Pickin' Berries

There’s not much to do in Homestead. Farms, cows and woods...that's pretty much all there is around here. Not the best place for kids to grow up, but Mikey Shortman and Chris McKray tried to make the best of their surroundings. Mikey was a very short brunette with tan skin, and Chris was fair-skinned with dark hair and had an abnormally large forehead.

One full-moon evening, they were out in the woods picking berries when Mikey complained, “We need to get fuckin' laid. I’m tired of pickin' berries and workin' on farms every damn day!”

“Quit your bitchin’, you whiny prick,” Chris snarled as he chewed some purple berries.

Mikey grabbed a handful of variously colored berries out of Chris’ basket and started to obnoxiously chew them.

“Fuck you and fuck your berries!” he shouted.

“You’re eatin’ all the purple ones!” exclaimed Chris as he shoved Mikey in the chest.

Mikey quickly wrapped his arms around Chris’ legs and wrestled him to the ground. They rolled around for a moment, until Mikey eventually grabbed Chris’ ankle. He then forcefully twisted Chris’ skinny, white leg.

“Tap out, pussy!”

Chris let out a quick grunt and snapped, “I’ll never tap out to a damn dwarf!”

“Alright then asshole...I warned you!”

Mikey clenched his teeth and twisted even harder, causing Chris to yell out in pain. As Mikey's grip strengthened, Chris attempted to roll away. He rolled and rolled, but Mikey wouldn't let go. Tighter and tighter he squeezed, to the point that Chris thought his bone was going to snap in half. Suddenly, Mikey released his grip and leapt up to his feet. Panting to catch his breath, he stared out into the distance with a confused expression on his face.

“What the actual fuck,” he muttered.

After shaking his leg a few times, Chris slowly got up from the ground.

“What is it?” Chris asked.

They were skeptical to believe that what they saw in front of them was real. About 20 yards away, was a large, grey pony. The awkward pony strangely stood on two legs and had very large, cartoon-like eyes. Mikey and Chris were shocked as he smiled and waved his hand at them. His legs had hooves, but he had palms and fingers like a human's hands.

“Howdy there, neighbors!” the gleeful pony shouted.

Both of the boys’ faces went pale.

Chris quietly whispered to Mikey, “Did that horse just fuckin' talk?”

The pony laughed and grazed his bright yellow mane with his hand.

“You two aren’t the most talkative pair, huh? I’m Alfred, what are your names?”

Mikey hesitantly replied, “Um, I’m Mikey and this funny-lookin' fellow standin' next to me is my friend, Chris.”

“Well, it’s great to meet you gentlemen! I was just outside enjoying the nature, and I couldn’t help overhearing you boys talking about getting laid.”

Chris began sweating profusely.

“I’m freakin' out dude! Let’s get the fuck out of here!”

Mikey nudged Chris with his elbow and said, “Are you serious? He’s a fucking talking pony.”

Slightly embarrassed, Mikey replied to Alfred, “Oh, no...We were just kidding around...We're good, Christian boys sir. We go to church and Sunday school every week.”

Alfred sighed and replied, “Shucks, that’s a bummer. You see, my two daughters are at that age when girls start to...you know...grow up. It’s very rare that you find two young guys like yourselves around here with those great genes like y’all have. I won’t be offended if you say no, but would you boys be interested in fucking my daughters?”

“This is way too fuckin' weird...” Chris softly muttered to Mikey.

“Shhh!” interjected Mikey as he discreetly punched Chris in the side.

Mikey laughed, “Thanks for the offer, sir; but we're going to have to pass.”

Suddenly, they heard a door being slammed in the distance.

“Alfred! Where the fuck are ya!?” someone belted out in a raspy voice.

“Oh shit! I’ve gotta get out of here. It was nice meeting you guys. Hopefully we’ll cross paths again soon. Mary, Catherine, let’s go!”

Mikey and Chris’ jaws dropped as Alfred’s daughters stepped out from behind a giant oak tree.

