Rap, Unzel

Long ago, a young couple wed and wanted a child. They knew how to make one and practiced often, but to no avail. They blamed each other, but kept trying, because back in the “long ago” there wasn't much else to do, and hey, it was fun!

This couple happened to live nextdoor to a witch (Go figure!) who had an elaborate garden inside a stone wall. One day, the young wife told her hubby that she would kill for some greens. Since there was no grocery store, he sneaked over the fence to pick some from the witch's garden. Naturally, the witch caught him.

When he explained, she recognized pregnancy cravings and told the husband they could have all the greens she wanted, but they'd have to give her the baby when it was born. Well, the man thought, we can always make another one, right? He agreed, and the witch told him she had “lifted the curse” that kept them from having children.

So, they had a fine, blonde daughter, the witch showed up, named the kid “Goldy” because “Goldilocks” was taken, and took the little girl away. She locked Goldy in a high tower when she was a teen, because her budding bodaciousness was too tempting for the local boys.

One day a guy named Unzel drove by the tower and spotted Goldy looking out the uppermost window. He yelled up at her, they chatted, she shook her booty out the window and Unzel decided to rescue her fine ass.

It so happened that Unzel was the inventor of the subwoofer. He backed his ride up to the tower and cut loose with some hip hop, which only annoyed the witch. Rolling her eyes in frustration, Goldy yelled out the window, “Rap, Unzel!”

On the third hit of the backbeat, the tower walls shattered and Goldy floated to the ground with a tapestry she tore down from the wall. Unfortunately, Unzel had stepped outside his ride and was crushed by the falling stones. Goldy, however, made up with the witch and they lived happily ever after, touring in their fine ride and listening to Vivaldi.