Portal to Somewhere

I was numb on the cold dirt of the barn floor. On a friday, as usual.

Its vintage red wood from the 1900's barely kept the wind from creeping between the open pannels, while the structure tipped back and forth in the coming storm.

All I could think about was how this barn was the only constant in my life. It sat on its lonesome near the edge of a forest preserve, not too far from my neighborhood. No one ever tore it down, or even bothered to keep up with its maintenance. The barn never left after failed talking stages, dissolved friendships, and fights with my family.

Haha, we even had a lot in common.

Both the barn and I were losing grip on this earth. Both of us remained isolated, and yet we were still standing (even though we should've been knocked down awhile ago).

This visit, however, was different. My usual friday night trips to decompress at the barn didn't feel the same as today. Especially, after I killed someone.

Okay, not actually someone... as in a real-life person. But a part of me is now dead.

I felt as though I had come to wits end, saying goodbye to yet another soul on a useless date who didn't see much in me. Even at 27 years old, I have not left my childhood home, my bank account is dwindling, and I have no friends left that will tolerate a pathetic fool like me. The only one here to listen to my wails, or the rants which float out into the muggy air, is the stupid barn.

There is nothing else left for me in life, so I might as well make this barn my only hope.

With a sigh, I kicked some leaves in the corner after standing up from a 2 hour crying session on the floor. It was embarrassing, really. At my age, I was hugging on tightly to my beige purse and letting the tears flow out into the soil. I had dirt in my poorly dyed hair and I looked absolutely pathetic. The barn watched with solemn eyes, rocking itself in slow motion while I depleted my deepest pains.

But since today is the day I snapped, I felt like out of the two of us, the barn could use some work. If I can't fix myself, maybe I could start with the gross rotting wood that hovered over me.

Walking back to my garage, I picked out some basic tools and wood from our tiny workspace along with some stain. I had no idea how to do repair work of any kind, but maybe this was going to be a fun project. Crying in the barn has turned into construction for the barn.

I walked back through the tranquil fields pulling a wagon behind me, watching the tall grass sway back and forth. Maybe the plants that grew around the barn knew I was coming to change it, and welcomed me as I made long strides towards the gaping entrance. The old barn had two levels, but they were misshapen. Stairs that looked like a hospital visit waiting to happen lined the sides of the walls, leading up to some weird crawlspace area.

I'm not very good at describing things, okay. Its just old as hell. Point blank.

I huffed at the sight of some major decay in the corner, seeing the rotting wood fall apart and splinter. I figured I would start there first, and replace it piece by piece. It could be therapeutic, after all.

Grabbing my tools, I began to remove the nails that barely held the remaining wood in place. Faded red paints chips popped out of the open holes, dating back to some happier time I assume. Whoever built the barn put a lot of time in, at one point. It could've housed a family, or animals. Maybe it provided shelter for strangers. Who knows.

I started the remove the wood, piece by piece. Getting a few pannels ready to replace the ones I had removed.

That is, until I noticed something strange.

Instead of seeing the bright daylight of the other side of the barn, with a view into the fields, it was just pure black. The hole I created led to a vast unsettling blackness, and there wasn't a straight shot to the surrounding fields or forest preserve in the distance like there should've been.

This doesn't even make sense. How could there be a hole to nothing but darkness...there is only one wall between me and the outside...?

I stepped back, dropping the hammer I used to remove the nails. I shivered, as strong cold gust of air blew through the black hole to engulf me as I watched. None of this was adding up, so I raced around outside to check where I had made the hole.

Yet when I got to the spot outside, I could see inside the barn perfectly fine. I saw my tools and wagon on the inside, with everything in place as it should be.

Now what the hell is happening...did I take too many meds..? God this is so confusing. Should I even be scared? When will things ever go right in my life!

I turned on my heels, running back to inside the barn to double check if what I was seeing was even valid.

Once again, I saw the black hole while I was inside the barn. Immediately, my eyes grew wide and I let out a scream. I was absolutely terrified, and didn't know what was going on.

How does a hole just appear on one side, but not the other? Where was the cold air even coming from, especially in the middle of July?

After sitting on the ground for a few minutes, I collected myself. I had to see what was inside of this thing, even though this discovery was scary as hell. Stepping foward, and wiping the ground off from my pants, I took in a deep breath.

Slowly, I reached my hand inside. Nothing. Only cold.

I tried to peer in, yet there was nothing apart from the darkness. No sign of life, light, or any scary beings hiding around the corner. The hole just seemed like a piece of the barn itself.

That is, until I smelled something familiar. A waft of pancakes and fresh maple syrup began to drift through the intensity of the blackness. But this wasn't just any other scent, it was from a restaurant I used to go to every weekend with my grandma.

My eyes started to well up with tears, as I thought I would never smell that again after she passed and hearing news that the restaurant was permanently closed down. I didn't know what was going on here, but I felt like I needed to step all the way into this strange black hole.

Drying the fresh tears on my eyes, I decided to step into the hole with my entire body. I crouched further down, putting my right leg first while shutting my eyes tight.

Okay, really hoping I don't die here.

I stepped through the portal and heard commotion. It sounded like kids playing at the park. I didn't want to open my eyes yet, but I could hear laughter and small feet running around the mulch of a playground set. Adults were chattering in the distance.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw the park I used to play at in the city. Only, it was full of life. I saw my dad from 20 years prior, smiling at someone with stubby legs and hair like mine.

It was me.

I looked around, but it felt like time had glitched. I was looking at 7 year old me, happy for the very last time in my life. I watched her run from my dad onto the swingset, giggling as she kicked up dirt. I took myself to an empty park bench, and watched her as she ran freely around the various obstacles of the playground.

I really was so happy here, wasn't I.

All of a sudden, the little girl with my face approached me.

"Are you okay? Why are you crying?" She asked.

"Did you want to come play?"

"Well, I don't think I can. I'm just here for right now. But I have to get going."

"But why are you crying? Do you want some of my stickers?"

"No, haha, I am okay. You seem like you are having a good time over there."

"Yeah!! I love this park."

"Hey, I know this may be confusing, but I just...things will be okay."

I watched my face as a child turn from happy to curious, wondering why I was being so serious when she just wanted to have fun.

"I think things are fine, I have my dolls over there too!"

"I love those dolls. You have a lot of beautiful toys, it looks like. Take care of them, as much as you do yourself."

"Yeah, I will. Well, bye!!!"

I saw her run off to play with some other kids, and I smiled as she took out her toys to share with new friends. I hope that girl is proud of me, even in this mess. I hope she thinks I am strong.

I started to silently cry, watching her run around for a bit more while the surroundings began to change. I was back in the barn, sitting on the floor in front of my construction, and the hole wasn't black anymore. It didn't defy the laws of physics like it once did, and I was staring out into the forest preserve in the distance.

Old barns are portals I guess.

I turned around to stare at the openness of the barn.

"I won't forget about me", I whispered.