“Those are definitely not horses,” muttered Mikey, who was hypnotized by two stunning, voluptuous women.

They both had long, blonde hair and entrancing bright, blue eyes. Their breasts were very large and the only thing either of them wore on their enticing bodies was red lipstick.

“Wait!” Chris yelled out.

He desperately extended out his hand to the two alluring daughters as they ran off deep into the green woods.

“Dude! Why'd you tell him we were just kiddin' bout gettin' laid!? Two smokin' hot tens could've been all over me! You just scared em’ away because you know you would’ve stood in the corner sobbin' due to embarrassment of your little shrimp dick!" shouted Chris at Mikey.

“How the fuck was I supposed to know that a talkin' horse would have smokin’ hot human daughters, you damn idiot!?” replied Mikey as he angrily jutted his arms outward.

The boys’ argument was cut short by the sound of rustling bushes. Startled, they gazed over at where the noise had come from and saw a large man in yellow overalls, sluggishly walking toward them. His pebble-sized left eye was bright pink, but his right eye was glossy, green, and the size of a tennis ball. He had a thick, golden beard that grew around the back of his head and into a Mohawk on the top.

“You two losers seen my Alfred?” asked the strange man with a thick, raspy southern accent.

“That is hands down the fugliest motherfucker on two legs,” Chris quietly whispered.

Mikey observed the man’s obese, pinkish upper-body. He had short, stumpy arms with a farmer’s tan, and strange legs that were only about a foot from his feet to his hips.

“You mean the talking pony? He went that way,” directed Mikey as he pointed out to the woods.

The man raised his golden, bushy eyebrow and gave the boys a perplexed glare.

“What in the hell do you mean...talkin’ pony? You boys been sniffin’ them crazy drugs or somethin’?” replied the bizarre man.

“No, I swear! The horse is grey with a yellow mane, right?” urged Chris.

The man seemed to be getting frustrated.

“Alfred aint no damn horse...he’s my son. Here’s his picture. Y'all boys make sure to let me know if he shows up.”

He reached his stumpy arm into a large pocket in the front of his overalls. After searching around for a moment, he pulled his hand out and stepped toward Mikey. “He’s easily frightened, so just chase him if he starts to run,” cautioned the man as he placed a hundred dollar bill in Mikey’s hand.

The boys looked down at the money, and then at each other with confused expressions. Looking straight at their dumbfounded faces, the man seemed to be offended.

"Why are y'all makin' faces like that? You little assholes makin’ fun of my boy's picture or somethin'?"

Chris quickly stuffed the money in his pocket and emphasized, "No, of course not! He's a really cute kid."

The man took a deep breath and intently stared into Chris' eyes.

"He's 37 years old. Whatcha mean cute?"

The man's question was followed by about five seconds of awkward silence. He waved his hand downward and grumbled.

"Whatever. If you two fairies see him, just give me a holler."

The odd, stumpy man swiftly turned around and made his way into the luminous, green woods.

Chris grasped his head with his hands and cried, "What the fuck is going on!"

Mikey's eyes widened with fear and confusion as he rapidly looked around the woods.

"What the hell is the matter with you now?" asked Chris.

As if he had just seen a ghost, Mikey froze and gazed over at Chris.

He lightly cleared his throat and said, "We're not in Homestead anymore."

Chris stared at Mikey's pale face and then intently observed his surroundings. He could no longer see the sky at all. Large blue and green leaves branched off of tall trees, creating a leafy ceiling over the entire woods. Mikey and Chris looked down at the ground beneath their feet. They stood atop an endless bed of lush, neon grass that cushioned every step they took. The branches of the glowing trees twisted in unusual ways, and an innumerable amount of exotic plant life lined the lush, neon green path of grass.

"How deep into the woods are we?" inquired Mikey in a state of shock.

Just as the words left his mouth, Chris shrieked and jumped behind his back. "There's somethin' in those bushes!" he yelled out on the verge of tears.

An igloo-sized pink bush, about five meters away from the trembling boys, began to rustle intensely.

