Puns Intended

ESTABLISHING A BEACHHEAD

Any of you guys live near the ocean? Maybe a river or a lake? If so, I’m sure you’ve probably at some point taken a date from dinner and a movie to dancing … to the shore. A long walk on the beach is so romantic. Take off your shoes and walk along the edge of the water where the surf can lap softly around your toes. Put your arm around your girl and walk quietly along listening to the whisper of the water and the calls of the birds. If you’ve planned the timing right there’s a gorgeous full moon bouncing luminescent rays off the gently rolling surf. At some point you stop and put your arms around her waist, stare into her eyes, maybe use a soft touch to gently move an errant lock of hair back from her forehead… At this point you may have used a sappy line such as “All the wondrous beauty of Mother Nature can’t compare with the luminous beauty I see when I gaze into your eyes.” Come on guys, admit it, you’ve tried this approach. Or, if you’re not given to the sappy romantic stuff maybe you say something closer to “DAMN BABE! YOU ARE SMOKIN’ HOT!” Whatever works for you man. DON’T LET HIM KID YOU LADIES! He has the same goal at this point as that of the ALLIED Troops during the Invasion of Normandy on D-Day during WWII… HE’S CONDUCTING AN AMPHIBIOUS ASSAULT WITH THE AIM OF ESTABLISHING A BEACHHEAD. Let’s face it guys. Honestly, isn’t BEACHHEAD what every guy hopes happens at the end of that romantic stroll along the shore? If you brought a blanket along you may even get some serious WOODWORK done.

If perchance your attempts to establish a beachhead happened to occur while the sun was still up – lunch, matinee, miniature golf, romantic stroll - you were then engaging in DAEWOO: The act of attempting to engage in sexual relations in the daytime. A good synonym for DAEWOO is NOONER. Dating couples tend to engage in Daewoo as often as several times per week - sometimes several times per day. With married couples Daewoo occurs most often during the first five years of marriage but this is variable from couple to couple. Some couples enter a Daewoo clause in their STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS; however, in the latter years of marriage – approximately 10 years and higher – Daewoo tends to happen surreptitiously – most often at motels that charge hourly rates {sometimes even with one’s spouse}.

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**NOTE** Here comes an important one for all you bachelors out there – especially if you are considering marriage in the nearby future.

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STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS {stat – ute - uv - lim – i – tay – shuns}:

The agreement, usually nonverbal and not always legally formalized, that occurs between husband and wife shortly after (before?) marriage. It lays out his limitations. Following are some standard clauses (No, not Nicholas or Martha):

1. Football Limitation: 1 day per week

2. Guys Night Out Limitation: 1 night per month

3. Trash Detail Limitation: NONE. Husbands are always on trash detail

4. Bikini Ogling Limitation: NEVER unless it’s the wife in the bikini

(Or you’re certain she’ll never find out)

5. Alcohol Intake Limitation:

a. 1 glass wine daily with dinner

b. 1 six-pack beer for Monday Night Football

c. Exception: 2 six-pack beer for Monday Night Football if you have a buddy over or the wife is feeling generous.

d. 2 large glasses expensive champagne – 1 time/year on anniversaries

Note: As stated, the above are standard clauses routinely included in the statute of limitations. It is left to the individual couples to add others at their discretion.

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TONGUE IN GROOVE {tung in gruv}:

What the husband does a minimum of ten times per week in the first five years of marriage and a maximum of five times per year thereafter.

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AUTHOR(S) ASIDE [As Narrated by Me, Myself, and I]:

I: “Aside of what?”

Me: “What?”

Myself : “I said – “Aside of what?””

Me: “What does I mean?”

Myself: “I meant to say, just what exactly is the author a side of? Is he a side of beef maybe?”

Me: “Ha, ha. Very funny. I’m aside of Myself.”

I: “I was just curious. People wanna know these things.”

Me: “I don’t think they really care.”

I: I do so. And I will think what I want to.”

Myself: “Okay! Okay! Sheesh! The author is aside of whatever he happens to be standing next to.”

I: “Hmmm. I guess so. I’ll think about it.”

Me: “You do that.”

Myself: “Is You still here? I thought he left, after that little, uhm, incident earlier.”

Me: “Nope, he’s gone. Probably at the hospital. Now, where was I at?”

I: “I is right here!”

I: “Has anyone noticed how we keep speaking in third person?”

Me: “Technically aren’t we a third person?”

Myself: “Oh, just shut up! Now, where was I – DON’T ANSWER THAT!

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AUTHOR ASIDE:

Tongue in Groove. What a wonderful phrase. It’s a personal favorite of mine. As such, I have made up my own personal “Little Johnny Joke” especially for this term. You may have heard of Little Johnny before, or maybe not. It doesn’t really matter. Little Johnny was created by some comic who’s name is lost in either the mists of time or the fog of alcohol in order to encapsulate the idea of a pre-adolescent boy in the process of discovering his own personal versions of ‘Universal Truth.’ Or maybe he just reminds me of my little brother: No, that can’t be it. I was the little brother. Regardless, for your perusal – here’s the joke: Oh, before I forget. One slight caution. Due to sexual innuendo this joke is rated PG-13. And, forgive me, it’s kind of long, but I hope, in the long run (pun intended), worth it:

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Little Johnny ran into his big brother Billy’s room early one morning, all excited and jittery. Jumping onto Billy’s bed he proceeded to vigorously shake his brother awake while intoning “Billy! Billy! Wake up Billy!”

Attempting to rub the gummed sleepy-eyed gunk from his eyelids, Billy sat up and yawned. “What is it, Little Johnny?” he asked, jaw popping.

Beaming as proudly as a Cheshire Cat that just caught the canary Johnny announced “Billy, guess what! I found out what it is that Mom and Dad do in their room at night that makes all that noise.”

This tidbit brought Billy awake in a flash. Popping up in the bed, Billy looked at Little Johnny’s shining eyes. “Oh really? And just what exactly is it that Mom and Dad are doing Little Johnny?”

Grinning from ear to ear, Little Johnny proudly stated “They’re makin’ furniture!”

“Furniture!?” said Billy.

“Yep. Furniture!” said Little Johnny.

“Ooookaaayy… Just how did you discover this Little Johnny?”

“Well, it was real late, an’ I hadda go to the bathroom you know…”

“And…?”

“Well, as I went past their room, I heard it.”

“Heard what, exactly, Little Johnny?”

“I heard the proof. Mommy said it herself. I ‘pacifically know they’re making furniture because I heard Mom tell Dad “It’s okay honey. You can finish with the tongue in groove.””

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**NOTE: All the above is an excerpt from an urban style comedic dictionary I authored ... It is actually quite extensive and was started long before a certain comedian began telling Redneck Jokes: **

Thanks for reading and feel free to leave any impressions.

Andy

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Stay tuned for further installments. If you enjoy my writing, check out my author page at Amazon.com:

https://www.amazon.com/stores/Andrew-C-McDonald/author/B005MXG90K?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true

Thanks for reading. :-)