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Petition to make "Pearball!" an Olympic Sport

Four letters addressed to the IOC

By Christopher FinPublished 3 years ago 6 min read

FROM: USPS Forwarding Service <[email protected]>

TO: International Olympics Submissions Committee <[email protected]>

SUBJECT: Petition to make "Pearball!" an Olympic Sport

To whom it may concern,

I've received a most extraordinary set of four letters addressed to you regarding "Pearball!". I think you will find it a truly unique application. Briefly though, I should explain why I broke USPS protocol, opened and transcribed these letters.

The mailing addresses on all of them were marked UNREADABLE by our envelope scanners, since red-colored pencils fool the image sensors. The letters were then passed along to me to manually dispatch them, but the mailing header was marked with only a Recipient's Name and no physical address. Fortunately, I recognized the sender's names. As I knew the two boys involved and knew that they'd be terribly disappointed to have mislabeled their envelopes, I asked their father if I could pass their application along via email. He gave permission, if somewhat reluctantly.

I believe the contents explain themselves. I leave for you to decide who is the true originator of "Pearball!" and whether it deserves to become an official sport. The four letters below follow in the order that they were sent, verbatim except where I've corrected fundamental spelling errors while transcribing. I will forward any response from you on to the two boys.

Regards,

James Thurmon

Letter #1

Addressed To: Olympics People

Hi, i'm Sammy Mayhew. I'm seven years old and i thought of the game PEAR-BALL! first. Please put it in the olympics next time. It's really fun and i heard you're looking for new games. My dad told me that he'd give me a million dollars if i could get into the olympics. So i thought if you loved PEAR-BALL! and i'm really good then i could play.

PEAR-BALL! is great because it doesn't cost nothing and its way better than baseball and you don't get hungry playing it.

You just need three pear trees and a bat. We use a tree-branch for bat sometimes. Bases are put right next to each pear tree. We use old pillowcases for our bases and my big brother calls them pillowbases. HAHA! Anyways the game works kinda like baseball. Except there's no catcher and the pitcher throws pears and there are no strikes unless you swing. No fouls neither.

When the batter hits the pear, the other team has to go fetch the pear and eat it before the runner gets home. Seeds and stem don't count. If they don't eat the pear before the runner gets home then the runner scores.

The main trick we found is to hit the pear so it goes far in one piece. If you hit it too hard then it breaks and it's easier for the other team to each get a piece of pear and eat it fast.

There's more rules and stuff but i'll ask my brother to write you. This is already the longest letter i ever wrote. Dad says maybe i should be a writer but i said i would rather play PEAR-BALL!

Love,

Sammy Mayhew

Letter #2

Addressed To: Olympics Committee

Hi, my name is Peter Mayhew, and I am the true inventor of Pearball. My brother Sammy is only seven and I'm already ten and I found out yesterday that he sent you a letter. He told me what he said and I worry you've got a terrible idea of what Pearball is. First off, the name is "Pearball". Obviously it's not "PEAR-BALL!". Sammy doesn't know anything about marketing or spelling so you can just toss that letter out. I'm also the only one who knows how to use a dictionary, so Sammy won't be able to read your response if there are any big words.

Therefore, future correspondence can be consigned to Yours Truly in this fashion.

Sammy said that he told you about how Pearball worked. But! He didn't even tell you the best part: the base obstacles.

Like when you're rounding first base, there's the Mudslide of Doom. That's where the runner has to dive on his belly and slide through mud. We put down the garden hose to make the mud but you could probably do it with a sprinker system or something. If the runner chickens out then they're Plum Out. (That's the other awesome thing about Pearball, all of our names for stuff are wicked cool.)

Then after second base there's the Super Box Jump where you gotta jump up onto this wooden box and then off of it. It's pretty high, like two feet. If you trip then you're Plum Out.

Then directly next to third base, things get a little tricky with the Pearfect Pitch. The player has the option to climb the pear tree, pick a pear, and then pitch it at the next batter on their team from the tree. If that batter hits it, then the old pear is no longer in play and the new pear is in. If the batter misses, then the runner is Plum Out too.

If the runner doesn't climb the tree to pitch, then they gotta do at least one pullup on a branch. The more pullups the runner does, the more Pear Points get added to the Total Score.

There are a few more rules that I'd like to tell you about, like the Orange Alternates, the Banana Splits, and the Red Apple Runs, but I'm running out of space. Anyways usually we don't have to teach those rules until a player plays a while because most of them are pretty rare. None of us have ever actually seen a Cherry Slammer yet, so that one could be a world-first in the Olympics.

Anyways, to summarize. Baseball is a sport for dinosaurs, and Pearball is the New Cool, and Peter Mayhew is the founder of the New Cool.

By the way, I got the same deal from my dad that Sammy did so that's two million dollars that we could get if you put it in the Olympics next year and if we played. I talked to Sammy and we agreed that we would cut you in for 5% of the money.

Warmly yours in Business,

Peter Mayhew

Private Butthole

Letter #3.

Addressed To: Olympics People

HAHA! HAHA!

I hope you laughed at my joke. I saw his letter on the desk and it made me mad so i added a little change that he didnt see. Peter is my big brother but he can be a jerk. When i told peter that you didn't get a letter from him and you got a letter from 'Private Butthole', he didnt believe me but then he did and he got real sore and said you wouldnt even take us serious now. Thats not true is it? I told him that you probably have a big brother and would understand.

Anyways if my brother and i fight its only cuz we know PEAR-BALL! will change the world. Peter says that the world will change a lot when we both got a million dollars and that makes me kinda nervous.

Don't tell him i sent this letter. He told me that theres "more atorium" on me sending anymore letters. I don't know about that but i think that dictionary is going to his head.

Love,

Sammy Mayhew

Letter #4.

Addressed To: Olympics Committee

Hi, Peter here.

Sorry for the previous sign-off, that was more of Sammy's silliness. I promise that we are actually serious and ready to do business. Even 5% of two million dollars is a lot of money and I know the Olympics would love Pearball!

Oh and one small change. Sammy finally convinced me of the "!" at the end of "Pearball". It is more fun that way. I eagerly await your reply. Pearball! will make us all very rich.

Warmly yours in Business,

Peter Mayhew

Corporal Butthole (please ignore this),

Peter Mayhew

HumorShort Story

About the Creator

Christopher Fin

Lover of the fantastic and the tragic.

I blog at www.christopherfin.com

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