"Fucking run!" shouted Chris in an abnormally high-pitched voice.

Just as they started to sprint away, a woman's soft voice called out to them.

"Hey, guys!"

The boys stopped in their tracks. One of Alfred's beautiful daughters stood naked in front of them, waving happily and jumping as her large breasts bounced up and down.

"I definitely don't think this is Homestead, but this place is a hell of a lot better," said Chris with his eyes wide open.

The alluring woman began to walk toward them.

"You two guys were trying to get laid, right?"

The boys' jaws dropped in shock.

Mikey stuttered a bit before he managed to say, "Um...yes."

The woman stood directly in front of them and said, "Well then...fuck me."

She grabbed both of their wrists and placed their hands on her breasts. The boys' eyes were locked on to the woman as if they were hypnotized.

"Come with me," she said. She then let go of their hands and turned away.

They both stared intently at her perfect body with every step that she took. She turned around, gave them a wink, and then continued walking.

"Holy shit, dude. I think I might rip right through my zipper," blurted Mikey.

Chris poked him on the forehead.

"Keep your cool, little man. This is why you never get any."

"Yeah...I'm sure you're the king of taming sweet tang with that Fred Flinstone forehead."

"I know a hell of a lot more than you do, bitch. I'm sure it's not easy for you, being that the only thing a girl sees when she meets you is the top of your head."

"I'll fuckin-."

The boys were abruptly interrupted by the seductive woman shouting, "You two boys comin' with me and my sister, or not?"

Mikey and Chris heard the laughter of the two beautiful women in the distance. Their eyes widened with excitement.

Chris stuttered a bit and called out, "We'll be right over ladies!"

He looked at Mikey and said, "Just follow my lead asshole."

He began to jog toward the gorgeous sisters.

Mikey angrily muttered, "fuckin' dickhead," under his breath and closely followed behind.

Coming to the end of the lush grassy path, they came across a giant tunnel. The entire structure was encased in a thick orange goo. The outside was runny and constantly had dense blobs of orange slime striking the ground, but the inside was smoothly paved and gave off a bright orange glow. The boys stood motionless in front of the bizarre structure.

"What the hell is that?" Chris nervously asked.

Mikey looked over at Chris with a stern look, locked eyes with him for a moment, and then twisted his nipple.

"Don't you want to get laid? Follow my lead, bitch tits," said Mikey as he entered the strange tunnel.

Chris took a deep breath and gathered enough courage to follow Mikey. When they saw the two naked women, they were confused. They stood in front of a white flying saucer, that was roughly the size of a car. The spaceship had five silver windows, and was lined with blue and red painted rings.

Mikey cleared his throat and commented, "That's a real sweet ride y'all got."

The women laughed a little and slowly looked the boys up and down.

"So these are the guys who want to get laid?"

The other sister replied, "Yep. I think that we should take them with us."

Mikey and Chris' hearts pounded as nervousness and excitement surged through their veins. The sisters approached the boys. One sister stopped in front of Mikey and the other stopped in front of Chris. The boys felt the hairs on the back of their necks stand up as the women’s soft hands touched theirs. They were completely entranced by the women's gorgeous blue eyes. Simultaneously, both women leaned forward and kissed the boys on the neck. As soon as they felt the touch of their soft lips on their skin, Mikey and Chris immediately had an oragasm. They moaned with sounds which you would only expect to hear from animals. Unfortunately, the boys were still wearing their shorts. With their hands still intertwined with the boys', the women stepped behind them and began to lead them toward the spaceship. All of a sudden, the boys felt their wrists handcuffed by fluffy, vibrating rings.

"Oh, so are you fine ladies going to punish us now?" asked Chris with a big grin on his face.

Suddenly, part of the ship opened up on one side. The boys gazed inside to see a purple, silk couch with a dense spider-web in front of it. Shaggy, blue carpet lined the entire back seat floor.

"Watch your head and get in," commanded the sister who guided Mikey.

He looked back at her, smiled, and said, "Yes, ma'am."

