So what’s up? Why do you keep coming to my bed?”

“I just like to. I just like you.”

I sigh deeply, slowly. And I respond “I like you too!”

We go along with our day. I do all the things, the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and answer all the math questions and science questions, and I’m so tired. So, so tired.

We move through the day and into the night. It’s bath time. And then bed time.

“Okay bigs, listen, story, 3 episodes of Bluey, and then you got to your own bed, okay?”

“Ooookaaay.” He grumbles. “Oh wait, can I show you something?”

“Dude, can it wait til it’s not bedtime?”

“Ummmm, no.” He answers as he runs off.

Well, I may as well get the bed ready.

As I fix the covers and arrange the pillows, he bolts in holding a paper. “Look at this please!” He asks.

On the paper is a drawing of a T-Rex, and what looks like a baby T-Rex in a little nest. It says “I hope you love this.” And I do, I really do. “I love it baby, thank you!” I say, getting choked up.

“It’s you, and it’s me, and I’m in your nest. And you know, your bed is kinda like a nest. I really like the nest the best. It’s like when I was a little baby, and you would hold me and breastfeed me. It made me know I was your best and favorite in the whole world, even though I couldn’t speak English. I just knew it because I was with you all the time and you never let me get hungry, or be cold, or cry. And if I was sad or tired, or anything, you fixed it. And you gave me milk, and just made sure I was good all the time. Your milk was the best and it makes me feel so warm and comfy. And now, I’m too big for milk. But, when I can sleep with you, it makes me feel warm and comfy like when I used to get milk. And it’s like, I’m the little dinosaur, and you’re the big mama dinosaur. And being with you, in the nest, your bed I mean, I feel… safe. It makes me feel safe.”

So, I guess we’ll be nesting a while longer.