She gave him a wink, grabbed him by the back of the head, and shoved him into the ship. He was soon joined by Chris, who was also shoved in.

"See you in a bit," stated one of the girls.

Chris replied, "Alright, start getting them p-."

The door slammed shut, interrupting Chris mid-sentence.

"These bitches are freaks!" Mikey barked.

"I know, dude. These vibrating handcuffs are kinky as fuck," Chris jeered.

"Yeah, bro. I told you, just follow my lead and everything will be alright," Mikey responded as he winked at Chris.

"Your lead? Bro, that was my lead all day."

"You couldn’t lead your dick into a giant amazon shemale with an 18-foot wide pussy."

"An 18-foot wide pussy? Your mama's the only girl I know who has that, and I fuck her every damn day!"

Mikey gave Chris a scowl and then headbutted him in the collar bone. Chris grunted in pain, right before swiftly kicking Mikey in the shin.

Mikey cringed and quickly kicked Chris right back in the leg. Chris then proceeded to headbutt Mikey directly in the forehead. The boys wildly kicked and headbutted each other back and forth until they tired themselves out. They leaned to opposite sides of the car and panted heavily.

"You see that!?" Mikey worriedly asked as he pointed his finger at the spider web.

Sending them into a state of complete fear, a large spider with an intricate, teal pattern lining it's body slowly scuttled around the web. Chris' heart began to race more intensely than ever before.

Not moving a muscle, he whispered to Mikey, "That spider is fucking huge! I hate spiders more than anything! Please, do something!"

The spider quickly scurried onto the seat in between the boys, causing them to let out high-pitched screams. They frantically jumped around, flapping their arms wildly in fear.

"It's on my leg! It's on my leg!" piped Chris.

The spaceship door suddenly swung open, giving the fearful boys a chance to get away. Without thinking twice, they both hopped out of the ship and fell face first on the ground beside each other. They looked up to find their faces right at the feet of the two nude sisters. Chris spit out a mouthful of grass right next to their red painted toenails. The sisters chuckled at the boys and helped them up to their feet.

"Run! There's a giant, man-eating spider in there!" exclaimed Mikey.

Without saying a word, the girls grabbed each of them by the vibrating rings around their wrists and began to walk them away.

"There's no spiders in there sweetie" one of the women ensured Mikey.

The moon was humongous, brightening the night. The boys realized that they were being led toward a golden gate, which blocked a smooth, white driveway. As they reached the tall, metal gate, they gazed over at the other side. A giant, luxurious mansion could be seen about fifty meters from the gate.

"Damn! Is this Alfred's house?" asked Chris.

"I guess you could say that," stated one of the sisters as she pressed a red button on the post of the gate.

They watched the gate slowly open.

"Keep moving," commanded one of the girls as she nudged both of them in the back.

As the boys walked toward the mansion, they gazed at their surroundings in amazement. Large bell towers were illuminated with colorful lights and dispersed throughout the yard. Pink, blue, green and purple lights brightened the area, producing a festival-like atmosphere. Mikey and Chris were initially excited to have two naked women by their sides. Now, there were dozens of naked women surrounding them. All of them looked like goddesses and gave off the same alluring energy as the two sisters.

"I think we're in heaven, Chris," gasped Mikey.

The sisters laughed at the comment as they reached the front door of the mansion. It was a large, oak double door that stood about seven feet tall. The sisters simultaneously grabbed a handle and pulled open the double door. They stepped inside and witnessed a place unlike anything they had seen before. Dozens of rooms lined white hallways, through which men were being escorted by beautiful, naked women. The women led them down a long red carpet up to a smooth, marble table.

"Okay, boys," said one of the sisters as she removed the fluffy rings from the boys’ wrists.

She continued, "Put your hand here and then here."

They looked down to see two small, square creatures. The one on the left was slimy and black, with two round, white eyes. The one on the right was the same, except it was white and had beady, black eyes. They both had long, slimy tongues, which slithered around their mouths.

"Um...so just put it right on the thing's face?" asked Mikey.

One of the women grabbed his hand. First, she pushed his thumb into the face of the black creature. As soon as he touched the strange little animal, it let out an aroused moan.

"Fuck yeah!" the animal shrieked.

Mikey quickly pulled his hand away. His thumb was coated with a layer of sticky, black slime. Immediately after he pulled away, the woman pushed his thumb onto the face of the white square. The white creature's eyes widened and glowed.

He eagerly licked all of the black goo away from Mikey's thumb and exclaimed, "More, More!"

The woman released Mikey and grabbed Chris' wrist. He fearfully looked over at Mikey and then yanked his hand away from the woman.

"Okay...This is way too weird! Where the fuck are we!?"

The sister calmly replied, "Give me your hand, please."

The two squared creatures began to get antsy.

"Press your fucking thumb against my face! C'mon...please!" yelled the white little monster.

In a frightening, desperate tone, the black one screamed, "I'll suck your dick, Chris! Do it! Fucking fuck my face with your thumb!"

Chris looked around in a panic and darted away.

"Stop him!" shouted one of the women.

Chris ran toward the door as fast as he could. Mikey tried to follow, but he was quickly restrained by three gorgeous women. He was stunned about how abnormally strong they were. Before Chris could make it to the door, he tripped over his own feet and slammed his head against the floor.

"We've got him!" belted out one of the women.

She looked over at the other nude escorts who were holding Mikey.

"Take him away. We'll bring this one to join him shortly."

They immediately picked Mikey up to his feet and led him away. He struggled to escape, but the women were much too strong.

"Where are we g-."

Mikey's sentence was interrupted by the loud opening of a cage door. The women threw him inside and slammed the door shut. Mikey lay flat on his back and quickly looked around the cage. There was nothing but a wooden bench, a toilet, and about seven other men of all different ages.

He lept up to his feet and begged, "Let me out of here! Please!"

No one answered. All he could hear were the voices of the other men surrounding him. Mikey heard a deep, southern voice from behind him chime in.

"They ain’t gonna let you out of here, boy."

Mikey turned around and looked at the man.

He stammered, "Wh-...What do you mean?"

Everyone in the cage burst out in a frenzy of laughter. Frightened and confused, Mikey stumbled over to a vacant spot on the bench. The hysterical laughing slowly calmed down into a dead silence.

"Hey, kid." the man next to Mikey boomed in a deep voice.

Mikey gazed over at a skinny white man with blonde hair. He was very twitchy and had bruises all over his shirtless body.

"Don't I know you?" asked the man.

Mikey looked at him intently and replied, "Um...no. I don't think so."

The man's eyebrows lowered.

"You callin' me a liar?"

"No, of course not." Mikey said hastily.

The man seemed to relax a bit.

"Good. You're tryin' to get out of here, right?"

Mikey nodded his head.

"Well, if you want my help, give me all of the money in your pocket."

Mikey was skeptical about the man's plan, but he was too afraid to say no. Remembering the hundred-dollar bill that he had received from the strange man in the woods, he quickly reached into his pocket.

"Here!" he exclaimed as he handed the man the crumpled up bill.

The man snatched it from his hands, looked down at it, and then looked back up at Mikey.

"Where the fuck did you get this?"

Before Mikey could reply, the cage door opened. Two very masculine women stood at the front of the cage.

"Alfred, time to go."

The man looked confusingly into Mikey's eyes, got up, and walked away with the women.

"What in the fuck," choked Mikey under his breath.

He quickly jumped up and ran to the cage.

"Hey!" he screamed out.

"What is this place!? Where's Chris!?"

One of the burly women promptly stopped in her tracks and turned to Mikey.

"Kid, just shut up and sit down."

Mikey teared up a bit and began to pace back and forth.

"I need to escape this place," thought Mikey.

Mikey thought about a plan for hours, trying to come up with any possible way to flee.

"Michael Shortman!" called a voice from the front of the cage.

Mikey looked up in shock.

"Dad?"

Mikey looked at the front of the cage, where his father stood beside a large police officer.

"What in the hell did you do, boy?" asked Mikey's father with his arms crossed.

Mikey leaped up and ranted, "I don't know, Dad! There was a talking horse, and this crazy stumpy guy, and two super hot chicks that were trying to ba-."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down," Mikey's father interjected. He continued, "What the hell are you talking about, son?"

"Dad...I know it sounds crazy, but it's true! They put these fluffy handcuffs on us, put us in a spaceship and took us to this mansion!"

His father looked at him, then looked at the officer and laughed.

After a few moments of hard laughter, the officer explained, "This happens all the time around here."

He cleared his throat and continued, "You see, there's this schizophrenic guy who we constantly find out in the middle of the woods. So, like always, we found him naked under a tree and went to go bring him back to the station til' his father could pick him up. That's when we found Michael and his friend, wrestling around on the ground for some reason. I could tell something was off because they were having a full conversation with the schizo guy, but he wasn't responding to them at all. I let my eyes off of the guy for a second and he ran off into the woods. My partner and I chased after him and, after we caught him, we went back for the boys."

He paused to laugh for a moment, and then went back to telling his story.

"These kids were totally screwed up. They were trying to kiss me and grab my chest...and they were making these really strange noises. That's when they had an accident in their pants. I knew they had to have taken something. Anyways, I met up with my partner and we took the boys back to the station. We took Michael's prints, but his friend freaked out and ran off. He tripped and smashed his head on the floor, so he's getting stitches right now."

Mikey's father looked over at him with a disturbed expression.

"Son, were you and Chris doing drugs tonight?"

Completely confused by the entire situation, Mikey scratched his head and pleaded, "No...No I swear! We were just hangin' out pickin' berries and then all of this happened."

A slight grin appeared on his father's face.

"Berries? What kind of berries?"

Mikey thought about it for a second.

"Um, let's see. There were some red ones, some blue, some purple and maybe some more. My memory is a little hazy right now."

His father locked eyes with the police officer and they burst out laughing again.

"Yep, that's what I thought," declared the officer. He went on, "Those purple ones are called purple dream berries. Just one of them things will have you tripping for hours. Anymore than that and you start hallucinating like crazy."

Mikey's look of confusion slowly transitioned into a look of embarrassment. His dad chuckled a bit more.

"C'mon, son. Let's go home."

Still laughing at Mikey, the officer took out a key to open the cell. Just as he pushed the key into the lock, a large blade stabbed him in the side of the neck. Mikey and his father jumped backward in shock as the cop's limp body fell to the floor. Standing in front of them was Alfred the Horse, who clenched the bloody knife tightly in his hand. Two officers immediately sprinted over to help, but Alfred swiftly stood on his hands and kicked them in their faces with his hooves.

"I'm just hallucinating! Right, Dad!?" Mikey yelped.

"Get away you fucking horse!" screamed Mikey's father as Alfred moved toward him.

Alfred dodged a punch from Mikey's father and grabbed him in a headlock.

He raised the knife in the air and loudly declared, "You motherfuckers will never take me alive!"

Mikey reached out in terror as the deranged horse thrust the blade down into his father's chest.

"NOOO!!!!!!" cried Mikey.

Mikey screamed and wildly swung his fists.

In the midst of his rage, he heard someone concernedly ask, "What's wrong!?"

He opened his eyes and was sitting straight up in his bed with cold sweat running down his face. Panting heavily, he looked over at Chris lying beside him.

"It was terrible, Honey. I had a dream about the time when we were kids and we ate those psychedelic berries in the woods. At the end of this dream though... Alfred the Horse appeared and murdered everyone!"

Chris yawned and lightly rubbed Mikey's back.

"Well, you're fine now. Just go back to sleep. We have a double-date with the Smiths' tomorrow and I want to look my best."

He kissed Mikey on the lips and went back to sleep.

Mikey lightly curled up next to Chris and said, "Goodnight my love."